Death doesn't want me.
Life doesn't want me.
And I want both.
The wind of the past
The rain of the future
The sunburn of the present.
All irrelevant.
All relevant.
Pain and Suffering
Lost to all who are blind
To see the wound of
Life's birthmark.
Death trembles and walks away,
Not even saying goodbye.
Hope is lost.
Purpose is the everlasting
figment of sleep.
To dream is to live and die.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey! Cello here for a quick review! Happy review day!
I really liked this poem. Each word carried great meaning and everything flowed calmly. There's not a lot I can edit content wise (It's all too good) So I'd like to make a few formatting suggestions. (And one content suggestion)
Okay, here's my content suggestion. 'But I want both'. Despite that fact that neither life nor death want you, you still want both so 'but' is a much better word.
There's no reason (That I see at least) for 'suffering' to be capitalized. It looks a bit unprofessional and it attracts unneeded attention, distracting the reader. I simply suggest to make it lowercase.
This is the only line that gets a comma and there are many other lines that need them. Either all lines that need commas get them, or no lines get them. 'The wind of the past, The rain of the future,' Just read through and throw in a few more commas.
This is the only line uncapitalized. If you hadn't caught on, I'm a tad obsessed with consistency. Capitalize it. It fits that pattern and looks better.
Amazing poem! Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hi! Thank you for the review. Personally, consistency is quite boring, commas and full stops are unnecessary. Our styles are obviously different. Nevertheless, I appreciate the review.
Hullo! Gladdy here for a review.
Alright, I wouldn't recommend centering this, because it's a longer poem. It's fine to center it if it's a shorter poem, but you should just stick with putting this to to the left.
Also, please put this into stanzas! You /definitely/ can't have a centered poem without stanzas, it just doesn't look or feel right.
These shouldn't be two separate lines, it ruins the flow of the poem. Same thing with this:
These lines aren't very shaped, it'd be better if they were closer to the same length, but at least put this to the left rather than the center. The center is for shorter poems with slightly longer lines. You can check out my poem "Ignored" for a reference.
I like the poem, it's like you're having a little Existential crisis while you're having insomnia, which is something a lot of people (me) have to deal with.
Nice, keep writing.
~Gladdy
Thank you so much for the review. I find your attitude a bit formalist, which I don't necessarily dislike. However, I don't see it as the most important part of art of any kind. The message is the thing that is important, and it's not an existential crisis (unlike all the other poems I have ever written). Thank you, again.
Well then. I love how unique it is, there is literally nothing like it. It can relate to everybody, because it's not just about one specific thing. As well I love how it contradicts itself, by which it makes no sense, but at the same time makes perfect sense. Overall it's very unique and I love it.
Thank you so much!
This poem conveys your idea fantastically well without actually saying too much, which I appreciate.
I don't know exactly why but I adore these lines. I feel the same way, not quite fitting in with life but not really wanting death. At least that's how I interpreted it.This doesn't seem to fit in quite so well, going from life and death to sunburn doesn't flow well.
I LOVE this line. The way you personify death is beautiful and very eloquent.
This final line is a perfect ending to a lovely poem, I feel that it is thought provoking and very accurate. Dreaming is sort of like life and death, and I'm really glad someone finally said it
Can't wait to read more from you! Keep up the fantastic work!
Thank you for the review! I'm really glad you liked my poem. The first lines about life and death are well interpreted. I'm also not quite satisfied with the 'sunburn'. I'll probably change that part when I come up with a better solution.