Published February 23, 2010
I'm currently at a net cafe getting some tv eps and listening to music and well I thought I might randomly write something off top of my head so tell me if it sucks or not 
. Thinking of adding it to my novel if I don't stray off path.
"But Galyton you must realize, she doesn't belong out there with everyone! She is just a little girl, she should do girly things." Marnie pleaded with Galyton, her husband.
"Darling, the girliest thing shes ever done is wore a prisoners blood as lipstick! And that is only because she started drinking it. She literally has a thirst for blood.
Now she is old enough to make her own decisions and as she has pretty much taught all of my warriors how to fight, she deserves her place on the battle field. That is final!"
**********************************
Sarah exited the castle, suited up for that nights training, and headed toward the training ground.
Ahhhh one day to go and than I'll get the head of Grinspot.
She walked, barefoot, on the prickly ground of Plantof field and continued past the Spring forest until without warning she was surrounded by knights wearing the colours of Castle Forlorn.
"Well well well," The biggest of them said starting his way toward Sarah,
what do we have here? Sarah Glamout, how long I've waited for this moment."
He clicked his fingers and three men took a hold of her.
"Fight me like a man you bastard," She screamed at him with pure hatred.
"But you aren't a man," He said softly, "So you don't deserve that honor!"
And with that he pulled out his sword and with one swift motion she fell to the ground, head dropping next to her body.
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i itend on doing that when i expand it in my book or such
Hi,
Sorry I didn't get the idea much and didn't like it.You can explain and describe in more detail.
Well I would appreciate a review on any or all of my chapters to help me edit, as I agree with you that editting is evil!
I mean so far I vision a chapter before chapter 1 to really introduce the characters as a blunt review I got told me I didn't give enough info or something like that. Really chapter 1 is there so far to help me remember everyones role, every set up everything. It wont be an epic like wheel of time but it still wont be short
I like checking out other peoples novels. I'm writing one myself. Let me just tell you, writing them is fun. Editing them however, is another story.
Thanks for the review
I am thinking of expanding it and adding it into my actual novel Uriel as I feel it will fit with my "do anything I want" attitude I have in that novel
topic58301.html chapter 1
topic58405.html c2
topic58417.html c3
topic58520.html c4
viewtopic.php?t=58665 c5 first 1/4
all chapters are still a work in progress but the main idea is there
Hello, I am AspiringAuthorA..M. and shall be your reviewer tonight.
Too many 'and's and that first 'and' can be omitted. It is usually not wise to begin a sentence with 'and'. Though, we as writers tend to do it all time.Nice little story you have here. You just need to work out the kinks. Especially that missing chunk of details that I noted. Have a nice day.
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Oh, that's not what I meant! Sorry about that. I was talking about the word 'girliest'...yep, I don't think many people these days smear their lips with blood!
~KD
thats good to hear, wasn't really going for original just bored sorta and wanted to see how I am writing off top of my head.
modern? cause of the lipstick? I guess in my fantasy world lipstick isn't modern
and yeah I sorta wanted to set her out as a hard bitch!
Thanks for the review. might write some more random parts of it...
Hey, I'm Kaedee. So I guess I'm here to 'tell you if it sucks or not'.
(Sounds too modern, by the way.) This really shows a lot about Sarah, and even is a bit shocking! That is a very interesting idea.So...
I don't think it sucks at all! The idea is in multiple novels that I have read, so it doesn't quite stand out as original or different, though, if you're wondering about that. But if you make this idea more unique or if you add your own twist to it.
You could make a very interesting character out of Sarah, especially because of this part:
There are various nitpicks I could point out in here, but I was just supposed to talk about the idea, right?
~KD