Published March 30, 2006
Hmm. Now, while there was some great stuff in this poem, it was too short to have overpowerewd the not-so-great stuff. I do not dislike your poem, but I do not like it either. Actually, I basically like the last line. The poem is not cohesive. There does not seem to be a central idea/thought/emotion.
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Loved it =D (we could see that coming no?) but seriously, I really did like it. It has rhythm, flow and meaning. I understand it, can connect to it, and genuinely love the desciption of it. Don't change a thing =D
*hearts* Le Penguin.
I like the sound of this and how it moves forward, but I was thrown by "learning how to hide life", because that begs elaboration. It's a strange phrase that could give a lot of meaning to the rug burns and the difficult expulsion of the final lines. I think the main thing that bothers me about this poem is that, as the rhythm moves me through it, I'm grasping at the pieces and not quite getting it.
Hi there Misty! So I don't think your poetry is as awesome as your short stories but no worries, this is the right place to get some tips on improving it. Here's a few comments...
Rugburns [I had to look this up on the net because we don't use the term in England but I like the sound of the word and it makes for an interesting title.]
I've got rugburns on my forearms [This is rather abrupt. Why not put some of your great description to use here and show us how the rugburns look.]
from falling time again [I think this line is a touch confusing. Perhaps 'from falling time and time again' might sound smoother and also, you should end this line with a full stop.]
And the paint, it stains my fingers
- my face is wearing thin [End this line with a full stop and the line is a touch over used.]
Learning how to hide life [How to hide life? Not how to hide from life?]
vulnerable till then [I like this line. The subtle rhyme is effective too.]
And these deep, dank dark holes? [I'm sure you could come up with a more unique description but the alliteration is nice.]
Harder out than in. [I like this line a lot and I think it ends the poem well.]
Overall, I think you need to use more imagery but you have a good idea and the foundation for a great poem.
I'm not sure about this.
I liked it, but I'm still not sure. The rhyming schemes were soft and entwined deep beneath which was good. Although I think it was too short for me, add a little more information for the reader perhaps?
I liked the subtle rhyming. You managed to convey emotions well.
I loved the alliteration. This was my favourite part. However, i think you could add some more imagery.
i dont really do poetry cuz im not good at writing or analyzing it BUT...
.....it was cool....
Well, I liked the rhyme scheme. And the usage of the metaphorical (metaphorical? I'm assuming) vocabulary was effective.
I enjoyed how it conveyed a lot of emotion in a short, concise reading.
i actually didn't think this was too short, which is something i usually do so...it's a compliment, i suppose. you made your point strong and quick, with a touch of rhyme and proper rhythm, as well as very poetic images.