someone save me from all this terror
what has the world come to
that we are treated thus
how can we withstand the pain
where has the beauty of our younger days gone
it is no more
now replaced with grief and trials
will there ever be happiness again
on earth
someone help me
I want it all to stop
take me away, take me away
hide mine eyes from these black walls
blocking me in
trapping me forever in a world of utter darkness
how do I get out
I cannot see far
the way is blocked
somebody find me
I sit here crying
waiting for you
whoever you are
hopelessly awaiting your
eyes, your touch
take my searching hand
which gropes about in
this black hole of
nothingness
even light is trapped
here, in my world
I see nothing, feel nothing
as I turn the colour of my
surroundings
I slowly rot away
will you ever come for me?
tragedy
that is all I know
in this superflous life of complexity
what am I worth
in this mirage of
wonderfulness
that is nothing but
sorrow and pity
in the immense black abyss
of death and pain
how do we live
through it all
how do we bear just continuing on
numb
pretending like nothing is wrong
or do we live at all
but just bury it again
and move on
soon enough the pain at the
bottom fades
leaving room for more to
fall in on top of it
crush it down again
smother it
until it is no more than dust
black dust
no more than specks
on the heart
until it is overcome
and can no longer speak
or even live
buried in the depths of
pain
the ashes of sorrow
life is all agony and distress
hypochondriacal beings
wandering
o'er the face of the earth
like aliens
obseqious to the effects of death and pain
persecuted by ghastly beings, horrendous hallucinations,
phantasmagorias, and morose thoughts
everything hurts
masochistic beings pursue us
hungering after our agony
feeding off our anguish
we are like zombies
half dead men
stuffed men
morbid beings with tortured souls
we walk
marred and damaged
life beating down on us
abusing us
our vanquished souls
lie still
bruised and battered
torn apart
by life, sadistic and horrific
life is all misery and distress
grotesque images
haunt us by night
follow us by day
inject their misery
into our very souls
why
why is life so
visciously morbid
attacking us from every
side
like a snake
worming its way
into our mouths
corrupting us
with its vile leathery
tongue
slathering us
in malevolent
thoughts
slashing us
with its fiery whip
why is life so randomly
cruel
preying on us in no
specific way
without order
picking and choosing
who to
devour next
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
This could be great. As of now it's only good. First, the length, it's rediculous, for this type of tale emotion must be punchy and lasting, but delivered over time. It's like the dif between a morphine drip (what u have here) and getting punched in the heart with a syringe. This slow build suits the tone, but plays out it's welcome.
Also, in cutting, while I love choice lines j find just as many that I've heard used before or in better structure, pick the most powerful and memorable lines that best incapsulate your theme.
This is still a solid work, better than most emotional sad poems posted here, but has room for improvement and I'm sure you can manage. Good luck!
Hey tigershark!
At first I did like this poem. I think you've done a rally good job of expressing the emotion in it. The problem I had though is that there was no progressed. Nothing seemed very vivid to me except the sorrow, and after a while that was kind of drowned out.
The trouble with writing poems this long is that you do risk the possibility of dragging out little things. What I would recommend is either cutting it short, or introducing other themes to it. Maybe provide a bit more sensory and imagery to spice it up a bit.
On the positive, like I said you've done a very good job at expressing emotion, but nobody likes wallowing in sadness, and so this kind of meloncholy atmosphere is something that you don't really want your reader to have to endure.
Don't forget your punctuation, too!
Howdy there!
I think this is a very goo poem, and it is evident that your vocabulary range exceeds the norm so well done for that.
A also picked on your grammatical structure. There are two ways you could make this work.
Firstly, including no grammar what so ever bar a full stop at the end of the poem could work. This closes the poem, and lets the reader know that it's the end. Without a full stop the reader will expect more.
Secondly, add in grammar, so the reader knows where to pause, and like Skorpionne capitalize the beginning letter on every new line. This makes it clearer and easier for the reader.
This is very good language wise, you may want to look at your technical side though.
Otherwise, very well done!
Okay, grammar nitpicks first.
As a poet, I always capitalise the first word of every line. I know that some other poets don't do this, but they always capitalise a new sentence, or a new stanza. Either way, there should really be some capitalisation in there somewhere. You also need to add some punctuation at the end of some of your lines. Right now, your poem reads like a huge long sentence with no end, which is a pity, because this has the potential to be a fabulous poem.
You obviously have a wide vocabulary, and a very good way of putting things across to the reader. You just need to read over your poems, and work on your grammar.
Keep writing!