Drip, drop
Rain splattered on the earth
Making it muddy
Puddles formed
The rain grew harder and harder
Until it was pounding
Flashes of lightning were followed by roaring thunder
Lightning struck trees
Fire blazed through the forest
The rain died away
The fire did not stop
It climbed up hills
Soon,
The entire forest was engulfed with flames
Smoke filled the air
Light rain came and put out the growing, flickering fire
The puddles grew larger
They joined and formed a lake
Days,
Weeks,
Months,
Years passed
The lake had grown
Reed had grown
And soon,
The lake was home to many fish
Smoke came again
This time it was not from fire
Trucks approached the forest
Trees fell one by one
The forest now was a barren landscape
The trucks left
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, tiger!
So, I think that this has potential; maybe for the framework, maybe more for concept than anything else, but I think you can use this as a jumping board to start a nice piece.
Your imagery here doesn't allow us emotion or any breathing room, it is very tell, tell, tell. Try throwing in some figurative language. We know that it rained, but what did the rain remind you of? What did it feel like? What did it really affect? Insert a human aspect into this; I know that the contrast is between nature and man, but even personification would allow us to connect and relate with your poem more than we are able to now. Right now, as your poem is, it feels like you're doing more stage setting than anything else. If you were to expand this, let it breathe a little, maybe wander into different tones, different voices, different imagery, it could do that on its own. Give us something to grab onto in the poem, rather than some concept on the outside; the concept has been used, over and over again. Give us something new to clutch to while we revisit it, and it'll be strong.
Let me know if you have any questions or would like to talk more indepth about your piece; I'd be happy to.
Hi tigertiger,
This is barely a poem, limping along painfully by grabbing every single pseud-image and edge it can possibly get its hands on. Lightning, destruction, fire, lake, time, trucks.
You're trying to draw a contast between destruction by nature and man, and the opposite long-term effects they have. But the only thing you end up conveying is that the narrator has no clue what's going on, and most likely never will. This sad poem needs to be scrapped and replaced with something that evokes actual emotion instead of a shrug from the reader. I don't care about the minute details of how the fire moved, I care about how it connects with the larger world and the cyclic nature of the event compared to the "trucks". Right now, there's really nothing that separates them. Clearly draw a picture in your mind of the difference, and then put that into words - preferably with better images than "making it muddy".
Hope that helped,
Galerius
First of all, i like your detail. your peom gave me a vivid picture of what you are describing. I think i liked the last stanza the most.
) keep up the good work
)
I think in the begginning, the lines don't really flow. They don't exactly seem peotic, just unfinished sentences. I don't know if that was supose to be on purpose, but maybe think about it.
Great job so far
(oh and if you have time, can you check out and review my stuff? Thanks