Published March 13, 2007
This is my first poem so it probably has a bunch of problems. Thanks for reading. All comments are appreciated
Maybe
I wish I could be happy
But that’s impossible for me
I wish that I could fly
But I don’t have any wings
I want to be different
I just want to change
So maybe one day
You might fall in love with me
I’m not very special
I’m not very pretty
I’m a very simple girl
You deserve better than me
But I want you just the same
I just want to transform
So maybe one day
You might fall in love with me
I wish I was enough
To fill the hole inside your heart
But this is all I am
And I’ll never satisfy
I’m not good for you
I’ll only bring you down
So just say goodbye
Forget that I’m around
I will never stop hoping
That I will change someday
And I will be your girl
For as long as you’ll have me
Deep inside I know
That this will never be
But I won’t give up hope
That one day you will see
And maybe some day
You’ll notice me there
And you’ll open your eyes
Seeing how much I care
You’ll take me in your arms
And whisper in my ear
How wonderful I am
And that you always want me here
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Amazing poem
I think I can relate a lot to it when I think of my first ever crush.
This is good. Very simple, but good. I think every girl thinks this way about the person they want. Keep up the good work.
Ireally liked this poem. It had heart. Though youer rhyming scheme was a bit all over the place, but then again I can't say much since non e of my poems even have anything remotely like a rhyming scheme
For a first try I can definitly say that your on your way. If this is a first attempt just imagine what you'll be like with a little experience. Well done.
toadrules007-
This is pretty standard beginner's work. The best advice I can give you is to stop writing poetry that automatically bores your reader. You can do this by avoiding several topics:
1) Depression/Suicide
2) Self-loathing/Navel-gazing
3) Unrequited love/Angst
Unfortunately, this incorporates all three of these topics and renders it pretty much less than mediocre. There are many articles here written on poetry and craft--they are scattered about in the Writing Tips section. I suggest you read them and then try your hand at writing poetry once more. It takes quite a bit of practice, but if you keep your head down and your chin up, you just might have a chance.
All the best,
Brad
NO really, this isn't half-bad. I mean, not the best poem I've ever read, but you're on the way! Couple of suggestions, but otherwise,
not bad for your first poem. Keep it up!
PS I'm only 10, so I'm not the best with the love-bird concept yet. Hopefully my suggestions won't be as umimpressive......
PPS You really don't have to rhyme. Some parts, the rhyming sounds to original, like "The fat cat lay on the mat", too predictable, as if it were used to often so you can rhyme but try not to make it sound like that.
first of all,
(in the second stanza)
You already mentioned that in the first stanza. I think you should try something different, because it sounds repetitive. (I'm really not in the mood for grammar and spelling, my bad if my spelling is goofy)
I maybe would have done:
That was a really good line. That's really catchy and a great use of figure of speech.
Some language was kind of plain and boring, not very lively. Instead of
I'd try
That was kind of "too original". That's used to many times.
How about:
With all this meaning under the poem,
just sounds toooo plain. Try something like
Doesn't appeal to me.
try
Or something like that, I just randomly made it up.
Otherwise, besides all that I've mentioned, it was great, I couldn't really tell you are a beginner. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME!