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Title: Why Not. Chapter 2: Just A Regular Day part 2



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Tue Jun 29, 2010 6:59 am
tigs6969 says...



Chapter 2: Just A Regular Day part 2
Amy
Why did she run? All we wanted to do was congratulate her on dumping that cheating idiot! We don't even know if she knew about him and Pam Grier behind the canteen last week. Everyone says he worships her... my ass; he never stopped cheating on her... the devotion was an act but a very good one which had even me fooled for a bit.
Ah school life; nothing better.
I sit down in home room with Sam on my left and Greg on my right. Sam has such beautiful blond hair and down to her chest as well... Wish my hair grew that long and wasn't orange either. I sigh, which Mrs. Harriet, who has started the class, takes as a yawn.
“Am I boring you Miss Garfield?” She asks me in her strict, whip like, voice.
“I want some lasagne now,” Timothy Brigade says, which draws him a laugh from the class.
“No, miss,” I say, as the laughter dies down, “One doesn't always yawn when one is bored you know. One can be tired... I'm sure they taught you this at school when you were learning to be a teacher no?” this draws a round of ooooooooooooo.
“Well perhaps detention tonight with me and no going out with your boyfriend for one night will get you waking up earlier no?” She says in her sweetest voice; she is not a yeller thank God.
“She wasn't out with her boyfriend last night, I was!” Emily Rose decides to blurt out; drawing more laughter from the class.
“Well class,” Mrs. Harriet continues as if nothing happened. “Remember today is the big test so you are all to goto B building to be put into the right room for the exam.”
“You damn bastard,” I whisper into Michael's, who is sitting in front of me, ear, “saying you had to help your sister with the new baby last night. Yet you were out with Emily Rose. Ohhh I've kept your secrets buddy but now the whole school will know.”
“Look,” He whispers back, thinking of a good excuse, “It's not what you think; we were studying all night,” He says trying to sound convincing.
“Oh, is that what we are calling it now? Studying, huh?”
“We were, we really were. You can ask my sister if you want.”
“Yeah, how much did you bribe her with than?”
“Look,” Emily Rose cuts in, deciding to join the conversation. “he just doesn't like you anymore, ok? Get over it and start to realize what the whole school has known since the start of the year; he is mine and you are just trash.”
“Better than being gutter trash,” Samantha says in a yelling whisper.
“What did you call me?!” Emily Rose screams in a full out yell.
“You heard me, you bitch!” Samantha screams back.
“Miss Bryans, what did you say?!” Mrs Harriet joins the screaming which shocks the class.
“I called her a bitch, Mrs Harriet,” Samantha says simply.
“Well, its better than being a divorce child. They probably saw what they created with you and thought it best to break up in case they make another piece of shit!”
“What did you say?!” Mrs Harriet and Samantha exclaim.
Samantha starts crying and runs out of class.
“That was very uncalled-for, Miss Rose,” Mrs Harriet says. “I think detention for you and for Miss. Bryans tonight as well?” She says sweetly.
“But but but,” is all Emily Rose can say.
“Miss,” I start as I get up, “perhaps I should go after Samantha, try and calm her down?”
“Yes, Miss Garfield, you can go.”
Thank God! I jump over Emily Rose's outstretched leg and, quickly, leave the room.
“Ah, good, you got out,” I hear as soon as I close the classroom door.
“Yeah, that was good cry acting.”I say to Samantha who has two cigarettes out.
“Ah, just thank Emily Rose for her helpful comment. So to the carpark? They won't notice; don't forget all the teachers smoke there during lunch.”
“No, I told you; I'm not touching that stuff.”
“Fine, but come anyway so you can keep me company.” She says and starts walking to which I follow.
“So,” She starts, “What are you going to do about Emily Rose?”
“Oh, you'll see,” I reply without emotion but Sam knows I mean business.

Emily Rose
“So, how do you think you went?” Michael asks me as we walk out of the exam room, hand in hand.
“Oh I dunno, question 54 was very hard, wasn't it?” I tell him ashamed knowing that the question was actually easy.
“What? We went through it just this morning, how did you not remember?” he asks in a shocked voice.
“Ha! I was joking,” I say to him, tickling him, playfully.
He kisses me to stop.
“Whoa, what was that?” I ask, as it hits me.
“Well, I figured as everyone knows now why not do it in public?”
“Hey!” I exclaim, “I never thought of that, we should've done this ages ago!”
“But poor Amy, I'm really annoyed that you did it during class in front of everyone and now detention instead of going to Hyde Park tonight. How do you know your parents won't take this the wrong way and stop you from coming to the winter dance next week?”
“Oh!” I exclaim in shock, “Don't even think of that. There is no way they would... would they? No of course not. They better not. If they do, oh if they do.” I stand there saying to myself over and over trying to convince myself that my parents will be merciful. Wont they?
“Darling, just forget about it. Of course they will. Now please, during detention, be nice to Amy. Don't forget; she lost in this situation and we don't want another fight, especially not one that may bruise you're beautiful face,” He says kissing me again on the lips as a warm feeling sweeps over my body.
“Well, I better go,” I say, knowing that being late for detention wouldn't be the best way to begin detention. I kiss him goodbye and walk to detention with him still on my mind until I arrive at the detention room; just as I enter the room I crash to the ground, the wind knocked out of me.
“Get off me, now!” I scream as Samantha pins my shoulders to the ground while Amy starts scratching me.
“Get off me now dammit. Someone help!” I scream as I look around the room to see Sarah sitting at a table, laughing.
Luckily Mrs Harriet finally arrives and screams, for the second time in forever. “Get off her now or it'll be detention until the end of the year and through the holidays,” This causes them to finally get off me and sit down.
“You're gonna regret that big time,” I say to them, sweetly, as I sit down on the other side of the room.
“What was that?” Samantha screams at me.
“Girls! Shush now!” Mrs. Harriet says through clenched teeth as she marks some papers from todays test.
“You know what I mean,” I say back still sweetly.
“You wouldn't,” Amy says uncertainly.
“Try and see if I won't,” I say as I open my bag and pull out Frankenstein which I am reading for the fiftieth time.
“Yeah, you really wouldn't,” I hear from the table behind me.
“Yeah, Sarah. Please tell me why. Are you going to stop me?”
“Yeah maybe I will! Or maybe I'll do it myself,” Sarah says confidently. I was just joking but Sarah threatens everyday to do it and one day she will.
“So,” I say hoping to change the subject, “Why are you in detention tonight, Sarah?” This question takes Sarah off guard as she has not known me to take any interest in her.
“I didn't turn up for class,” She says, finally.
“Yeah, cause, you were hiding from us,” Amy says in an annoyed voice. “You know, we just wanted to congratulate you for dumping that bastard!”
“Why congratulate me? He treated me like a damn queen!” She says in a voice that hopes the subject changes.
“You really don't know do you?” Samantha says in disbelief.
“Know what?” Sarah asks, now interested.
The other 2 just turn away whispering and giggling.
“Ah fine,” I blurt out, “He was cheating on you with anyone he could! How could you not tell?”
“What?” Sarah says even more confused.
I don't know what else to say, so I go back to reading Frankenstein as we all just sit here in silence until the end of detention.

Samantha

“Thats it!” My mother starts on one of her usual rants where she tells me off.
“Mum,” I start, “Skip the lecture and just tell me the punishment.”
“Fine,” She says in a voice that meant business, “No going out after school, No Winter dance and.”
I stop her before she finishes
“Don't even consider saying no music,” I say as everyone knows that threatening to take away my music isn't smart.
“Fine, no Internet,” She says, knowing this will hurt me even more.
Just a normal day for me yep... Can't get any better.
Last edited by tigs6969 on Tue Jul 13, 2010 2:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:55 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey tigs. I am here yet again to review. :D

All we wanted to do was congratulate her on dumping that idiot!
Such a funny line! More sarcasm.

Everyone says he worships her... my ass; he never stopped cheating on her... the devotion was an act.
Another great line.

Ah school life; nothing better.
I told this in the previous review too that you need to put an exclamation sign after Ah or Oh.

Sam has such beautiful blond hair and down to her chest as well... Wish my hair grew that long and wasn't orange either.
Okay, so we girls always have these kind of dreams and wishes so elaborate more on it. Like how the hair can attract anyone and how she loves Sam's has. Then grammar wise, 'down to her chest' just didn't do for me. Do you mean long hair?

“Well perhaps detention tonight with me and no going out with your boyfriend for one night will get you waking up earlier, no?” She says in her sweetest voice; she is not a yeller. Thank God!


“Look,” He whispers back, thinking of a good excuse, “It's not what you think; we were studying all night,” He says, trying to sound convincing.


“Yeah, how much did you bribe her with than?”
I have noticed this earlier also that you put 'than', when you need to put 'then'. Than is used for comparisions. Like: She is taller than me.
So I hope you get my point. :)

Samantha starts crying and runs out of class.
This wasn't at al what I wanted to read. If she is crying then show us, not tell us. Something like: Her eyes started pouring out H2O. She started taking in deep breaths and ran oout of the class.
Just make something up. 8)

“Oh I dunno, question 54 was very hard, wasn't it?” I tell him ashamed knowing that the question was actually easy.


Won't they?
I just forgot to tell but I noticed earlier in the last chapter also that you were not putting up apostrophe. It is very important.
I know you know how to use it but just some help: Amy's blue wig.
She isn't going to come.

“You really don't know, do you?” Samantha says in disbelief.

“That's it!” My mother starts on one of her usual rants where she tells me off.
Here you missed an apostrophe. Thats is not a word. It is 'that is', which has been combined to form That's.

First of all I want to say ditto the same things I had said the other time. There were still many things the same as in grammar was they were the before.

One thing that gladly changed was that I found less mistakes concerning commas, which is a great improvement. Keep on improving. And then there is this thing about your story that I like very much. I like how the friends are so protective and caring for each other an dhow they step in for their friends. That's what I always look in for a friend and try to provide them with. This concept makes me read more of this novel.

Okay, so you still can do with a lot of editing and adding more things to it. Like, you can tell more about Sam's emotion on being called a divorce child and bad things by Emily. There should have been put a row of meotions there. i know we can explain the emotions better when the person itself is speaking but still you could have done something here. I was disappointed by that part. :?

Also, what about Emily? You never exactly told that how she looks-is she the cool types or the cutie ones? What? Also, you had to tell how exactly she feels about being in love with Michael, and how she resents detention. I don't know anything about her personality. I want to feel her when reading about her.

Then I left the apostrophe thing. I did explain it above and kindly make sure that you do put them properly from the next time. they are also important. Small things like these make a lot of difference and shows how good a person's grammar is. I hope I wasn't too harsh.

Good luck writing for the third chapter and I really do pray that it turns out more fun.

Till then Good Bye,

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Tue Jun 29, 2010 1:17 pm
tigs6969 says...



Hi, thanks for the second review, busy atm with writing chapter 3 so I may reply bigger tomorrow but so far I wish to comment on these 2
Shubhi wrote:.
Okay, so you still can do with a lot of editing and adding more things to it. Like, you can tell more about Sam's emotion on being called a divorce child and bad things by Emily. There should have been put a row of meotions there. i know we can explain the emotions better when the person itself is speaking but still you could have done something here. I was disappointed by that part.

But she was faking it.... Sam was completely faking the crying to get out of class... She doesn't care about the divorce... reread chapter 1 cause I edited it earlier today and she says it in her opening POV. Had she really been hurt by Emily Rose's comment.... she probably would've been expelled or arrested. Sam, who is based on me, as we will learn later on is a hard ass bitch you really don't wanna mess with! I should probably put it in there somewhere about each girl.
Oh and spoilers:
Spoiler! :
Emily Rose was in on it :P

See here is how it is
Sam: hard ass bitch
Emily rose: preppy drama queen...only wants what she wants thus she didn't see anything wrong with taking Michael from Amy.
Amy: Special... thats all I'm gonna say about her
Sarah: Rich chick, thus why she does what she does in chapter 3... Thus why giving up her. now, ex, wasn't anything cause she can dangle cash in front of any guy and he'd worship her

Shubhi wrote:Also, what about Emily? You never exactly told that how she looks-is she the cool types or the cutie ones? What? Also, you had to tell how exactly she feels about being in love with Michael, and how she resents detention. I don't know anything about her personality. I want to feel her when reading about her.

She gets described, as do all 4 girls, in Chapter 3. I sorta wrote hers on a whim cause I felt she needed to be introduced but tomorrow I will give her more personality in chapter 2.
Thanks for reading and reviwing
  





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Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:14 pm
*coco says...



So it looks like you've already got one great review. I agree with a lot of what she said, especially regarding the emotions and the plot. You need to go into how the character's are feeling - you already do a great job with personality so if you just add in some emotion and feeling it will be twice as great to read. Regarding the plot, there isn't anything happening that is really exciting me to read more - I do want to read more - it's just I think you need something really great to attract the readers, something to get them really fired up about the next chapter.

Anyway, hope this helps :D

*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕
  





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Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:19 am
tigs6969 says...



Thanks both for the reviews. I will make the proper adjustments in due time as right now chapter 3 is on my mind and I want to stick my attention on writing it out
  





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Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:30 am
tigs6969 says...



*coco wrote:it's just I think you need something really great to attract the readers, something to get them really fired up about the next chapter.


*coco

But the reader must be able to tell that the chapter is gonna be plain.
Than chapter 3 is where it all starts off! its very suspenseful at the start cause I don't tell you anything until the right moment :P
fun fun chapter to write :)
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:04 am
Prosithion says...



“Well, I better go,” I say, knowing that being late for detention wouldn't be the best way to begin detention. I kiss him goodbye and walk to detention with him still on my mind until I arrive at the detention room; just as I enter the room I crash to the ground, the wind knocked out of me.


You use detention too many times. Try cutting it down to one or two uses.

I mentioned this in the last review, but I'll repeat it here. All of the girls are really bitchy. They're one school shooting away from being full fledged sociopaths. I can't imagine that anyone in real life is this... psychotic?!

I'm getting confused between the characters. They're all dating each other's boyfriends, and they're all fighting with each other. I'm having a hard time keeping them straight.

The grammar was better on this one. Nothing really obvious jumped out at me.

the story is picking up a little more, which is good, but it's lacking in description. I'm having a hard time visualizing the surroundings. Try adding some more description in.

that's about it. I'll read more when you have it posted.

Cheers,
Pros
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

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