Young Writers Society

Well Tyger eye ..... for this to just be a rough draft I liked it a lot. I wish that there was more elaboration on the parents but I am sure you wrote it like that to keep a reader wanting more. You turning out to b one of my favorite writers up here and I hope to read more from you. Oh one more thing I feel you could have done is describe the main Characters a little more. Tell us what Ashley, Luke, April....well April and Brandon I kind of made up in my head what they look like, lol but yea give a little description on the main's next time.

Well Tyger eye ..... for this to just be a rough draft I lked it a lot. I wish that there was more elaboration on the parents but I am sure you wrote it like that to keep a reader wanting more. You turning out to b one of my favorite writers up here and I hope to read more from you.

Wasn't bad for a rough draft. (My rough drafts are filled with glaring errors, projectile vomit of commas and double hyphens, and questionable syntax.)

I feel like you should build up the characters more before this scene happens. I'd like to know more about the background of these characters and what they've had to go through so far. Why their parents are the way they are, why they are the way they are. More world building, too.

As for CPS--there would have to be someone to call them in for an investigation. Probable cause and what not. Finding cause of "parental abuse" without the kids there is iffy. Maybe the kids are close to a neighbour that called after the neighbour saw a bruise on Luke or Ashley notably flinched when getting a pat on the back, etc. (Also decide on what kind of abuse? Maybe the mother is a bystander in all this, afraid to get in her husband's way. What is the father's motivation? Is he jealous of his kids? Is it self loathing that he's projecting? Is it more mental abuse or physical?) Seeing as they are still in highschool, maybe a teacher noticed something in their behaviour and anonymously sent them into a guidance counselor. In this type of situation I think they would have been sent to something like a crisis counselling.

CPS wouldn't tackle the mother to the ground if she wasn't threatening them, etc. I also think that it would be more interesting if the siblings had different mindsets instead of the "indifference" they both seem to have. Being abused by your parents really messes you up. You're not going to be indifferent to it. You're going to question yourself, you're going to think you aren't good enough, and to some degree you think you deserve it. But eventually you get up and get help (whether it be from counselling, friends you confide in, that nice neighbour from earlier), and you get better.

You do have me interested in where this will lead! So kudos! Good luck fleshing this out!

**I'd study Jimss' review because he makes a lot of good points.

Jimss here

How ya doin? I'm Jimss, and I'm a jack***. That about it.

So I'm gonna start with what I say every time: I'm here for your work, not for you. I want to make your work amazing, but I'm not here to make sure that every little piece of criticism is phrased in the nicest way possible. If I see something, I say it. I also like self-deprecating humor, so I'll see if I can slip one or two shots at myself.

1) Ok, I think the first reviewer mentioned this, but names. I can't tell you how confused I was, but I was confused. I attribute this to Ashley and April having similar names and not having their relationship to each other clearly defined.

2) “Well, maybe just one more drink,” April said.

My aunt is an alcoholic. Alcoholics don't think out loud, and this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. I recommend, "It can't hurt to hit one more bar before we leave, though. God, I need a drink." Something along those lines.

3) "When they pulled up into the yard, something was amiss. Two child protective services vans..."
Readers will likely infer something was amiss by the vans and the cop car. I would say cut that part out.

4) D*** those cops are wild. Most cops would at least ask the mother to come with them first. Have them ask, her throw a fit, and then they tackle her.

5) Parents don't go in the child services van, they go in the cop car.

6) The ending is emotional. I like.

Side note: The cops need a warrant, issued by a judge to enter a house, which means that the police would need to be able to prove the possibility of wrong-doing way before they searched the house. They can't just wander on in unless they have probable cause. See if there is a way you can mention that. Like maybe the father was using drugs and a neighbor saw, or a cop was on patrol saw signs of, let's say, meth production, and decided to investigate.

7) There are no scary agents working at child services. Most of the time, cops take the kids from crime scenes and then hand them over to protective services. Also, you need to mention that these kids have no next of kin. The government would be obligated to hand them over to their family before taking them to child services.

8 ) Cops can't find evidence of child abuse in a home without any kids currently in it. Drugs in the house are sufficient reason to arrest the parents.

9) On that note, if Ashley is eighteen, she would be getting arrested too. The cops would have enough probable cause to believe Ashley was at least somewhat involved with the drugs and if she is eighteen then she would be criminally liable. They, at the very least, would bring her in for questioning.

10) Unless Luke is a big dude, there is no way a grown ass man would need to force a sixteen-year-old to the ground. Also, police cannot arrest a minor for refusing to cooperate with child services. Child services are not officers of the court. They don't have the legal authority to order an arrest. Now, the police could stop him from leaving, but they can't arrest him without probable cause of wrong-doing, and since he is not interfering with a criminal investigation, he is not obstructing justice.

11) Miranda rights. Make sure to add them when the mother gets arrested.

Ok, if any of this seems harsh or super, super critical, I am very sorry. My parents are both attorneys, my grandad worked for child services, and I'm am currently studying political science and pre-law. I have a lot of experience that I hope will make your story super realistic that most people just wouldn't know about. That's my advice on how to make the scene very, very realistic.

And Jesus I am sorry I went off on a legal tangent there. My friends hate it when I do that.

I'll stop here before you want to kill me

Cheers,

The neighborhood jack***,

Jimss

Hi. So, I was carious to reviw your peice. Your idea about a story about kids who have been abused is a good one. First off, i'm saying everything as constructive criticism. I'm not intending to be harsh or anything at all.

Although I read the author's note, and understand thst it is a rough draft I am confused. Ashly and Luke, are they the kids or the parents? When I was reading this they seemed like the parents? Whichever they were, I would of liked something that indicated that they were. Like maby Luke had a backpack/sportaning equment/headphones etc....somthing to show that he is a teenager. If he was the parent, maby somthing to show that. Also, it would of been helpful to the reader to show us what they look like. We don't have any indication of that.

I also felt that your dialauge seemed 'off' and awkward. Asley/Luke's 'dialog' didn't feel natrual. If they were the parents it felt unbleavable. It's helpfull to understand your characters and know how they act. Think 'What would they say /react in this situation?" In general, how would somone react to their situation. An idea, too. The parents could be in denile when the CPS comes/they could be mulipitive/ 'think that they are doing the right thing' in some way. That's a thought. Also, the kids reactions, maby they react with spite or resenment. They could be submisive/calm/quiet out of fear (or maby that is their personlty.) Think about what they wouod do. I think, as the reader, you'll want to root for the kids more if they were quiet etc. Maby they are also sweet ect, dispite this. They have faced 'horrible things' but they (the characters) are delighful in the end. I think that it would make it more realistic/root for them/care about them more.

I think that the CPS wouldn't tackel them to the ground unless they were dangarus in some way, like they had a knife ect or some other wepon. Also, they woudn't talk about the abuse etc, out in the open. That would be interfearing with confidential issues, which are also legal. Also, it's just 'awkard'. I don't think that this is realistic.

I would suggest reading some books/internet serches or asking people on Nanowrimo about working with the CPS. This will make things realistic/ believable for your readers/characters. If anything, i'd make me invest in the story more. I'm sure that you could find somthing on Youtube about the CPS. Seriously, you can find out a lot of things from Youtube. And yes, the kids would be placed in foster families until they can find a loving home. Good job.

That's all I have. Thease were mearly suggestions. I am just trying to help. Im not intending any of this to be nasty. I look forward to reading more. Keep it up!