Hi there tmorris and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, this is a touching poem. I like how there's a specific narrative with examples of the relationship between you and your dad. I also like the ending stanza where you bring up the dogs in heaven. It's kind of a nice picture even though the poem is sad.
One thing I'd like to get out of the way: there may have been stanzas in this poem, but YWS likes to eat poem formatting. How to Format Poetry Here are some workarounds so you can have proper spacing in your future poems.
Okay now some more specific comments:
it was about the first day you laid
eyes on me and said “I’m taking you
home with me.”
I don't think "laid eyes" should be broken up. It puts a weird emphasis on a common phrase.
it was about the day the process
got finalized for you to take
me home forever.
I assume this is referring to adoption? I'd kind of like to see a little more of this day. Imagery is a really good way to make any poem stand out.
The second half overuses the phrase "God called you home", which is cliche. I don't really get a sense of what happened. I can't even tell if it was gradual ("thinking of what I would say to you"--implies the speaker has time to think about it, like if he's dying of a disease) or sudden ("I didn't think it would happen so soon"-implies that it was something unexpected, like a car accident). I don't need to be told every detail, but I think some more imagery and specificity would make this part stand out more and help me feel the narrator's emotion. viewtopic.php?f=152&t=107793-this is a great article about how to be more specific in poems.
Overall, this poem starts and ends strong, but I'd like to see a little more detail in the middle. Keep writing and welcome again!
Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274
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