Published May 12, 2008
The edges of all things turn in
Rhythm, parading their contours and
Concretes.
“We are too, too solid!”
they cry.
And the eye is seduced. It comforts
Its aching peripherals with a steady focus,
And shakes away the blur.
Yet there is a groan in sunken fissures
Beyond the fragile skin and spine
And in the silence, the whole world
Echoes,
groaning “Hallelujah.”
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141,396 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
It was confusing to me what you were talking about. I would suggest lengthening it so that the reader knows what you are trying to say. A mental picture is importamt.
I canzt say if I liked it or not because I didn't know what it was talking about. Lol. *blushes*
Hope this helped!
Jamie
Wow, this is great.
But, you could give the reader a better picture of this.
It is very short and you could lengthen it a bit.
All in all it's good.
Great job!
~Lulu
Having 0 reviews sucks, so here I am.
Overall, I liked the the fact that you actual wrote a poem about something real and solid and concrete, not solely emotion or feeling based. But it's too vague, and although it sounded nice, didn't convey to me anyway, any feeling or sense of what exactly you're talking about. Give the reader a few more clues as to what it means.