Dear Diary,
Ok so I got this diary for Christmas from my Grandma so I thought I should write in it. Today is Sunday and I really should be doing my homework that these teachers who don't care that were on a break gave to us ;but I can't. I am waiting for a text message from Cory this boy I really like. He told me he thinks I'm cute.(: My best friend Natasha said she thinks he might be into me. The only problem is this awful girl Lindsay who thinks she runs the whole middle school likes him too. She always wears short skirt and tight shirts. Ugh! I hate her but of course all the boys like her and her annoying clones Betty and Amy. OMG! I just got a text from Cory I gotta call Natasha.
peace
-Ellen
Dear Diary,
It is now 9:09 and I can not stop thinking about Cory. I know this is bad I am an 8th grader and can not to stop thinking about the cutest nicest boy in our grade. I do have some good news! Jeff , Cory's best friend, is throwing a New Years Eve party. Me and Natasha are going to the mall tomorrow to see if we can get a cute outfit and I am really excited because I'll actually get to talk to Cory in person. Yay! But everything is not going absolutely perfect; Sally one of my friends said that Lindsay is thinking about asking someone to the party... You guessed it she wants to ask Cory. I gotta go watch a movie with the fam. Hopefully things get better.
Bye!
-Ellen
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, first of all welcome to the forum!
I've been called a very harsh critiquer before, so please, it's nothing personal against you or your story (I know how close those things can get to our hearts!). I'm constantly crossing things out in my own stories. Anyways, enough about me. On to the review. 
So far, it seems a little clichéd; the MC's a girl who's fallen for the cutest guy at school, she's got a supportive best friend, and an enemy in the most popular girl who's flanked by two other glossed-up dolls. Depending on where you take the story, though, you could totally change the plot and have some good twists that won't be expected.
It'd be nice to kind of get to know the MC as well, though I realize that this is just the first chapter. But give us an insight to her personality; she's not just besotted with a guy (hopefully), so it's nice to see her range of interests and humor and such. It makes the reader able to identify with her more.
I also noticed some grammatical errors, but since you're writing in a diary, then I'm not sure whether you want those, to kind of add to the realism, if that makes any sense (I hope so!).
Anyways, sorry for seeming to come down so harshly on your story! Keep up the good work!
Hey, Tishyy! This here's Jabber, and I thought I'd stop by to see what you have for us. Welcome to YWS by the way! Feel free to stop by the Welcome Mat and introduce yourself!
Ooh, this sounds like a diary story. (Duh, Jabber!) I really like diary stories. I wish I read them more often 'cause they really do tell a story in such a unique way, especially when written well. (Another duh, Jabber!)
This being your opening diary entry, it sounds so real. And yet, I think Ellen would be talking a lot more about Christmas! I'm not sure what the date is for her, but as far as I know, she got this for Christmas and started writing in it as soon as she could! In which case, she'd probably be talking about Christmas plans or gifts. The last thing any school kid wants to talk about over Christmas is school!
Also, that random emoticon in there, I hope Ellen actually wrote the [: D] rather than draw a yellow emoticon, lol. But then again, if that's her style of diary-writing, so be it! I know I actually do the : D in written conversations. Ellen and I share a special bond, I guess.
Anyway, PM me if you need anything! I'm more than happy to help. =)
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!