Young Writers Society

Hello. You might not like what I say, so feel free to shield your eyes if this wasn't meant to be reviewed.

I liked how you used Let Her Go for the song, especially considering its sung by a man. And the story did feel genuine, like a raw gem. However, all raw gems have the chance of being polished, and this could certainly use some polishing.

I'll be frank--when I first read this, I was under the impression I was reading a series of text messages. And that has its place in this universe, I've written more than one story in text messages, but that's not the kind of story this is. It feels like a first draft, something a fifteen year old would write (granted, I'm fifteen, but that's not my point). And again, there's a place for that, too! But--er--

Okay, let's just start with the grammar problems.

"Well I didn’t hear the song until my guy send me this and I didn’t only find the lyrics and music amazing…" It was supposed to be "sent", and what did you not only find? It could've used a "but *insert something else special about song*" where you needed it.

"He came like a rainbow in my sky (He will tell me it’s creepy if he read this :*). Just like the rainbow make the sky colourful and complete, he also make me whole and I just love the feeling of being ’committed ‘to him." A good simile, but you don't need to repeat the rainbow being compared to in the second sentence. You could just say he colored your life and made you complete (also, it's made, not make).

"He never tried to impress me because he doesn’t even know how to impress me but still he attracted me like the opposite poles of the magnet." Try "he never tries to impress me, because he doesn't even know how to, but still he's attracted to me--like the opposite poles of a magnet."

And there's more, but I think I've done enough. What I'm saying is, this doesn't need to be a magnum opus. You can have a cute work or two in between your more serious ones, and this is cute--more than just being cute, it's real. However, what you feel doesn't necessarily translate to how the reader feels. You can express yourself in your writing, but if you're to publish it anywhere, you must make sure the audience feels it.

Good luck with editing--hope it turns out for the better. You have a lot of raw emotion, and it'd be nice to see that be transformed into a diamond.

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

This short story could relate to most people who read this. I liked the way you started this was some dialogue, as it gives the sense of the character without giving the name of them. It gives the feel and setting of what might be able to come. You seem to explain the relationship between the main character and her lover (which from the previous review, you state it is you and you were going to give your boyfriend this story as a surprise.) As I continued reading, I see the meaning and thoughtfulness that you put into this short story.

However, there were somethings I found that struck out to me. There are some rookie mistakes with punctuation. Like the reviewer below stated, this seemed to be something someone would see on a wall post on Facebook since it expresses the love for their boyfriend/girlfriend. Even though you describe is fine and gave the reader something to feel happy for, it seemed to fall flat of entertaining.
Nonetheless, it caught my attention since I could somewhat relate.

If you re-read this story, you will see some comma splices (commas that don't belong/are misplaced). Another thing, when you are re-reading, try finding the central voice of it all. Even though it seems to be your opinion, try even out the thoughts and give a reason to as why you love him and how he is different from other guys.

Other then that, I enjoyed this story very deeply. If you like me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy

Hello there,

I think I have a review for you and I'm going to be quite frank.

First of all, it didn't sound anything like an article to me. And, the title didn't go with the main part at all, that's what I feel. You could just put it in the other section. And, also the rating thing I didn't quite get again. You could simply write a story by mixing all these feelings you have and I bet that'd turn out to be a decent love story. All right, I felt like I was reading some wall post while I was reading this and yes, you've done a great job indeed on telling about what-you-were-telling but that really isn't article, what you have here. That seems to be my objection.
Anyway, hopefully, I'm not being VERY HARSH because that's something I don't think I ever am! XD You started with a song and you continued saying "My guy." You could simply use his name or any other name. I don't think you're that reluctant to use your personal informations as you've mentioned your name. There were some typos like in the second line you wrote, "Didn't heard" which should be "Didn't hear." And, your last line says, "Until he says, baby I love you" read that again. I think you meant something else!

Anyway, very sweet it was indeed but I think it'd fit perfectly as a blog or wall post.

Keep writing. And, don't get mad at this review. Please.

~Nire.