The day i turned thirteen
My mother warned its your teen;
No shinchan,no Mr. bean
I was addicted to fashionable jeans
Emotions called "love" i understand well
Often used "what the hell";
Topics were usually boys and boys
whom i thought to be my favourite toys
life was fantastic or i just feel
getting size zero by skipping meals;
best hairstyles nd make-up
waking whole night with a short nap up
crushes and feelings grew up high
for it was difficult 2 even say "bye";
no time for parents i had
coz night shows drive me mad
tensions and frustations
sometimes video games and playstations;
i wanted everything i cant afford
to all gals i wanted to show off
these teenage years are amazing friends
as they help to learn a lot we cant lend;
but one thing u need to mend
don't lose your limits in these trends
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
126,539 Literary Works • 672,938 Reviews
Hey, Tiyu. Welcome to YWS!
This poem was an interesting read, and I was thoroughly entertained the whole time. It had this beat to it that kept my head bopping, and if this was fixed up a little this honestly could be a fun rap.
I'm assuming that line was a cultural reference of some sort, because that made absolutely no sense at all. It was also weird because it seemed like the mother was still talking.
Though, there are a few things that really stand out about this. Particularly the rhyming scheme, capitalization, and text speak. While all of that can make a poem stronger, it seemed to take away from this one a little bit.
The rhyming actually made this enjoyable, and it kept some sort of beat. Which backs up my suggestion for this to be some type of lyric, such as a rap. However, on the nineteenth line it seems to falter, just for the big almost-rhyme finish. Though the need for the superb scheme to be broken doesn't seem worth it. While the two lines might add to the teenage experience of "wanting everything", does it really make sense to kill off something that had been going on for a good eighteen lines above that? Perhaps find something else that may work there.
One thing that stands out is the capitalization in the first seven lines, then the lack of it in the rest of the poem. It really looks off, and doesn't make sense for the switch. The artistic style doesn't look like a style, and more of a jumbled mess. Perhaps if it was consistent, then the poem would appear a lot neater. (e.i. All lower case, or capitals at the start of every line, or use of capitals for emphasis, or all lower case except when it's needed because of grammar, etc.)
The text speak in some of the lines takes away from the overall enjoyment of the work. Making it look unprofessional. (Using the letter "u" instead of the word "you" was slightly confusing, and using the number "2" instead of the the word "to" made it difficult to read.)
As I said before, this was a fun read. I do hope that you keep on writing!
~Adrian
I loved the basic concept of this poem. It was well thought out, and creative.
I understand that this is an actual form of poetry, and you've worked with it well. Although, and i mean this in the nicest way possible, you could do better. Simply put, a few corrections could perfect this piece.
The grammar and word choice was a poor decision, in my personal opinion. It could have been much better, if you used proper spelling and capitalization.
Also, i feel as if some of the rhymes are forced. This may simply be due to the fact that there is a lack of words.
There are also instances where the words simply seem out of place. I fully understand that you have to change a lot of your wordings, in order to keep a basic rhyme scheme. Yet, it seems as if you tried to solve that problem, by moving the words around. This is a risky move to make. It worked in a few of your lines, but not all.
I believe you should edit this poem, and rethink some of the words you chose. Then, it may very well be a wonderful poem.
Good luck to you.
I loved the basic concept of this poem. It was well thought out, and creative.
I understand that this is an actual form of poetry, and you've worked with it well. Although, and i mean this in the nicest way possible, you could do better. Simply put, a few corrections could perfect this piece.
The grammar and word choice was a poor decision, in my personal opinion. It could have been much better, if you used proper spelling and capitalization.
Also, i feel as if some of the rhymes are forced. This may simply be due to the fact that there is a lack of words.
There are also instances where the words simply seem out of place. I fully understand that you have to change a lot of your wordings, in order to keep a basic rhyme scheme. Yet, it seems as if you tried to solve that problem, by moving the words around. This is a risky move to make. It worked in a few of your lines, but not all.
I believe you should edit this poem, and rethink some of the words you chose. Then, it may very well be a wonderful poem.
Good luck to you.
The theme this poem touches on is deep amd dramatic and the rhythm makes the overall feel entertaining and unique. I especially like the two passages "No Sinchan, No Mr Bean" and "Tensions and frustrations, sometimes video games and playstations" both I have never heard like before and add more sense to growing up and the teenage years. However the rhyme pattern is a bit off in some places causing a small hiccup in the overall feeling, such as "I wanted everything I can't afford, to all gals I wanted to show off". Not to mention there are multiple typos scattered throughout the passage and a good proofread could fix it up, don't forget replacing "to" with "2" and "you" and "u" is slightly unnatractive in poetry, having the corect form won't take the lines off rhythm. Overall a nice piece and a good start for you on your YWS path, be sure to do a quick spell check next time and you should be just fine.
thanks sir for your kind words and for review... i will surely try to improve next time
If you want to correct the text on this specific piece. You can do so by going to the right side of the screen on this poem and going under the section called tools. You can edit your poem from there.
Simplicity is best, to much detail put into a poem can turn in bad but you kept it nicely balanced. Some of your rhymes are a little stretched but it didnt take away from the poem that much so nicely done, i find it difficult to carry out a rhyme scheme through the end of the poem. Over all nicely done!
I posted a piece over on my page called "Sorry, I Dont Believe In Love" could you check it out and tell me what you think? That would be great.
simply superb
keep going
thnx fr reading