I had a dream last night,
it was about the first day you laid
eyes on me and said “I’m taking you
home with me.”
I had a dream last night,
it was about the day the process
got finalized for you to take
me home forever.
I had a dream last night,
about all the conversations
that we had in the car when
we used to go shopping.
I had a dream last night,
about the day GOD
would call you home.
Thinking about what I would
say to you before you pass.
The dream I had about the day
GOD would call you home, I didn’t
think that it would happen so soon.
I was only ten years old about to be
eleven when GOD called you home.
Eight years have passed now
and the dream that I have now
is about being with you and the family, even
the dogs Sugar and Tippy up in
heaven with Jesus.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there tmorris and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, this is a touching poem. I like how there's a specific narrative with examples of the relationship between you and your dad. I also like the ending stanza where you bring up the dogs in heaven. It's kind of a nice picture even though the poem is sad.
One thing I'd like to get out of the way: there may have been stanzas in this poem, but YWS likes to eat poem formatting. How to Format Poetry Here are some workarounds so you can have proper spacing in your future poems.
Okay now some more specific comments:
I don't think "laid eyes" should be broken up. It puts a weird emphasis on a common phrase.
I assume this is referring to adoption? I'd kind of like to see a little more of this day. Imagery is a really good way to make any poem stand out.
The second half overuses the phrase "God called you home", which is cliche. I don't really get a sense of what happened. I can't even tell if it was gradual ("thinking of what I would say to you"--implies the speaker has time to think about it, like if he's dying of a disease) or sudden ("I didn't think it would happen so soon"-implies that it was something unexpected, like a car accident). I don't need to be told every detail, but I think some more imagery and specificity would make this part stand out more and help me feel the narrator's emotion. viewtopic.php?f=152&t=107793-this is a great article about how to be more specific in poems.
Overall, this poem starts and ends strong, but I'd like to see a little more detail in the middle. Keep writing and welcome again!
OH MMY GOD!!!!!! First off....I wanna cry now...
I am B, and I am gonna just point out a few things....
"it was about the first day you laid
eyes on me and said 'I’m taking you
home with me.'"
In this, does it mean that you were like....adopted?
I dont know....but i just thought it was sad...
Honestly, that was all that I saw wrong with it, and it was more of a question...
My favorite part was,
"Eight years have passed now
and the dream that I have now
is about being with you and the family, even
the dogs Sugar and Tippy up in
heaven with Jesus."
Because it shows how much time and past, and that it still hurts, but it also shows your love, and everything...and even for the dogs.
I loved this so much!!!!!
I am sorry for your loss, i bet he was great.
With love, ~Bea.