Published August 22, 2008
One cannot mute the imagined sound
that like a homeless echo settles in
where it is most unwelcome.
The caterwaul
of new abandonment
shrieks its chalky name
at a dusty, distant moon.
I mark the time by nameless infants
weeping next to patriarchs
a dark unwatered end.
yet my bed is still as soft
as baby hands
my room as quiet as
an empty nursery
only my head is
too loud.
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I know exactly what you mean and you manage to describe it in ways i never would have imagined. I think it's really good!
It runs smoothly, despite the different line breaks. The poem works with them so it doesn't obstruct it at all.
Your words were very vibrant, though thats not really the right word for it. what i mean i that they stood out and made me look closer. They catch attention well and seem quite load which is in keeping with the subject of the poem.
A very good subject as well. Not the first I have come across but because its different inside different peoples heads, good writers can make it original every time.
Well done!
Alice
xxx
Over all I really liked this poem. You are certainly a very clever poet
I found your choice of structure, really interesting and refreshing - it also gave the pace of the piece an exciting dynamic...Kudos! KUDOS I SAY!
The metre of the first stanza was amazing, it was so smooth and relaxed. I love when a poem is effortless. It is very hard to get right
I really enjoyed these two lines in particular:
The word "chalky" is of course better suited on the second line, as a description for the moon. However you've gone and mixed it up, with something completely unrelated. Very post-modern and very clever.
My one critique for this poem is: that your descriptions sometimes veer over to being a tad "purple prose"... Too much description, and too many big words that aren't appropriately placed.
Love
kris
First, I must say: That was an amazing title! I love it.
After re-reading a couple times, I finally got it!
I really don't have much of a critique, I adore this actually.
Favorite stanza. This was worded beautifully. Well done!
Oh wait, maybe I do have some kind of critique. I feel that there is something missing from this simile. It doesn't seem complete. I suggest adding "sleeping" or some other word in front of "nursery" to signify how quiet it actually is.
That that ending, my friend, was flawless. The last two lines are superb.
You know you're getting another star, right?
GREAT! your similes were astounding but you might have pushed them too far. Try to revolve around your main point at all times. It seems to me as if you forgot it at times. other then these your poem was great! keep writing!