Young Writers Society

This is definitly my fave chapter I think partly it is because of what I do to the face but I wont spoil it

Chapter 5: Deep in it, and I mean in many things!

Deep in what, you ask? Well I’ll tell you. Dear God, where to start?

I was in that damn evil dungeon for five damn weeks, maybe longer, I don’t know exactly, but all I do know is that I had never been anywhere worse. I mean, I know you are meant to treat prisoners badly, but this is ridiculous. I swear I would rather have been cut up with my own chainsaw instead of this. At least that would have been fun and less painful.

For the first few days I tried to knock my head into the bars of the cell I was put in, but they were too strong. Then I pulled myself apart and tried to place each part of my body through the spaces between the bars, but every time I tried to squeeze a part through the bars, they moved closer to each other.

For the whole time, I got no food, which I didn’t care about anyway. Being immortal if I don’t eat then I just get skinnier, not hungrier. But, I still haven’t told you what I was deep in, have I?

Firstly, it took what felt like two hours being taken down here, below ground, so I was deep, deep underground but surprisingly it just felt like a straight down walk- not the usual twists and turns like in those other lame stories. Secondly, despite not having anything to eat for all this time, I have had to, ahem, do other things, such as go to the toilet, which they, God bless them, haven’t created in this little cell. Assholes. Isn’t it funny? I was literally deep in shit in a jail cell. But no, I wasn’t complaining, not after thinking about how I was going to destroy these pricks. The saving grace was when something strange happened.

Ok, so I was sitting there, doing nothing, well, actually, humming Crystal Mountain and I started to pace around. I finally decided to take in my surroundings. I was in a small cage in a big room with about fifty other cages, but I was the only one down here. They mustn’t entertain here much, must they? I wonder what the fuck they built the whole thing for.

“FOR FUCK SAKE! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?” I shouted out, hoping for them to finally come and get me. Maybe this was their way of torture and in that case it was working. What they didn’t know at first is that to torture Tigs is to wish for PAIN!

“Don’t shout, Tigs! Just wait another day. The door will open when you wake tomorrow morning,” I looked around for the owner of the voice and I found what was like a fairy, but with angel wings sitting on the ground by another fairy, but this one had normal wings with a tail and whiskers.

“Ok, WTF? Who exactly or what exactly are you?”

“Oh, my name is Permil. Me and Nick here, who you may recognize from your own planet, are helpers of the people on this planet. We finally discovered who and what you are. You are very important to this universe. It is,” it said flying up closer to me, “very, very important that you continue to survive,”

“Why would I not be able to continue surviving? I’m immortal,”

“Yes,” it said getting a little impatient, “but as an immortal you still felt pain from a figment of your imagination. Your best friend actually,”

“How did you know that? Are you saying Joey isn’t real?” I asked trying to process all of this.

“How we know is not very important now and no, he is real but what attacked you was not. It was your imagination leading you to believe he can actually hurt you.

“How can I hurt myself with my own imagination?” I asked, now completely confused.

“You will know” it said starting to disappear, “ When pigs fly so wait a few thousand years or when time is time.”

“Seriously, can someone finally explain what that bloody well means? I’ve heard that so many times I’m starting to go crackers with hearing it. I mean, time is always, so if I wait till when time will be, then that means I will find out right now. But if I’m not finding out right now, what it means is, that that answer is wrong,” I said with my heading going in different places. I hate when I get confused. I looked down at the remaining fairy. It looked up at me clearly amused at how I confused myself. “So what information do you have for me? It better be less confusing than that fairy,” I told it with extreme annoyance. It flew over to the wall and started using its tail like a pen on the wall.

When it finished writing I saw the words: I can not speak, I can only write. Ask what you will and I will try to answer to the best of my knowledge. “Ok, may you explain what is going on here? What is this all about time? What is going on in this world, I mean, nothing has been normal for a long time now,”

Nothing will be what it seems from now on as you are in a different state of mind. The answers will be clear soon but I am sorry I can not give you any more than that information.

“Fine, then please tell me why I am important to this universe, as your friend says I’m meant to be a saving grace? Why am I locked in a damn cell? I mean, this planet is meant to be destroyed. I, myself, destroyed it.”

Yes, this planet was destroyed. What stands are the ghosts of it and its inhabitants. Something possessed them to attack you. When they were destroyed by you, they had not done all they could, even the planet had that state of mind. Every planet you have destroyed is most likely still standing. You must destroy this planet and all the others before they get possessed again. I have one last thing to tell you.

“That being?”

You are in a…

Right before the last word was finished, a noise was heard coming down the stairs. I turned around to see the king on the final step. Turning back around I saw the fairy was gone. The king with his hideous guards walked into the cell and stood in front of me.

“So, I see the fairies have discovered you,” he said looking at the writing on the wall. He turned to one of his guards, “Send word out about them and have them destroyed painfully. I told them not to fuck around, but it’s their choice,”

“Yes sir,” the guard said running back towards the stairs. I heard the clip clop of his feet, now covered in shit, as he ascended the stairs.

“So, dear Tigs, it has been a while hasn’t it? I hope you’ve had fun in this underground chamber? Doing nothing but shitting and singing,” he said with a big look of glee in his eyes.

“Oh, my dear king asshole.”

“Sam lee to you, fucker, and learn it,” he said with a menacing tone, now glaring at me as if he would love to really tear into me.

“Ok, Sam lee fucker, yes I have had loads of fun. I have been plotting ways, each more beautiful than the last, of how I am going to rip every little bit of skin off your body and eat every single bone you have. Once I destroy your little planet, I am going to throw a big feast with only me as the guest. You will all become crap, not that you don’t look like it now,” I said walking closer to him with each word, taking in the look of pure hate he had for me. “Do tell me why you hate me so? You have only really talked to me for ten minutes at the most. Yet, for a king, you act like a complete ass. Is that why they made you king? Or did you just threaten everyone?”

“Oh no,” he said, now red in the face “I am a good king, but when someone attacks my planet for no reason, then I turn nasty.”

“Me attack you for no reason?!” I asked between chuckles. “We attacked you for no reason, you say? No, if I remember correctly, it was you who attacked us for no reason. We visited your planet for a friendly visit of peace and the next thing we know you say some gibberish trash about time. Then your whole planet went wild and you started shooting me with a gun. That is the way it happened, bozo.”

“I think not. I remember it all too well. You came to visit and attacked us all with chainsaws. We didn’t know what was going on.” I could see there was no winning this one. This guy was too out of his mind to realize I was the one telling the truth. The fairies must’ve been right; he was possessed during the attack. The question is, why was he possessed? Why were all the damn planets possessed? And what is everyone’s obsession with time?

“FUCK TIME!” I shouted out without knowing it.

“Fuck time, you say? No, good sir, time has helped us realize that you are the true enemy of ours. All the other planets have lived with us in peace and harmony. There has been no fighting amongst our planets. We just live life normally and peacefully,” he concluded with a look of pride in his face.

“You bloody idiot! The only reason it is all peaceful is because you are all ghosts. You can not feel pain either way, so what would be the use of battling each other? Hmm, it seems we are all in the same boat, ay? Me immortal, you a ghost.”

“Ah, yes, that is a big problem, but you see we have found a solution to that,” at those words I passed out.

******************************************

I awoke to a strange whooshing sound; the wind was passing me very quickly. I was lying down and my eyes were closed as I continued to feel the relaxing wind going through my body. It was even more relaxing than the heat of the sun. The heat kept on building up and up every second. Wiping that from my mind, I just lay there in pure bliss.

After a few minutes, I started to really feel the heat of the sun which started to make my body feel as if it was completely burning up. I finally decided to open my eyes and discovered the cause of the burning heat. In front of me was a big ball of fire. I tried to move, but I saw that I was strapped to something. Arching my head down I saw that it was a rocket. “OHHH SHIT!”

*********************************************

“Tigs wake up,” I opened my eyes as I heard the whisper of that fairy. I looked around the cell, but I saw nothing out of place except the writing on the wall, which was now different.

It is open now GO!!!!

I stood up and walked to the door, pushing it lightly I found that it was unlocked. I walked out quickly. I didn’t care about making any noise. I walked past all the other cells to the entrance and started up the staircase.

As I made my way up, I nearly tripped over something big, and I mean BIG. I picked it up and felt something with big blades and a handle. Looking on the wall I saw a message: Thought you might like this! Have fun with it! This put a big smile on my face, I mean, I had never seen a chainsaw so damn big! It was like the length of a room.

So, I continued up the stairs with the chainsaw, which was turned on the minute I got it, Roaring. No need to be silent now. But while walking up the stairs, I started to wonder how I could destroy ghosts with a chainsaw. Then I remembered they were able to pick me up and put me in the cell, so surely I was able to chop them into billions of pieces. While I continued to ponder this I didn’t realize the staircase had finished and I was surrounded by, well, a shit load of guards all carrying Seaxes.

“Seaxes? For fuck sake, guys! Make me choose between my two favorite weapons!” they looked confused at these words. “Oh fuck it! I’ll use my chainsaw. Haven’t used it in a little while anyway,” at these words they came charging at me. So, naturally, I jumped onto the highest beam in the room and threw the chainsaw down. As it sliced through twenty of them I jumped down into the now lessened circle, and picked up the chainsaw.

First I swung left, which took out ten, then I swung right, which took out twenty. Next, I saw the king running up towards me, his green face as ugly as ever. As he came closer I saw in his hand a gold chainsaw. It had diamond spikes instead of steel, oh God, it was beautiful. The first thought in my head, when I saw it, was that I had to have it!

As I was staring his way, guards were swinging at me full force with their Seaxes, but it made no difference to me. Still facing the king I just swung the chainsaw in a circle around my body. By the time the king had reached my position, me and him were the only ones not cut into pieces.

“KING, HELP US!” came the voices of the little pieces all around the room; they were ghosts don’t forget.

“Why? Because you guys were not strong enough to defeat this little shit? Why must I help the weak? You are not even alive anymore! You are ghosts, but still you lose? You can all lay there in pieces for all I care!” he roared at them with eyes still on me.

“Took you long enough to come down here, fucker. What were you doing? Jacking off or something?”

“Nah, I just wanted to see if you really are what you seem to be. I had to make sure my guards could take out someone who looks so weak, but alas, they FUCKING SUCK! YEAH, I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, ASSHOLES!”

“Enough bullshit!” I told him raising my chainsaw in a battle stance. “Let’s dance, fucker.”

Why should I even describe the fight? It was so damn short. All he did was swing at me and dug his chainsaw deep into my stomach. I started cracking up, and swung the chainsaw at his head, which was removed, his stomach, which was also removed, then the hands and feet and then his ears and then I sliced and diced.

“Fuck, seriously, how did you get to be king? You’re as weak as the guards,” after I said this, I shat and pissed on him, then picked up his chainsaw and dropped the long one. After this I made my way outside and turned to look at the palace. “Damn shame it had to be this way,” I told myself. I started up the little beauty and took out all the legs of the building. The whole thing started to cave in until it was all just rubble. Through the wreckage I heard a little voice screaming out.

“We will get you one day, Tigs! Mark my words!”

“Uh-huh, I am so scared,” I said sarcastically.

As I gazed upon the whole planet, I saw what looked like a gold mine. However, it was actually just a planet which was covered with these ugly fucking monsters. My eyes literally lit up as I started up the chainsaw and screamed “THIS IS THE TIGGY FUCKING MASSACRE, BITCHES!”

Taking out one city lasted a good five hours. I went for about a week taking out the whole planet.

I finally made my way back to the ship when I remembered something. I walked back to where that sand face was. “Hello, shit head, remember me?”

“Who you calling ‘shit head’?” it snarled back. To respond to this question, I pulled down my pants and took a dump, which I had been keeping in for a week, in his mouth.

“That’s who I’m calling ‘shit head’,” I chuckled while crapping.

After this happened, I felt a rumbling beneath my feet. The sand started parting four different ways and in its place was an underground chamber which had stairs going down(duh). I walked down the stairs and came to a door, which opened simply. I stepped in and saw a room full of bombs. Every kind of bomb you can imagine piled on top of each other like an actual mine. I set every bomb on a two hour timer. By the time I was finished, the first bomb I had set had fifty minutes left(I told you there were loads of bombs). With this I ran out of the chamber and back to my ship chainsaw still in hand.

The ship started perfectly. I made sure to be far, far away from the planet before stopping to look at it explode from the force of thousands of bombs. I made a bowl of popcorn and sat down at the window.

Halfway through the bowl, the main attraction occurred. Even though I was a great distance away from the planet, I still felt the pressure building up from the explosion. Halfway through the explosion I heard someone walk into the room. It sounded too real to be my imagination. I turned around, annoyed that my attention had been taken away from the beautiful show, to see Amy holding a Seax.

**********************************

“I HAVE BEEN KNOCKED OUT SO MANY FUCKING TIMES ON THIS DAMN ADVENTURE! WHEN WILL SOMEONE TELL ME THE DAMN PURPOSE OF IT ALL BEFORE I EXPLODE?” I screamed into nothingness. I tried to wake but it didn’t work. I was still knocked out, but I was actually feeling awake while not being awake. Don’t worry it still confuses me.

“Darling, don’t shout. You may make your conscious go into shock,” Amy said, then glided down towards me. I looked around to see her and me standing in a dark empty room with no visible light source. However, that didn’t surprise me as much as the sight of Amy did. This whole adventure was turning into an actual interesting, though also annoying, one. It was really starting to piss me off. But seriously, this was nothing compared to what was coming next.

“Ok, so tell me, where am I? Seriously, what the fuck is going on? This bullshit is really starting to irritate me and, darling, I don’t think I can take it anymore! I mean, I’m only human, ok, immortal also, but it doesn’t mean I can’t go insane! Maybe that is what is going on. I have finally cracked. This is all fake and I am just thinking all this bullshit because it is so damn unusual. What is happening to me? Please, Amy, give me answers because seriously I am going to completely destroy someone!”

“Darling, I can’t give you answers to things even I don’t know, I am in the same boat as you. I know it sucks, but it must be dealt with normally,” she said calmly now holding my hand.

“How the fuck would you explain what normal is? Seriously, I have tried to act as normal as I can, but this is getting ridiculous. I mean, what are you now? A figment of my imagination like Joey was? I mean, we are in my unconscious right now, aren’t we? So that means you aren’t really here, I am just imagining you are. But as what? A guide? Fuck getting guided, I need explanations. Not even those fucking fairies could explain what was going on,” after this I just lay down on the ground cracking up for an hour mainly because of the hilarity of the situation and, I mean, I’m in my own damn mind, so why can‘t I laugh like a nutter?!

When I finally stopped and got back up, I found I was surrounded by some big blue cats. “This really is getting ridiculous! I can’t take it anymore! I want fucking out! Someone, for fuck sake, help me! This has gone on long enough! I want it to end! SOMEONE? ANYONE? Oh, dear God, I’m immortal and I have gone insane! What did I do? Are you punishing me for being immortal? I could stay here for millions of years doing this, can’t I? No one is going to help me, are they?” I gave up. I didn’t care anymore. This whole thing had gotten too screwy for me. So I did the only thing I knew best - violence. I started kicking the crap out of the room I was in. I had passed the point of caring that it was my own unconscious I was kicking. It wasn’t my fault that all this was happening. I was fed up with it all.

Finally, I broke through. “FUCKING RIGHT, DOGGY,” I screamed as I sat up. I was in the cockpit of the ship, next to the window. I looked outside, the planet was long gone. None of the parts had hit the ship as the planet probably turned to complete dust. “One down, many to go! And this time, no fucking around. It’s gonna be a damn universal chainsaw massacre! As I thought this, someone walked into the cockpit. “CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME IN PEACE? I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THIS! EITHER GIVE ME INFORMATION OR LEAVE ME ALONE!” I screamed as I turned around to find no one, “GOOD!”

“Tigs, I know what you’re thinking. This chainsaw massacre is going to be fun. You may regret it in the long run,” Joey’s voice told me from all around. I sighed at this.

“I thought I made myself perfectly clear. Unless you give me worthy information about what is going on, I don’t want to see or hear any of what you have to say. Keep your opinion to yourself and let me do what I love doing, ok? We all clear? Goodo.

“People, spirits, ghosts no one listens and it’s disgusting. What a life I have going for me now,” I told the voice, mainly myself also, in a tone that said I mean business. “Seriously, when I am through with these planets, you guys back on Tylon better be ready to feel the wrath of the king ‘cause he is mighty pissed!”

After all this I decided on a boiling hot shower. I showered for 5 hours without one interruption. “It is so good to get peace,” I said getting out and staring in the mirror in the bathroom. Behind me I saw Joey and Amy. I kicked the mirror in. I walked out, naked, through the ship and kicked all the mirrors in. I put all the pieces through the waste chute out into deep space. “Bye-bye, mirrors,” I said waving and grinning at the pieces flying into complete darkness.

After this, I had finally decided that I had truly and absolutely lost the plot. I walked into my now mirror and person free room, and lay down on the bed. I lay lost in my thoughts for a few hours happily plotting fun ways to destroy the upcoming planets that were destined to be turned into little bits of space dust by me. After coming up with my hundredth idea I went to sleep.