Can I be more pathetic? Like am really I’m doing this? I feel like a total stalker watching them but I can’t help it.
a/n: I'm trying to get rid of this story I'm sorry.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey Tigereyes! Love the avatar. I used to be a hard-core Winnie the Pooh fan.
So, this was an entertaining read! I like the conflict that the narrator's facing, knowing she's being pathetic and petty but doing it anyway. The ending is particularly painful; I felt myself gasping a little. Ouch. Poor girl.
As far as grammatical errors go, there were a few, and the previous reviewer caught a good number of them, so listen to her. Mainly, you were inconsistent with your dialogue. It might have been that you used double quotation marks ("___") to show actual speaking, and single quotation marks ('____') for thoughts, but it gets confusing. Also, here is a tutorial for Dialogue Punctuation. You're using periods where there should be commas, sometimes, so read over that to brush up.
You also leave out the occasional commas. Example:
If you read these sentences aloud, you'll see that those commas are necessary for the natural pause that would happen when they were spoken. Also, this sentence is in present tense, but your action is in past. The next sentence uses the verbs "shook" and "pulled", past. You're getting a little confused with your tense; here, as well:
"Still haven't" and "find" are present tense verbs amidst a past-tense story. Really, at this point, you could go either way with the tense, but you have to choose one-- half of the story is Blair's memory, which would have to be past tense to make sense. Personally, I'd probably write the scene of the window-stalking in present, just to contrast with her memories. But it's up to you.
Overall, while I thought this was very cute (in a painful, heartbroken sort of way, of course!) I think you could expand it a little more to include more of the Window Stalking. That's your title, that's your conflict, and it's intriguing-- but you spend half the story thinking back to something else entirely, and we don't get much of a glimpse into the present scene. When you're editing, consider adding something while she watches them instead of diving straight into the introspection. You could also add some more reaction to the break-up conversation at the end-- they're talking heads right now, no description or emotion to back them up or develop the scene.
Good story, though, and very effective last line! Keep writing, and PM me for anything.
~Evi
Hi, tigereyes! I really love your story. I swear, while I was reading it... I was about to cry, and when I read the lasts sentences... I was in shock
This is a really sad story... I like it!
Hmm... check this question
I feel like a total stalker watching them#FF0000 ">, but I can't help it.
They were near his car now. His back was to me#FF0000 ">, but I could easily read his movements.
Anyway#FF0000 ">, when we stayed at my house#FF0000 ">, we always ending up making out#FF0000 ">, which was great#FF0000 ">, but after a while even that gets old.
"I do too#FF0000 ">, but I want to do something." I remember moving closer to him and taking his hand in my own
How about if you write: "Okay... #FF0000 ">How about something else" or "Okay#FF0000 ">, how about something else?"
It would be nice if you describe how he said that... like : "No... Blair. I don't want to go out with you anymore. I've found someone else," he said peacefully, taking a step back away from me.
I don't think there's ever an easy way to tell someone that you're in love with their younger sister#FF0000 ">, but I think he did his best.
I think this guy was a J.E.R.K and her sister was (alksdjalksdgjsalkdgjasdl;kgjashoiu) <--- that's what I think of her, and I don't know exactly what it means! hahaha
kEeP wRitInG