Young Writers Society

You're welcome.

When I say "abstract" I mean it isn't specific.

Most of this description is transcendent. You use very specific details to make a place seem blurry and confused so that it becomes almost surreal. Yes, this is what is happening. The details seem to support that the funeral is going on. But at the same time, the details are too exact, too restricting to seem real, and thus they seem detached. A detached reality. That's why this piece is good.

By going from very specific words and details to the abstract with that one little sentence, you are shattering the mood you've created. That's why I think you should make those words a little bit more specific.

And I think that wil help you go from third to first better... a consistant tone does wonders for transitions.

Why is abstract meaningless? I intentionally made it abstract, for that is the feeling at a funeral. Emotions are mixed, mind is blurred. I deleted the organ part. Thanks.

It's okay. There are some parts where the symbolism gets overbearing. "The organ plays a surreal song, while reality waits at the doorways." In this line, the word "reality" sounds out of place.

Also, when I first read this, I thought it was going to be in third person, but at the very end, you have it in first. It's quite a start to read it.

Also, this line sounds awkward: "The minister beckons his child to draw near, bringing with him smoke and confusion." Smoke and confusion? Do you mean incense instead of smoke? Your metaphors become a little bit too abstract, and by becoming too abstract, they become meaningless. Try to find a different metaphor that clarifies what you are trying to say.

Wow this piece was absolutely fantastic. I loved the way you made the funeral scene so lively in a unique and great way. There was an enchanting flow in it. I really admire your writing style. Most-no-all of the sentences was one of a kind and simply too good! I really liked this work.

No, though I've heard of Between the Buried & Me. Not a fan of the genre, per se. But not having heard the record, can't say.

I really just skimmed it. It sounded pretty good, but it was a bit clumped, so I didn't feel like reading it all...

But honestly? The real reason I even clicked this was because it's the name of a CD by a band I really like. Any connections? :/