Good morning, sunshine
I’m feeling warm today and I think
It’s got something to do with the
Subtle glow of the faint words
Which rest on the translucent screen
I swizzle my dirty blond hair in
Front of the mirrors and pout attractively.
Am I beautiful? He certainly thinks so.
I go downstairs, plastic in my hands
To feed the fish who suck sticky
Skin clean off the blood worms.
Those were yesterday’s messages
But fortune tells me that today’s
Will be even better!
I consult the glass and I read,
It’s unfortunately, finally,
The End.
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Interesting twist - usually, poets spread these among many stanzas, but in this case it seems to have worked because it interests me after beginning to bore me. That is, the beginning of the poem - saying hello to the sun, feeling warm as you wake - is typical sensation that doesn't include anything original. However, the end piques the reader's curiosity by introducing this computer screen, which seems to be an intentionally-weak replacement for nature and the sun. How this plays out, I want to know, and if it doesn't, then I shall come back to this first stanza and be much more critical...
Again, the contrast fits because it runs parallel to the sudden change in mood you had in the first stanza. Here, you talk about beauty and superficial liking, but then go do something so base that it doesn't seem worthy - feeding the fish and watching them rip apart organic matter. However, I must tell you now that unless you introduce a meaning to these contrasts soon, these two stanzas will not live up to the expectations the reader has of them. If you have a solid opening and middle, make sure you have a good ending.
You contrast here one more by first saying today will be better and then realize the truth, that it is not. But why? Why is it the end? Or is this just a clever way of incorporating the words "The End" in with your poem and nothing more? If so, then please do not do that, as it cheapens the value of the poem by breaking the fourth wall and reminding us that we are looking in to a fabrication. Leave the author separate from the character in the play - even if the character and the author are the same, it takes skill to master this way of writing and in my opinion, you should work your way up to that.
In addition, the first and second stanzas really went...nowhere. I was expecting some sort of message, at least, to explain how these striking differences between your outer perceptions and realizations meshed with the theme of the poem but it trickled off in the end rather than exploding. If you did try to make the theme present in the end by the cryptic "unfortunately, finally, The End", then it needs to be clearer because otherwise your poem starts strong and dwindles.
Hope that helped.
Not only is this a long sentance, it has no end points.
Nice word choice!
This part is confusing. What messages? It's alright to be vague, but everything ultimatly needs to connect and this doesn't seem to at all.
Good, but he stanzas were not arranged well. You have 5 verses, then 6 verses, then 3,2,1... It doesn't make sense. That's no good for rhythm then. If you write a poem with free construction you really have to be careful about those things...otherwise...*boom*