Very interesting concept. I'm eager to review it.
Sitting on her chair at school, Phantyne twisted her untamable straw blonde hair into a ringlet. Couldn’t classes be a little bit more challenging? An unprecedented announcement broke her daydream session.
This doesn't seem filling as far as exposition goes. Maybe elaborate on what she's daydreaming of, and give us some insight into her character through that.
“All students are to come to the library for genetic testing. Because of a new scientific breakthrough, this is government mandated. No exceptions. Thankyou.” Students began to mill about, wondering why, but none of them seemed particularly suspicious. Did they have any idea how conspiratorial nationwide genetic testing is!
I'm asking the same question. Either these students are behaving uncharacteristically, or this just something they're used to in this world. In the case of the latter, why point out that it's suspicious? The reader is going to find out soon enough, no need to spoil it.
A military personnel escorted Phantyne’s class to the library where a ominous person waited for them in a white bodysuit. The military escort seized a person and took them to a chair. The person in the bodysuit plunged a long ominous needle in their arm, counted to ten, and removed the needle. A relieving green light flashed and the military escort took the next person. Soon it was Phantyne’s turn and the needle plunged into her arm. But the green light didn’t turn on.
Obviously, this an important enough part to be title-worthy, and yet it is only a fleeting part to the story. Try to expand this part and give it more emotion.
Phantyne awoke in a white room with no windows. She was cleitherophobic, a fear of being trapped, and xenophobic, fear of the unknown. Being trapped in a room without knowing why she was there was enough to send her into a raging panic attack. Phantyne was so distressed that she didn’t notice wings sprouting out of her back, growing fur, fingernails curling into claws and gaining a tail. After an hour or so of lividity, exhaustion took over and she collapsed to the floor panting. A woman in a formal outfit flanked by two guards came in. The guards gripped their weapons as the woman spoke.
This part feels the most out of character. The narration feels unnatural, and how does she not notice her transformation?
“Phantyne Thunderclaw, you have been tested positive for a genetic mutation that allows you to transform into a mythical creature that best represents your personality. Look at yourself and you will find that I speak the truth.”
We don't get any explanation as to why this happens, and this description just doesn't make sense. Genetic mutations aren't that specific.
The powerful form that was her salvation was now a prison more impossible to escape than the one she had fled. Ensnared in herself.
I think this is the main theme that you're trying to get at, but it isn't supported by anything else in the story.
Overall, you have a lot going on here. Government run genetic testing, seemingly magical powers, and escape from an ill-intentioned facility. However, you don't spend enough time to flesh out any of those. It just needs to be longer. Regardless, I quite enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!
Points: 4842
Reviews: 120
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