Published January 5, 2011
hey.. this is one of my first poetries kinda short and stuff...
please read and review!!!
thankss!!
Sometimes I look out at the sun and feel the tears
That run down my face as I suppress my fears.
I see you, but I don't see me
Walking away, happy as could be.
I see you and the distance between us
That grows longer and longer as we adjust.
I'm alone as I look at the sea
And throw away all that was left of me.
You're not there anymore and I have to let go
Before I cling to this jealousy that is so low.
What will happen to you and me?
With all that's gone down in our history?
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138,495 Literary Works • 672,143 Reviews
nice work.. short and simple.. clear and concise.. keep up the good work
A really good piece of poetry.
Its shows emotion and I love the imagery used.
Though I would have loved to have read more and a little bit more detail to be added. It also confused me slightly and it did feel a little rushed.
Apart from those to points a nice piece.
Well done!
Hey...
If this is one of your first poems then i must say you get hell lot of talent stuffed inside of you...
Great work with the rhyming... Its so smooth to read and the flow is perfect...
Keep up the good work...
PM me for anything...
Hey tintin! I'm Evi.
So I wasn't particularly fond of this poem, and there are a couple of reasons for this. The first is that you try to rhyme the last word of every line, but since the lines don't have any type of rhythm or meter (meaning they're all different lengths and numbers of syllables) the rhyming is just very forced and gives the poem an unbalanced flow. The other problem with rhyming is that it significantly limits your word choice, since you have to fit your poem to the rhyme instead of the words just being able to come to you! As a beginning poet, I'd suggest trying to write free-form-- that is, without the restrictions of rhyme. You might even find that you like it better.
The other reason I didn't love this was that I couldn't follow what you were actually saying. I understand the gist of it, of course-- you love him, you were together, you've had fights, you're drifting apart, and you're worried about the future. It's a pretty common theme in poetry. The difficulty comes when I try to analyze exactly what's going on. Sometimes he cries because she's suppressing her fears...of what? Who's walking away as happy as could be? And now she's looking out into the sun and the sea? And now he's gone, and she's very jealous-- of what, and why? Since she says "I see you, but I don't see me" I assumed this was some vision or dream, but then it appears her love is actually gone.
So, what I'm really trying to say is this: figure out what you're really trying to say, and say it without the strict limitations of rhymes. Your poem is suffering because you can only say certain words, and therefore a lot of it doesn't make sense, and it's not very original. I really liked the image of "and throw away all that was left of me", so maybe you can run with that a bit.
Good luck, PM me for anything!
~Evi