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140,522 Literary Works • 673,294 Reviews
Hello tiggpanda145!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
I loved this poem and my favourite line was:
'Why does it matter?
We are cold creatures'
That line ^ is perfection well done, I think you should have put the line as 'People rush by,'
I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to young writers society!We're same age!
Overall, nice work well done!
~keep writing
Hi, Sparkle here to review!
To start off, I just want to say that this is a really impressive piece for an eleven-year-old. Most children at that age still think life is easy and happy, so this is a pretty deep piece for someone of that age.
I really like how the Sad Thing could really be anything, because it makes it very relatable for many different people. Everyone has their own 'Sad Thing' in their life. The way you made the Sad Thing so pitiable, especially toward the end of the poem, is excellent. The misery and pain of the Sad Thing is very touching. The emotion and pity you feel for the Sad Thing is very tangible in this poem.
This poem is a bit simple and shorter than I would have liked. I wish you had gone into more detail. You were only eleven when you wrote this, though, so I suppose the simplicity is to be expected.
I think it would be interesting to see what you could do with poem now that you are older. This is a good start, though! Keep writing!
Thank you-at last someone has taken into account that I was 11!!! And you're the first person to say that it is relatable because you don't know what the Sad Thing is! Yay!
Hey Tigg.Jordin with a review for yah, I ope it helps.
Well lets start with you punctuation you have a few to many periods and almost no commas I would replace about 75% of your periods with commas also you need a little bit more in the first stanza and maybe another comma in you last stanza.
Also you need to be more specific like why does it hobble and what is it even and maybe a few more like is this thing even an animal that we know of or like who are "We"? and why does it howl and cry.
Or maybe by the name of it and by the last word of the last line of the last stanza you mean like maybe its owner got sucked into a toilet or maybe its papy died or maybe something else etc.
Other than those problems this was pretty cool and well written it had a good kind of moral and you almost had some feeling in it like you had been in that position but then again ant we all in that position some time in out lives.
Keep writing I am sure you know that old saying "Practice make perfect" although your work hardly need that much perfection.
May god be with you.
~Jon~
hey i really liked this short poem of yours. it depicted the cruelty of humans very effectively. also, it described the pain effectively. although i liked the way you expressed your feelings, i couldnt understand what was it that you were referring to. first it seemed a person in pain, then an animal. i think that should have been made clear. another thing that i liked was the title of the poem and the fact that you kept repeating it in your poem at regular intervals. it gave a good effect to poem. the line:
"piercing their eyes into it"
i really liked this line because it stated that it's not that people are not looking at the creature. they are very much looking at it but do not care about it at all.
You have also expressed that the creature is very different which has landed it into this situation of ignorance. no one cares for it because it is different. i liked the way you described the misery. good work!!
cheers,
Shiksha
Thanks! I am basically trying to say that human's are cruel and anything that is slightly different is never really accepted or you could say somone in pain too. Then again I can't remember the exact things I had in mind-I wrote this 3 years ago!
well human's can be cruel...
This is interesting i really like it! i can't wait to read other things that you have posted!
I like this poem alot ! I am a little confused what it is about though . I want to say it is about how us humans are cruel. How we hurt others and not even know it. I like how you repeat sad thing in every stanza at the end. If I were you though I would take away "oh," in the last line . If you did it would help keep structure. I like how it's mysterious . I really love that part lol . You have great adjectives too
Keep up the good work. Try to do some reviews so you can write more . Msg me if you have any questions.
Hello, Sushi here.
I know that this applies in novel grammar, so I assume it also applies in poetry grammar. Semi-colons are only used when combining two independent clauses, or phrases that can be their own sentence. If you read each part separately, the second bit doesn't make sense when alone. Personally I think it would stand out better if it was its own line, but then you would have to adjust the other stanzas. (Maybe? Is that a rule?)Okay, so first with a good point. I liked how you ended each of your stanzas with "Sad Thing" and the last one with "Oh, Sad Thing". The last part gives it this sense if finality, that things have ended for this Sad Thing.
It may just be that I have no poetic heart, but this "so" that you added at the end of this line didn't make sense. It was like a way of abruptly stopping the wonderful flow of this piece.
I didn't really like how you didn't describe a single "Sad Thing", it nullifies any message you might have wanted to say. But I guess it also makes it a ton easier for the reader to understand the emotion you put into this, which I, personally, think if more important than a message. Overall this was a pretty nice poem, there could be more description and colorful words (not meaning curse words) but the emotion was well displayed. Good job!
Sushi
Thanks, I was only 11 when I wrote this so yeah-I could craft it to make it so much better now! Thank you for the feedback! Do you have any suggestions on how I could change 'Sad Thing' (nullifies message part)? I use a lot more description and have a much more ambitous vocabulary now but I thought I would start by submitting something that I had already done as in the UK it is late so yeah! Thank you!
That's great! I can't give you advice on how to improve, but since you're older than you were then I think you would be better at critiquing yourself than I would be. Good luck, and for eleven this was pretty well done with the emotion.