There once was a man who had a touch of death, that is if any unlucky being touched him in the slightest way they'd be dead in a second. This man was unhappy at first, thinking he was cursed to only observe people come and go never bothering to look his way. He quickly accepted that that he would always and forever be alone and was fine with this; however, being an observer to human nature took its toll on this man, he was upset with the humans and would touch everyone that would com near him.
Bodies began to pile up all around him, but he continued to touch everyone that came near him.
Until one day a woman came near him that he did not want to touch, instead he called out to her to get her attention. She turned and stared at him with her doe like eyes, and said, "Hello."
But he was afraid that if he said anything he would eventually have to touch her like all the other humans did, so he said nothing. But the woman approached him gently ignoring the dead bodies as she walked closer to him. She soon stood face to face with the man with the touch of death. She went to hold his hand, but the man snap his hand away.
"Hold still," she said sweetly ad went for the man's hand again. This time the man allowed her to hold his hand, and when she touched him the man fell to the ground, dead as the bodies that lay around him
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey titorelli, and welcome to YWS. Jiggity and Insomnia have pretty much expressed some of my thoughts on this. Here, I'm going to give you some food for thought.
What made him accept though? Elaborate and explain.
Why ignore them though?
What did the man felt when the woman wanted to hold her hand?
Overall impressions:
The problem with this piece is that the ideas in this are very contrived. Everything happens without consequence and reasoning. Given the nature of your piece, you must give examples and/or provide explanations to back up what you are saying so that logic flows in your piece. Also, your piece reads more like a summary as your ideas are not organized within a narrative structure.
First of all, define who your character is. What is his personality? What are his opinions? What are his emotions? Who is he and what does he do? How does he have those powers?
Next, you need a plot. A plot is basically a sequence of events or obstacles in which the main character must overcome in order to fulfill his/her desire. This is one of the reasons as to why people read books: To find out how the main character overcomes these challenges to fulfill his/her desires. Think of a children's fairy tale like "The Three Little Pigs." The objective of the main character (the pig) is to seek safety from the wolf. The conflict in it is that the wolf keeps chasing them and blowing their house down. But that's only the tip of the ice-berg. Plot itself is also divided into several parts: Opening, rising action, climax and resolution.
In the opening, it basically introduces your setting, society and characters. In the rising action, it's where a series of conflicts or issues that happen to slowly develop to a climax. Conflicts can be both internal (within the character) or external (between two or more characters or with society and events):
External conflict:
-Conflict between individuals
-Conflict between groups
-Conflict caused by circumstances
Internal conflict:
- A character's conflicting ideas/values/emotions.
The climax is basically the ultimate showdown or "the final boss fight" between two or more opposing people/forces in your society.
Resolution is how the conflicts in the story are resolved and whether or not the character is able to achieve his/her desires.
Lastly, be sure to give examples or explanations so that everything that happens in your piece happens for a reason. If there is no reasoning, then there is no story and your piece will be nonsense. (which is what this is right now at the moment).
Also, provide descriptions to help the audience to picture what's happening. This is another fundamental of creative writing.
OK, that's all I have to say for now. Be sure to also read Jiggity's article as it will get you up and running as a writer. What I've said here is pretty much the bare bones of creative writing. With experience, you will slowly learn much more about the craft. I wish you luck.
Andy.
Hey. We haven't met before, I don't think.
This was an interesting piece. It was a bit short for me to get any impressions. It could use a lot of improvement. Most of this could be done by adding more description and dialogue. You tellinstead of show, so this is a lot shorter than it should be. An examples:
A scene showing the reader this could have gone for a few hundred words, at the very least. Try to do this. Show emotions and interactions. Perhaps you could have a scene where the character discovers their "touch of death," when they kill a loved one without meaning to.
How is he unhappy? What does it to do his features, his posture? Instead of telling us that he's unhappy, show us with descriptions of his appearance.
What it all comes down to is that this is a bit boring if you don't elaborate on things. As it is, it sounds almost like something you'd read to young children to scare them. If that was your intention, then I suppose you may get away with it. However, if you want older readers to enjoy it, you need to use other writing techniques. PM me if you have any questions or want some help.
-Mat
Well, this was pointless.
Short and to the point yes, but...there was no point. What's more, all you did was tell us what happens. You didn't show us anything; we didn't know the man, we weren't affected by the situation, we don't know where he lives, what he does, anything! We don't know his history! You didn't even try to characterise this man and that's what upsets me the most.
There is no plot.
This is more a summary, a synopsis of what might occur than it is a story and for that reason I won't comment on the technical side of the situation; sentence variation and such. You need to stop telling and start showing. Here's a helpful article to get you going, if you don't know how:
viewarticlebody.php?p=462826#462826
Cheers
Before I say anything, I would like to point out the review to submission ratio that the administrator and moderators like to enforce. I'm sure you all ready know of it, but for every work you submit, you must give two reviews. 2:1. You have two reviews, and three submissions, so be sure to review some others' works. The mods might yell at you.
I'll be honest. When I saw the lack of capitalisation in the subject, I thought to myself, "Oh great, another one filled with grammar mistakes." But I was totally mistaken. On a grammatical standard: this was really good! A whole lot better than most things on here, lol. As far as content goes: it was even greater! Really short and to the point. But now I'm wondering who that woman was!
I found just a couple of things - really minor, nothing to worry about. I'll just copy/paste.
I hope my proofreading helps in some way. I look forward to continuing to read the rest of your work.