Once upon a time in a dank and dilapidated village in a dank and dilapidated house there was a man who was drinking heavily in a room by himself. He was a man who didn't care about anyone but himself. One night in the midst of his drinking he looked up at the stars and noticed he was all alone, and that night he vowed that by tomorrow he would have a maidden to have and to hold, forever.
But he knew not what love was and knew not how to acquire a lover; but he knew that his booze was running low so he went to the super market to buy more beer.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who lived in a beautiful little castle upon a hill, but she was not satisfied with this life, she had little friends and no one could make her happy. The King and Queen noticed this and sent her to the town councilor to find out why she was so unhappy. Over a long discussion with the princess the councilor decided that the source of her unhappiness was that she did not have a lover. The king and Queen were angered by this and yelled at the princess for not finding a lover. This upset the princess very much so she decided she was going to off herself. But after she searched though out the castle and couldn't find any materials to do it with, did she decide to go to the supermarket to buy some razors.
The drunk and the princess met at the door to the supermarket and when they gazed into each others eyes they knew they were in love. After hours of talking they lost the reason why they had come to the supermarket in the first place. They began to kiss then began to make out and soon they were having sex. But it was late and the princess needed to return to the castle, and so they left each happier than when they had arrived. The princess ran to the castle and told all her friends about the man she had just met. But her friends weren't pleased with her behavior, nor did they approve of the man she had fucked. The princess was upset by this, and ignored their opinions and ran up to her room and locked the door. The princess's best friend, went up to the princess's room to try to help the princess understand why no one liked the drunk. This infuriated the princess more and she fired her best friend and hired a newer, dumber one to make the princess feel good about herself.
The drunk on the other hand celebrated his achievement with his drinking buddies. They partied and partied and partied, but the drunk partied a bit too much and lost control of himself. A fair madden jumped on this chance and captured him for the night. When the drunk awoke the next morning he was appalled to see the woman who lay next to him. The drunk knew not what to do, so he tried to ease his troubled head by buying the princess some flowers.
The princess in her materialistic euphoria made love to the drunk again, and told him that she would love him forever. The drunk was delighted to hear that his scheme had worked and quickly repeated what she had said.
Months went by, the princess had lost more and more friends and the drunk had cheated on her again and again, Then one day the King and the Queen found out that the princess had fucked the drunk and became angry with their child. They told her that she could no longer see the drunk, and did not permit her to leave the castle.
This upset the princess very much, and when the drunk found out he became so angry that he chopped down the tallest tree in the woods and dragged it all the way to the palace grounds. He then raised it to the princess's window and snatched her away, and road off into the sunset. And they lived happily ever after.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Titorelli!
Okay, so the video finally loaded up, so hopefully it'll help! Mainly, I go over the main points, and fortunately for you, the critique is fairly shortish! Good? I think so! So watch and enjoy:
http://revver.com/video/1307206/affilia ... the-drunk/
If you have any questions whatsoever, just ask.
And, as a side note, my shirt says, "IBM -- I'd buy a Macintosh." So don't be fooled by the shirt!
wow, that fairy tale was not like all the other fairy tales in the world. I understand because your a first timer here so your going to make some mistakes but there were a lot of them. I didn't correct everything just some things.
Hi,
I see no one has criticed your work yet so I will have the pleasure of being first.
The repetition sort of bothers me here. That's just my opinion, but if it was me I would change it to something like "Once upon a time in a dank, dilapidated village and in a muggy and decaying..." It just seems to flow better.
Try something like "The man did not have a care for anyone but himself"
"and noticed, for the first time, that he was all alone; that night he vowed that by tomorrow he would find a maiden" *only one d in maiden.
were
Put a bit of space between them, so people know you are starting something else.
through
By reading this it seems like they came together. Switch to "they both"
"they both began to kiss, then soon their tongues were attached to each other; and shortly after came the sex"
"By then it was late..."
Try using ; instead of and so much: "opinions; she ran up..."
"hired a new, dumber one..."
Earlier you said that the princess hired a new best friend. It doesn't make sense that she lost them. Maybe try something like "the princess had hired then fired more..."
Period instead of comma.
"window; snatched her away..."
I would add a "The End" at the end of this story. Just to add to the fairy tale affect. I liked this story a lot, it was a very good twisted fairy tale. Very modern. Also true to what would happen in our time. Be careful on spelling. Make sure you check your work before posting it.
I hope you write something else like this!
Love,
N
p.s. YWS has a 1 to 2 ratio. For every post you need to have two reviews. Make sure you do that before you post something again!
Definitely R. also for the er, promiscuious behavior, eh? Work on the spelling.
councilor in this context is counselor, and maiden has one d.
Rated R for language.