Published June 26, 2010
Thanks all for the very helpful reviews. I have gone through, added commas, removed some stuff to make sentences easier to read! Enjoy 
Everything has gone confused in the view novel section so here is chapter 2 topic66117.html press view novel on that and it will show up the other chapters... when they are done
Chapter 1: Just A Regular Day
Samantha
When a girl says "I hate you', it is just out of anger. Right? Not this time. I hate them, I can't stand it anymore.
There they are arguing again. Thank God they are getting a divorce soon. And you know what? They have the exact same argument every morning and every night.
I mean I could tape the argument one night and tell them not to talk all morning, play the recording and ask if that is what they wanted to say. No doubt the reply would be 'yes'.
I mean I should care that they are breaking up, but months and months of the exact same conversation I can see why it is over and I really can't wait.
I didn't even get to study last night - not that I was actually going to - because they wouldn't shut up not even when I begged them. No doubt when I fail today's exam, the most important exam of the year, they will blame me.
I sigh and sit back down in front of my computer. Ah Blind Guardian there you are. I turn on my favourite song by them, and ever, Precious Jerusalem and smile as their beautiful music takes me into a separate world where the only screaming is of the beautiful operatic voice of their lead singer, Hansi.
“Samantha,” I hear, followed by pounding on my bedroom door, “Turn down that racket!”
Yeah like you guys were able to hear it over the damn screaming, I think but, unfortunately don't say.
I walk over to my bed and pick up my bag which sits above my pillow, beside my cat. I pat him and kiss him.
“Ah cuddles, thank God you don't talk or even understand what is going on, I wouldn't be the only one wishing everything could change.”
I open my bag and put in my lunch followed by the Agatha Christie book I am now reading, Partners in crime, and smile again as I think of the greatest writer ever and the many great places she takes the reader to.If only I could do something important like she did.
Suddenly, I hear my favorite moment in an Avantasia song as my mobile rings and I sigh as I look and see Amy's name and number.
“Hello there bub,” I say as I press to answer the call.
“Why oh why do guys do this to me?” She replies with her usual greeting.
“What has Michael done now?”I say annoyed, again hearing pretty much the exact same thing I hear every morning, yet she doesn't seem to pick it up.
“Wouldn't you believe it, he said he wanted me to wear a blood red dress during the winter dance when I already have pink shoes picked out! And I caught him staring at Emily Rose earlier, while I was trying to explain him that pink and black go together not pink and red. I gave him a poke and he didn't even know what I was talking about. Than I had to start work and off he went with her.
I think him and Emily are doing something behind my back!”
This causes me to laugh, which Amy replies to by yelling at me.
“Darling, Amy, you know, as well as I do, that Emily Rose is gay; she has told us countless times. Even the hottest guys in school can't get her to go out with them.” I say still laughing.
“What?” She replies sounding shocked, “Are you saying now that my boyfriend isn't the hottest guy in school?”
I sigh and try to think of a way to exit the conversation. “Darling,” I say still standing on ice, “look my Mum is calling me to get in the car, I'll see you soon Kay?” I say, with a smile at my genius, as I press the hang up button.
I walk over to my computer, turn off Blind Guardian and remove my Archos from it's charger. I walk over to my bed again, pick up my bag, give my cat a kiss and say, as I open the door, “Don't exhaust yourself too much, ay?” To which he replies with a yawn as I exit my room and close the door.
Amy
Mary Harlot. Thats what they call me. Why? They can clearly see on my name tag my name is Amy Garfield. I know what it was; it was that damn Roberta Johnson going around telling everyone the wrong name. She doesn't know though, does she? She will! And then she will be begging me for forgiveness.
Ah! stuff it. I look at the customer in front of me and I scan and bag all of his groceries. He huffs as if to say I am taking my time, yes dude I'll hurry up so you can get all that fatty food in your stomach.
I finally finish with him and chew my gum some more as Sarah, on the other register, looks at me with an evil eye. Whats her problem?
Oh now look who is next, Emily Rose, finally noticing why Sarah was giving me the eye, with her fake smile. Joy!
I put on my own fake smile and scan her groceries.
“Hi Amy, or is it Mary Harlot, now?” Emily Rose asks as she giggles, black, pony-tailed, hair jumping as she laughs.
“Hi Emily Rose,” I say in my best fake enthusiastic tone; letting her little joke pass.
“Wow! You work before school as well nights, huh?” She asks, still fake smiling, interested... I wonder why!
“Yeah I do,” I say, not adding what I want to say, as I pack the rest of her groceries and ask for the money.
“Well,” She starts pulling out her credit card from her wallet, “I better hurry, Michael wants to help me study the big test today before class. Can you believe people actually think me and him are dating; funny huh?” She says innocently.
“Yeah crazy,” I say back and hand her the receipt.
“That damn cow,” I hear on my left and turn to see Sarah giving the evil eyes to Emily Rose, now walking out of the supermarket.
“Eh,” I reply as I start closing down my register, “she is gay so I shouldn't worry,”
“No, that's just what she wants everyone to think because she doesnt want to date any of the jocks in school,” Sarah says seriously, also closing down her register.
“So,” I say as we walk back to the locker room, “you are saying that that tart is after my boyfriend?”
“Well... yes actually. You heard her, everyone thinks they are together. I say go out and fight for your man, girl!” She says hitting me on my back, leaving me standing in the middle of an aisle.
Oh I'll fight the tart, don't worry about that.
Samantha
"Now Sam," Mum starts, causing me to drop down one of my earphone so that i could hear her, “you know that the fights between your father and I isn't any of your fault, don't you?”
“Oh God mum don't be a damn cliché. I know it is because you two hate each other and take pleasure in telling that to each other every chance you get, now can I go back to putting all my attention to Freedom Call?” I ask, not waiting for an answer as I put the earphone back in and sit there in pure bliss while my mum listens to the radio.
Nothing is said, for the first time in ages, until we finally arrive at my school.
“Well have a good day dear,” Mum says as she kisses me on the cheek.
“Yeah you too,” I say back, as I exit the car, knowing that she actually hates her job.
I start on my way towards the school entrance when someone stops me, puts their hands over my eyes and says “Guess who,” as they do everyday.
“Greg,” I say, removing the hands from my eyes, “You really need to find a new greeting.”
“Huh?” He replies in a shocked voice, “And ruin tradition?”
Ever since the first day of school, Greg has greeted me that way and it has started to become annoying. The first year was fun but over the years I know it is coming yet I can't stop it as I'd probably end up missing it. Eh guys think they are so smart.
“So,” I say, changing the subject as we walk into the gates of Glaver High School, “Is Amy, or Mary Harlot as they call her these days, in yet?”
“I dunno, I just came now.”
“What?” I ask confused. “So late? You usually arrive at six... Oh wait, thats right; you had that date with Jennifer Headley last night didn't you? Late night I take it?” I say, getting a blush from Greg as my reply.
“Nothing happened,” He says unconvincingly as we finally make it to the amphitheater where our group sits during breaks.
“Mhmm,”
“Seriously, nothing happened.”
“Greg, to you, nothing, at a restaurant, is 2 steaks and 2 strawberry sundaes. So, dish”
“A man never kisses and tells,” He blurts out.
“Ahhh! So there was kissing involved was there?” I say, as if coming to a realization.
Greg blushes and stammers until, finally, catching his voice, “Can we change the subject? Did you study for the test today?” he asks as if it was the most important thing in the world.
“No, I sat in my room all night and I listened to music; they didn't shut up all night so I took it as an excuse not to study and just enjoy the music,” I say. Many would think I was joking but Greg knows me better than that.
“Of course you did, Why not just study with the music on?” He asks, with a sigh and a shake of the head, not really expecting an answer.
“And,” I start, not noticing the head shaking, “I bet you had your eyes glued to the study notes?”
“Yes, of course,” Greg answers my rhetorical question; as if I needed convincing that he did study last night.
“Typical, nerdy, Greg,” We hear from behind and turn to see Amy sitting down on a step below us.
“Ay,” He says thinking of a retort, “at least I didn't spend all of last night on the phone complaining to Sam about boys and clothes,”
“You told him?” She exclaims in a high pitched voice, causing Greg to start laughing.
“Hey, at least I have a boyfriend to complain about,” She retorts back which, to her annoyance, doesn't seem to hit as hard as she had hoped.
“Nah, why would I want someone to complain about when I can study and get a good education instead?” He says seriously which causes Amy to start laughing and me to sigh.
Just going through the motions.
Sarah
Watch me fly! Watch me dammit. Come on look, look, look, loooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Ah, why aren't you looking? Stupid people! Eh, I'll jump anyway. I walk to the ledge and jump.
I open my eyes and notice Bryan standing on the step below me, having awoken me from my daydream.
Ah what now? Don't ever get a boyfriend, ever. Suicide looks better but than why kill myself when he may get hit by a truck?
“What?” I ask, taking my headphones off from my ears.
“I said,” He starts, glad that he finally got my attention “What are you doing tomorrow night? I thought we might goto the cinemas and see... well.... anything you want.”
Sorta clingy aren't ya... lack of balls that's what it is. Well only one ball actually and unknown to you the whole school got told the day after I found out. Thank God the school can actually keep a secret.
“No,” I say with a sweet smile. “Bryan, I think we should break up. Actually, no, I know we should break up. Actually wait, what I am trying to say is we are broken up.”
I stand and smile as I look around to see a lot of our classmates, walking on their way to home class, decided to stop and listen to the jockiest guy in school get dumped.
Bryan looks at the crowd, red in the face and they take it as the cue to continue on their way.
I join them now on my to home room.
Ah, well, that is done.
“Whoa Sarah,” I hear as the crowd enters the schools' main building. I turn to see Emily Rose hand in hand with Michael Trevor.
“Yes, Emily Rose?” I ask in my sweetest voice.
“What hit you? You and Bryan were like meant for each other; he worships you, you know?”
“Yeah, you know, Emily,” I say, stopping myself from adding 'damn slut', “us females with a brain don't like clingy guys... only you insecure girls like it when a guy parades you with attention but don't feel bad for having such a small brain, one day you will meet a rich guy and probably die from a drug overdose when you are 25.” This, fortunately, goes over her head, as I'm not really in the fighting mood, as she and Michael move on into the crowd.
Oh, God, now, here comes Amy and Samantha, I turn and run into the girls toilet, not wanting to discuss this with them;praying they don't follow. Silence overtakes the main building of the school as, sighing, I exit the bathroom and make my way to class.
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Only thing I want to reply to
please note the title of chapter 1. regular day
did harry potter start off as fantasy in the first few chapters? not every fantasy story has to start out as fantasy. i already tried, in one story, to tell everyone everything in the first chapter. everyone told me i infodumped. so im trying not to infodump in this. savy?
Hey there. Just some quick comments.
Samantha: I actually wanted to know what her parents were arguing about and what she thought of it and how she's affected. I can accept her ranting like that, but you need to justify it, or else she'll come off as whiny and bland to read. And also, I don't see how your analogies like Agatha Christie and Blind Guardian all tie in with the character, considering her entry reads like one of those recounts you have to do back in primary school. It seemed like you just dumped it there in a vague attempt at characterization.
Amy: Auk, she's hardly even a character. At least with Samantha, you gave the reader something to help understand her character, but this bit reads more like a pointless argument between two girls. It's fluff.
And actually, I'm gonna stop there. I don't really see the point of this piece. Yea, things happen in this piece, but there's like no focus to it at all.
Generally, using a "character view point" format for a piece of writing involves showing the multiple sides and opinions of a particular issue or topic. But here, I fail to see the use of it. They are just doing...teenage stuff. There's like hardly any cause and effect.
Consider tightening the piece more when you edit this.
Andy.
P.S: Why is this in fantasy? Seems like it belongs somewhere else.
Everyone so far has had a lot of good comments. Follow their advice. No point in having punctuation and formatting errors drag down your work, after all. So pick up a copy of your favorite book and observe how everything's punctuated, formatted, etc., and do the same. Also study how the author of this favorite book handles dialogue, italicized thoughts, and indirect thoughts. Make like a mirror and reflect.
And now onto what you wanted me to look at.
Plot. This is only a first chapter, so I can't say much for plot right now. I'll read the second and give you a better answer. What I can tell you is that you're going to have to distance yourself from every other story out there with first person female narratives of teenagers. You mentioned something about fantasy, which is perhaps a good start, but if you're even remotely thinking about some sort of plotline that takes a group of bitchy girls and, thoughout the course of the book, teaches them to like and respect one another... This may be my inner chick flick/chick lit hater talking (and I should tell you right now that I bolt from the majority of books like this) but, be careful. The basic premise you have is fine, but make sure it's going in a positive direction. But more on that later.
For now, dialogue and characters. You've got guts for tackling what I'm sure most would consider something difficult, writing in a close narrative of someone of the opposite sex. But I think you're stressing yourself out too much about it, trying too hard, and the result isn't four believably female characters.
You may not know how the female mind works, and in the real world you may be completely helpless--but you're the author, and these four are your characters. You don't need to know how women think; you need to know how Samantha thinks, how Amy thinks. Forcing typical female attributes into their speech doesn't help at all. Because, while of course some girls are complete and absolute bitches, some are absolute sweethearts who never had a vindictive thought in their lives. If these four are bitchy, shallow, petty humans--then write them as bitchy, shallow, petty humans. But write them as humans. Unique entities first. "Amy's a girl, so therefore she must think like X" is only going to steer you down the wrong path.
You do have to consider how being female has factored into these girls' lives, though. The sociocultural pressures on girls and women are different than those on guys. You hear about it all the time in the media, usually with girls and their weight and the new Western obsession with being rail thin, but all you really have to do is watch the commercials on the television. Those'll tell you what society thinks of as 'man' and as 'woman.' Observe, reflect on how that affects your character, but don't make the mistake of generalizing.
And so... that's what I've got to say. All my opinion, of course, take it or leave it at your own discretion.
Rach
This was interesting. As it was mentioned before, you don't really draw the reader in, with the first paragraph. You need a good hook to grab their attention.
I was getting constantly confused between the thoughts, and the speech. If it weren't for the "", I wouldn't have been able to distinguish it at all. Maybe put thoughts in italics or something, to make them stand out more.
Is it just me, or do all the main characters seem really bitchy? As the reader, I don't really like them, and so far, aren't rooting for them. I think that you need to have at least one of them be a little more... bubbly.?. I''m not sure if that's the word I'm looking for, but it'll have to do.
Also on that point, all the women seem a little mannish. I have the same problem with my female characters, but you need to make them a little more girly. Their speech is too much like that of a man. Maybe go out with a bunch of your female friends, and just observe how they act and talk. It'll go a long way in making your characters more believable.
One more thing, there were a few grammar mistakes. Just make sure to read through the story. You'll notice stuff that spellcheck misses.
That's all I got right now, but if you fix the things that I mentioned, it should be tip top.
cheers,
Pros
bumping due to my having edited and changed some of chapter 1
Thanks all for the reviews and the views. wow 162 views in 4 days? Everyone must love my story
?
Hey here I am tigs at last, to review our story. I really do hope I like it.
Here I do understand what you mean by saying he line. But re-phrasing it would be a lot nicer. Just do it: When a girl says "I hate you' it is just out of anger. Right?So ehr thoughts should be in italics. This is the rule.
I don't think that worlds is any word. Maybe she takes us to different type of world everytime but worlds doesn't suit here.
So again here Amy's thoughts should be italicized. the red part, I mean.
black hair jumping? Sure it is correct to a certain extent but I really think that you could do more with description. Like how is her black hair? Left lose or tied into a pony? I think that all can be done with!
Okay so I literally don't like how you have used 'to' so many times here. It's just stopping the flow of the sentence. It should be rather: "Now Sam," Mum starts causing me to drop down one of my earphone so that i could hear her.Is it better?
Here I found your dialog a clump. You just let the speaker say on continuously without giving her some time to breath. I think you should have told us more about how she really didn't like her mother's thing, how she replied back. I think that would give it some image.
I really love this. Greg seems a best guy to eb friends with.
Hehehe....Loved it!
Does it mean clue?
So i just went through other reviewer's post and found out that you're a male. So you wrote nicely from three female's perspective. Hats off on that!
So now onto some serious review:
Maybe this wasn't written in it's best and you seriously need some work on it, I just felt myself forget everything and enjoy it. Before reading this I just had a fight with my best friend, so I was in a kind of bad mood. But this made me feel lighter. Seriously! And now I am happy again. *chirping like a bird*. I really enjoyed reading it although the lack of proper punctuation marks made it a bit difficult.
I didn't actually do a line-by-line review as others had mostly covered it. But the mistakes were there even when they had told you about it. personally I correct my error that instance when i read the reviews so that the next person who reads it doesn't find the same mistakes and at least they can enjoy it. I think you might have understood me by now. So you should correct the mistakes.
There were many instances where used words like, 'eh', 'oh', etc. Here you should have put an exclamatory sign so as to indicate that i's a serious expression and also this is the rule. So just keep it in mind from the next time. Also you put in many thought of the characters but not in italics. Italics just make reading more easier and the writing somewhat more professional. Like:
1. I just hate you, I thought as I smiled my counterfeited glee.
2. I won't tell her anything now. Let her think about it.
Also you really don't seem to care about commas. Just put them in the right place. Also do you know what a queston tag is? It is a statement followed by a mini-question. The whole sentence is a "tag question", and the mini-question at the end is called a "question tag".
It is like: You haven't met her, have you?
Here's a helpful site telling more about ti and how to use it- Question Tags
You will also find great articles on comma usage.
Now the title. I think Why not should be converted to Why Not? and the chapter's name to Chapter 1: Just a Regular Day. They should be like in capital(the first letter of every word except for in,, for etc.). This is the rule. Also I didn't find the title for the chapter like a one. You can maybe shorten it up a bit. Good luck!
So now coming onto description. it wasn't there at all. You need to describe how the characters look, not necessarily now in this chapter but you can definitely do it in next. And then okay the characters don't want to describe themselves so at least let them describe each other as they are inter-connected. That is an awesome way of doing it. Mind you, without descriptions, a piece looks just like a body without soul.
I very much liked the sarcastic comments and thoughts that your characters have. They make me laugh and I enjoy it.
Sam's story or life seems pretty much the same as I read in many American books. bring something new to her personality or life then. So far my favorite character would be Amy. I just like her tensions and the story of her life.
I am very much impressed that you could write so well in female's POV. It was good.
Besides nit-picks, this really has potential and you have a great story. I just enjoyed reading it somehow. And please tell me where I can find more chapters of it. Have you posted them yet?
See yaa.
Take care.
Hi, thanks for the 2nd review
It seems everyone agrees I should split it so I will go back and make the adjustments to make it work as 2 chapters
thanks all for the advice
All I have to say is chapter 2 or rather chapter 3 now
Now this was stupid on my part cause I was meant to say he was hurrying her along so thanks for pointing it out
chapter 3
Rereading over Samanthas opener again I decided I should add something to clear this up. thanks for the suggestion
correct
I meant that line to represent it was just another day, just another boring day doing the same thing over and over.
than as chapter 3's title will be : And than it changes
She loves her friends but detests the routine
Good cause she is the mean little witch of the 4.
Glad you think so
ok slight spoiler: Sarah is sort of a rich chick, everything handed to her so having a boyfriend who does everything for her, though he did cheat, was like crap to her... she already gets everything she wants.... until chapter 3 that is
I didnt want to infodump with her rich kid status in her part until chapter 3 when we see her at home and the reader sees her lifestyle
wouldn't you agree she hasn't had the best day so far? You are telling me you've never been at school one day, pissed off as hell even in the morning, teacher riding you and you just say to yourself "f it the old bag deserves it"?
He voice says it without emotion... her eyes didn't prehaps I should say that instead
Good point, Ill update that
The "literally" isn't needed there. You say she is being scratched, it means she is being scratched.
From what i've heard these day fights are usual in school with not overly bad punishment. As it was only a small cat fight the teacher just broke it up. Had tables and chairs gone flying than that probably would've been a different story
Agatha Christie is my fave author, Frankenstein one of my fave books ever... So I gave them to my characters to read
She actually gets asked "Why did you start dating him?" on the phone to her best friend in chapter 3.
Internet, for the character, is the source of more music. My character, as well as my self, is very music oriented. I should actually put that in the opener about her love of music.
Sorta stupid answer but they are 15 year old girls. When I remember school back when all girls in my class acted this way, have times changed?
Chapter 3 on pretty much only Sarah is real bitchy
Growth being the keyword. chapter 3 is where everything changes again that being the chapter title.
Glad to see you will be reading on. I am hoping everyone likes how it will be fantasy but not gigantic kingdoms and what not
Thanks for the very long review!
Hi Tigs!
I'm not going to look at all the other review, just because there are a lot.
You need to work on your Punctuation Marks. I'm sure other people helped you with that.
Maybe add some description, but I don't know, is that just how the book is?
um, I got confused with all the different character. But I don't know how to help you with that.
Not sure if I can help with any thing else.
Hope I helped,
Jungle
Why not exactly? Could you possible split the first chapter in two and let the third chapter be what is now the second chapter? As is, this chapter is so long, with so much information being thrown at the reader all at once, it becomes rather difficult to follow by the end.
Partners in Crime should be italics, seeing as how it's the the title of the book. Also, this is a little thing, but maybe remove "current" there? I know you mean it is the book she is currently reading, but the way you have it worded makes it sound like it's the newest Agatha Christie book or something, which is obviously incorrect.
She doesn't know she told everyone the wrong name, or she doesn't know she is in for an act of revenge?
Wait, what? This comment comes out of nowhere. Is he trying to hurry her and she's just snarking at him in her mind? Is she actually trying to hurry him along? And you don't mention what kind of food it is... I dunno, this just bugged me.
Wait, I thought Sarah was giving Amy the evil eye a few chapters back. Now they seem pretty chummy... Was that just a playful evil eye, or have they united against a common enemy. This relationship was confusing...
Question: Does Sam feel any sadness at her parents getting divorced? Does she have a preference for which parent she might end up with? Anything? She seems incredibly apathetic. Does she even care?
Spell out "six" there, methinks.
I'm confused. Does this mean he eats a lot and therefore "nothing" can't be relied on to actually represent something accurately?
So, is Sam just annoyed with her friends (not willing to play along right now) or seriously apathetic about it all? Why does she hang out with them? It seems like she was getting along fine with them, engaging in conversation and everything. Now it seems like she detests them and is "just going through the motions". Why the sudden shift? Where does she actually stand with them?
Whoa. Harsh. Here's where a little character history would have been nice. We don't see Bryan and Sarah interact before this, so all we have is her word that he's being clingy. And he wasn't acting clingy before she dumped him, just asking if she'd like to go out on a date. Normal thing, them being boyfriend and girlfriend and whatnot. So this cold opening dumping makes Sarah seem like quite the witch. Not a very sympathetic introduction.
Again, not really seeing the clingy behavior on Bryan's part, thus making Sarah seem really meanspirited through this whole thing.
See, this would have been nice to know beforehand. Now, we've already got an impression of Sarah and that's going to be hard to shake, especially since we still haven't seen any of Bryan's previous behavior. All we saw was him being a sweet guy asking his girlfriend out and her icily dumping him on his hiney.
Bingo. Right here. Fantastic description. Working it in subtly. Tells two characters' hair colors in two sentences without infodumping. *thumbs up*
Seriously? My respect for this character just dropped a very large notch. Why so disrespectful?
The period after "Miss" isn't needed.
You say she says it without emotion, yet the exclamation point says otherwise.
Why would she call her own voice "whining"? Unless she is teasing him, in which case you might want to say so.
“But poor Amy, really annoyed that you did it during class in front of everyone and now detention instead of going to Hyde Park. How do you know your parents wont take this the wrong way and stop you from coming to the winter dance next week?”
The "literally" isn't needed there. You say she is being scratched, it means she is being scratched.
That's it? I'm thinking that sort of knock-down, drag-out display would quickly have earned something a bit harsher than just the threat of detention.
Again, being the name of a book, Frankenstein needs to be in italics. And what is with these characters all reading classic literature? Nothing wrong with it, just seems very unusual. Also, I'd probably also spell out "fiftieth".
Right, he did. So why did you dump him in the first place? I'm still confused about this. Why did she start dating him at all?
[/quote]
So how come taking the internet away would hurt more if taking away the music "isn't smart"?
*whew* Long chapter there. So many characters come and going and so many relationships being thrown around that I actually had trouble keeping up with them all. It took a second reading for me to begin to get them straight and that isn't really a good thing. Having a reader reread something because they want to is always awesome. Having them have to reread it because they didn't understand something is not so awesome.
I had a really hard time sympathizing with any of your characters. All of them seemed rather (for lack of a better word) bitchy. Granted, I know that there are a lot of people like that in the real world and we all have our own moments of it, but with all of your viewpoint characters like that, it's hard to be interested in anything that's going to happen to them. The reader needs someone to latch onto and be sympathetic towards. It's okay to have bitchy characters, but unless they go through some sort of growth, they don't do well as viewpoint characters because the audience can't stand them (unless it's some sort of villain POV or something).
I'm interested in seeing where you go with this and how you're going to turn it into a fantasy, but right now, I don't care too much about your characters. And that's a bad thing.
Hi, thanks for the review, I have put the names in bold just now, should've done it earlier. Thanks for the reminder
Oh don't I know its long. longest chapter I've ever written of anything in my life.
I can't think of anything to remove except prehaps Samanthas opening POV but I will look through it tomorrow and consider removing some stuff.
Now the 2 characters thing while a good idea I just cant see as I felt that all 4 needed to be introduced for chapter 2 to work...
Thanks again for the review
Yo, tigs. KD here to review!
Let's start off first with formatting; I'll try not to repeat anything that anyone else said.
I think this would be much nicer if you made the change of character POVs much clearer by putting each name in bold, putting in a lot more spaces, etc. Here's an example.
Bob
I really like Cheetos. But, I only like the really hot red ones.
Right now I'm eating the original plain ones. They're bland and tasteless; I knew I would hate them from the start. Ugh.
Jimmy
I don't really like Cheetos. But, Jimmy really does. But only a certain kind.
I bought that certain kind at the store the other day. It was okay.
I apologize in advance for the kinda weird example. It's just what came to my mind first, 'kay? Haha.
So, doing this will make sure your reader won't get lost.
I also thought that this chapter was a bit too long. This was funny at first. I was sucked in, and I wanted to read more, but as time went on, I started to get a little bit lost and a little bit confused...especially with all the different characters. Then the story started to drag a bit. I started the skimming.
In my opinion, to fix this problem, I think this chapter would be better if you cut it down and slowly started the reader off with one or two characters at a time.
Hope I helped! Good luck. Keep on writing!
~KD
Hey Tigs, Coco here!
I completely agree with everything the other two reviewers picked up on, they've made some great comments and I think it would be good for you to consider them. Personally while I was reading this, I thought the personality of some of your character's are good, there's humour too which is always a positive, the only thing I can add as far as improvements is concerned is that the beginning of the chapter needs work - I can't tell you why, I just feel that there's something missing.
I apologize if this reviews been a bit useless, as I said the other reviewers pretty much covered everything I would've said.
Good luck with the rest of this!
*coco
Hello there! Here as requested.
Okay, so I'm not going to go into any nitpicks - I'll just give you my general thoughts.
The first paragraph, I found, didn't really draw me in. It felt like a bit of a normal opening - that is, it didn't seem special, which is a shame because openings need to have a spark of difference to get people to read the rest of the story. If you think of something really original and interesting, then people will want to read the rest; it's a very important part of the story, but I don't think you've quite got it down to pat.
Secondly, the way you write it seems very detached from the narrator, which shouldn't happen because it's in first person! Basically, I feel like you're not going into depth about how they feel about anything; the entire thing is very superficial, it stays on the surface, which means the reader can't really connect with your character at all.
Another thing I noticed it the way it all seems a little rushed. There is no hanging around, you move on so quickly from action to action that we really don't get any time to register what on earth is happening in the story! Take your time - it's worth it.
I hope this helps! PM me with any questions!
while just in the shower i came up with what im gonna do
so if you have been holding back reviews or something please review the full chapter.
the first chapter will be called: just a regular day. the second is: and than it changes
it will introduce our 4 heroines.... Sarah, Amy, Samantha, Emily Rose. it will be in first person present tense all the way. it wont be a fantasy where there are other worlds. its all set in sydney australia in pretty much real places except for the school... an idea taken from my sister who said once "why cant they just have a fantasy novel where its set in the real world... no fantasy places or things like that.
im gonna write the rest of chapter one tonight
so excited... havent been this excited to write ever as its a very new thing for me
Oh and the title means something as it is the word that pretty much starts the adventure!
Firstly I will answer this... I am actually writing, right now, this. The school put it there
Maybe a little background. That chick is pretty much me right now except im 21 and male
I was playing burnout paradise like 10 mins before I wrote that and I heard in my head "You know when a girl says I hate you and she doesnt mean it? Well this is different."
And I dunno why but I thought it'd be a great way to start the story so I decided to change the character into a 15 year old female cause I'd never written for one before etc.
I will also address the mirror issue as I agree. I'm thinking of putting that casually in when we first meet Amy at school.
Thanks for the review
Review ahoy!
Okie dokie, first off: title! Please, please, please give your work a title. It doesn't have to be a great title, but anything is better than "Untitled" or some variation on it. As it stands right now, the title doesn't say anything about anything, just lets us know that you wrote this recently. No incentive to read, no nothing. This is about the worst disservice you can do for your writing. So, title? Please?
Secondly: The way this is formatted right now, I can tell that you had it broken up into paragraphs, but there is no space between them. This is probably YWS's fault with the format and whatnot, but if you were to go and put an extra line break between your paragraphs, this would be so much easier to read. As is, it's like a huge wall of text and that can be tedious to read, especially on a computer screen. I can see where the breaks are supposed to be, but they're not there and so my eyeballs threaten to explode.
Thirdly: mirror description! Having your characters look in a mirror for the sole purpose of describing them is one of the deadly sins of writing. You're sticking it all in the reader's face right away, when it is usually better to ease into it a bit more. Here's a great article for getting started with spreading out character description a bit more and avoiding the deadly mirror.
And a quick question: How does her school uniform have a skull on it? Did she add that? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a "uniform" uniform? Does this ever get pointed out by her school administrators? Sorry, this just bugged me. If it were just her own clothes, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it specifically says "school uniform". They like those to all look the same.
Overall: I'm a little concerned about this, in that it is coming across a bit cliched. There are a million stories out there that start out nearly the same way. What is it that will make your story stand apart? What makes your character special? What would make us want to read your story instead of someone else's? Granted, this is just the beginning of something, but because it is the first thing people read, you need to show them that it is something they will want to read as opposed to something else. Make it stand apart, make it unique.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
~GryphonFledgling