A/N: Just a little piece I had to do for English. It's based off this picture I found on DeviantArt (I think??? Ha ha, it's been a while). Any suggestions?
Beneath a Dying Tree
Surrounded by the smell of death,
Fetid and rotting, horribly pungent,
A fairy girl kneels beneath a dying tree,
Weeping quietly.
--
In her hands lies the skull of one lost
to her forever. She remembers the
Curly golden hair that used to frame his
Glowing eyes.
--
Quietly, she whispers through her tears,
"How can this be him? How can he be gone?"
She'd told him not to fight, but fight he did, and
All for nothing.
--
She's at the battlefield now, beneath a dying tree,
The skull feels cold and smooth, slick with tears,
It's almost as if he's crying too, she muses, but no,
He's dead.
--
She bites her lip and sets it down -- sets him down --
Inside his shallow grave, dug with her bare hands.
Carefully, so carefully, she covers him with dirt,
And leaves.
--
The moon continued to shine, and the wind
Continued to blow; the tree continued to die
And her heart continued to break, but she tried to
Move on, and did what he could not, and kept on
Living.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,707 Literary Works • 673,674 Reviews
Thanks, everyone!!!
@Davidmartin: your comment totally made my day!!!
@TheNewHero: I agree with Davidmartin on this; it's definitely an interesting idea. I'm itching to try writing it like that now! I, unfortunately, have a huge paper due which is taking up all my time (speaking of which, I probably should be working on that right now...) but when I finish it, I think I'll try it out! If it's decent, I promise to post it.
To 'TheNewHero' -
It's an interesting idea though I don't think it would work. The sight of a grieving woman is by nature much more heart rending than the sight of a man (Personally I'd imagine a man grieving, standing over the grave of his beloved after he had buried her)
Exquisite. That is all I can think of. It's perfect, I can't think of a flaw. The way the fourth line of each verse sort of summarised the feeling of the verse and the prolonged emotion of the final verse, a bit like 'Solitude' by Alexander Pope (my favorite poem
), except it is much sadder, somehow the imagery made me think of 'After Blenheim' by Robert Southey, tragic but unavoidable.
I especially loved the ending -
Beautiful!!
I really liked this piece but it felt a bit... empty. Just a suggestion: try swapping it around, boy crying instead? *Liked*
if i wish not to think rationally, i like the story in its form, the title is definitely catchy, and the darkness to it, my forte! so thumbs up to you!