z

Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Sanguinem II

by tigeraye


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

“I’m not sleeping in another cave tonight,” Selene said.

“What’s the matter?” Michel sarcastically asked. “Afraid of getting your skin a bit dirty?”

“Oh, will you two please stop?” Bishop, the oldest of the three assassins asked. “Or else, I've got my two newest targets right here. Plagh!”

“I can’t do this!” Selene screeched. “I can’t live like this!”

This, unfortunately was what became of the lives of the three assassins. Three weeks earlier, they defied the leader of their organization when they benevolently refused to kill a child. Refusing a kill in an assassin’s line of work was considered the ultimate sin, an evil only repented by the death of the assassin.

“It’s not like I want to live in exile either,” Michel said. “Being hunted down by our coworkers. Not much of a way to live.”

***

Venus looked off her balcony to the most gorgeous night view; the sky a beautiful tint of purple, the full moon glowing vivaciously in the distance. “I hope our three friends are enjoying the night sky tonight,” she told Cale, her timid long-time lackey. “They won’t see any more.”

“Did you send Daisel after them?” he asked, so short that Venus had to look down at him to catch his sparkly gaze.

“Now, why would you ask that?” Venus said, shaking her head. “Are you questioning my authority as leader of the White Mask Society? The most ferocious and feared group of assassins in the world, that I happen to run?”

“N-no! I just wanted to know if you were sending him after the three! After all, it’s been three weeks and you haven-”

“Silence!” Venus yelled, lifting her pistol from her side, gripping it tightly as she pointed it towards Cale. “Step back. I don’t want your blood all over my nightgown.”

“Yes, boss,” Cale said. He made it four steps backwards before Venus pulled the trigger, her trusted lackey’s blood and brains exploding out into the night sky.

***

Selene sighed as her eyes watered at the sight of her locket, the picture of an adorable five-year-old in the center. “Oh yeah, Jeremy,” Michel said, hunched up close to her by the makeshift fire deep within the cave. “We’ll let you see your son again. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks, but I doubt it,” Selene said, slamming the locket shut. “They’ll probably just kill him. Or threaten him to lure me back home. But if he doesn’t get him, guess who gets custody?”

“Your ex-boyfriend you always talk about?” Bishop asked. “I thought he kicked the bucket ages ago.”

Selene shook her head. “Nope. He’s alive. And I’m sure he’s already got Jeremy. Probably wasting no time smacking him around in one of his drunken rampages. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but it seems like in regards to Jeremy, he was gonna be the one thing I never screwed up. He was gonna be the one thing that turned out ok. It seems like that’s just a fairytale now.”

***

Daisel looked off the cliffside and smirked, his long black hair fluttering in the cold Sanguinem winds. Selene, he said to himself. So beautiful. Such beauty can never be replaced. Those are the greatest kills. I can wait no longer to feel your blood drip from my fingernails.

He pulled a rope from his waistband and tossed it down the cliffside, before latching on and swiftly sliding down. A small dog appeared as he retracted his rope, curiously panting in front of the tall, pale figure.

Daisel quickly readied his assault rifle and fired it at the beagle, the dog dying with a whimper as the assassin smiled.

***

“Who do you think they’ll send after us?” Michel asked, stretching his arms out in front of the fire.

“My guess is Daisel,” Selene said, lying on the cold ground with her eyes lightly shut. “What fun it’ll be to see that psychopath again.”

“Hah! I was probably going to kill him myself if we hadn’t gone in hiding!” Bishop boasted.

“He is good at what he does, though,” Selene said. “We should best stay alert.”

“So, tell me, old Ironman,” Michel said. “Is that story true? About you and your grandson?”

Bishop winced, taking a deep breath and shutting his eyes before enjoying a slow, calm exhale. “Well if its story time, then yes. I killed my own grandson. And it’s the biggest regret I’ve ever had.”

“Guess it is story time,” Selene said, her eyes popping open. “Come on old man, what happened all those years ago?”

“You know how I got the name Old Ironman, right?” Bishop asked, scratching his long white beard. “Old Ironman. Never lost a kill. That was my legacy. In my younger age, it was my obsession. To be remembered. To be revered by all assassins to come. That’s when it happened. That’s when she happened.”

“Venus’s mother,” Michel and Selene said in unison.

“That’s right. The old boss. The one that used to be my boss. She ordered me to kill my own grandson. A test of some sort. To see if I wasn’t soft. To see if I’d do it. And I did. I killed my twenty-year-old grandson in exchange for preserving my legacy. What a fool I was. And what I wouldn’t do to get him back.”

***

Old Ironman, Daisel said to himself. They say when you hear he drew your name, best already dialed the funeral home. Hmph.

Wandering through the forest, Daisel drew his katana and swung it against the bark of a tree. The old oak tree crumbled with a loud crash that echoed throughout the entirety of Sanguinem.

A shriveled up old man, obsessed with his legacy. He makes me sick. And soon he dies.

***

“You know what’s funny?” Selene asked, turning her head towards Michel who was relaxing with his eyes shut, his arms crossed behind his head. “I’ve been trying to think lately when the last time Michel actually killed anyone was. Ever since we became partners, I don’t think you have. I don’t remember you ever killing anyone, Michel.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Michel said, quickly sitting up straight. “I’ve killed plenty of people before.”

“No you haven’t!” Selene yelled. “I bet you’ve never killed anyone? Have you? You’ve always made us do the killing!”

“Alright! Alright! Fine!” Michel said. “What does it matter now? N-no. I’ve never killed anyone before. Alright?”

“Who the what now?” Bishop asked. “How did you pass initiation? How did you even become an assassin if you’ve never killed anyone?”

“My father was an assassin before me,” Michel said. “And his father before him. They made me uphold the tradition, but killing has always disgusted me. So I’d come up with ways to avoid murder. Getting you guys to do it. Getting my father to do it. Getting my friends to do it for me. Getting anyone to kill except for me.”

The three assassins paused and shared deep, painful sighs. “So what about you, Selene?” Michel asked. “How did you become an assassin?”

“A mama has to pay the bills somehow,” Selene said with a shrug. “I’ve never been good at much else. Had to drop out of school at thirteen to help my parents work at the farm. Then it got destroyed in a wildfire, so I had to find something else to do. Bishop was an acquaintance of my dad, and taught me everything I know. How about you Bishop?”

“Can’t remember. Too old,” Bishop said.

“Come on now,” Michel said. “You have to remember.”

“Is anyone going to pay attention to that loud noise earlier?” Selene asked. “I’ve been thinking about it and I’m not sure. Maybe it isn’t safe to stay here.”

“You’re right,” a man said in a horrifying, maliciously baritone voice. “It wasn’t safe to stay here.”

Footsteps. Stomping footsteps, and out of the darkness appeared a tall man in a long black trench coat, his skin as pale as snow. He held a midnight black pistol in his right hand, grinning ear-to-ear as he pointed it towards the assassins.

“Don’t shoot, Daisel,” Bishop said, as the trio rose to their feet, drawing their own pistols from their waistbands. “You’re outnumbered.”

“Am I? Am I really outnumbered?” Daisel calmly asked. “Just look amongst yourselves.”

“Ngh!” Michel grunted, nervously firing his pistol once. A small silver bullet flew through the air, landing safely in Daisel’s palms.

The pale assassin smiled as he waved the bullet in his fingers. “I guess you’re still new the White Mask Society, Michel? You don’t really know just who I am, do you?”

Suddenly, a thunderous rumbling sound went off as blood spewed from Daisel’s entire body, splattering all over the cave as he fell to the ground with a thud.

To be continued...

Edits:

10/4/15: various changes thanks to help from GryphonInfante


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558 Reviews


Points: 1219
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Sun Oct 25, 2015 7:54 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hello, Tigeraye! It's Artemis28 here for some crucial reviews. Happy Review Day, by the way! :D

Okay, I didn't spot much until a little bit into the thing, which was good. I know Venus is the leader of the assassination thing, but... her lackey asked a question, she got a little mad, and suddenly she takes out her gun and shoots him. Wait a minute... even for a leader of an assassination group, that's way sudden. I think if you made her get angrier by the second and her lackey keep saying the wrong things, it would be a smoother change of emotion.

A nitpick right here. Normally, in formal books and all that, you spell out stuff like OK. So, right here, I would recommend you to do the same. At least, if you prefer to keep the abbreviation, capitalize it. It gives the piece a much neater feel.

"He was gonna be the one thing that turned out ok."

I really like the mystery at the end? It makes me wonder who killed Daisel. Was it Michel's bullet or what? I have no idea, but it's a good ending. :) I think you could've made the transitions a bit smoother, like when Selene was talking about the loud noise, right before Daisel entered. It's just suddenly, right in the middle of their talking. Overall, I think you could've written this five times better than you did, but I would still rate you an 8 out of 10. Good job and keep writing, Tigeraye!

-Artemis28




tigeraye says...


Thanks friend, you too :p All the Sanguinem stories I did were done in one sitting, and the third was done at 5 AM so I know they're not as well written as they could be, sorry x_x

Venus is just a sociopath, heheh. It doesn't take much provocation for her to do drastic things x_x



tigeraye says...


sorry if that came off as condescending or defensive, heheheh.



erilea says...


No, it was fine! You're welcome!



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Mon Oct 05, 2015 1:32 am
Storygirl95 wrote a review...



Oh my gosh, yes! The sequel has arrived! :D
I loved it again. I'm happy they're not just doomed to die.
SUCK IT, DAISEL. NOBODY LIKES YOU. DEAD. Or maybe not, I don't know.
Sorry. He's obviously a good character because I don't like him.
I can relate to Michel. Nobody has made me become an assassin, but I have chosen a job not in the family business. You have very relateable characters. I don't know if it's because I've read the previous one, but I'm really satisfied right now.
I had two quick things. You said, "“Now, why would you ask that?” Selene said, shaking her head." I think you meant Venus.
I do this ALL the time. It's just an accidental mistake I make because I'm thinking about all the characters at once.
Also, "a man said in a horrifying, maliciously baritone voice." There's nothing wrong with this per se, but I personally would have changed it to horrifying and malicious baritone voice. But that's really just a stylistic thing, so it's absolutely up to you. :)
If Daisel isn't dead, I wonder if I could get him to teach me to catch bullets. That'd be pretty handy. Probably not, considering he'd just want to kill me. You're mean, Daisel. :P
Anyway! I really happy you made a sequel. :)
Thanks for sharing with us, and keep writing!




tigeraye says...


Thanks, I'm really happy you liked it. I love the characters too, it makes it a ton of fun to write these stories. I didn't catch the Selene thing, no, she wasn't present so I'll fix that x_x



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Sun Oct 04, 2015 8:29 pm
GryphonInfante wrote a review...



Hello! This is my first review on this site. So, here we go:

Specific Critiques:

“What’s the matter?” Michel sarcastically asked. “Afraid of getting your skin dirty? Hah!”

I'm afraid that I don't get the intended joke here, especially if it's a reference to something about Selene herself. The word skin is italicized, so it definitely means something. Either way, the "Hah" at the end makes the whole sentence feel awkward and almost poorly written, like it was just pushed in there for the sake of writing a joke.

“Yes, boss,” Cale said. He made it four steps backwards before Venus pulled the trigger, her trusted lackey’s blood and brains exploding out into the night sky.

This isn't a grammatical issue but more of a character one. Venus shoots her lackies just for saying one criticism about her work? This would have made more sense if she goes through lackies like clock-work because she kills them for such a small thing, but you mentioned that he's been her lackey for a long time. That she trusts him. Surely she would trust him enough to let him criticize her every once and a while.

Daisel looked off the Cliffside and smirked, his long black hair fluttering in the cold Sanguinem winds. Selene, he said to himself. So beautiful. Such beauty can never be replaced. Those are the greatest kills. I can wait no longer to feel your blood drip from my fingernails.

Is the Cliffside the name of a cliff (or a place near a cliff) or is it a random cliff? If it's just an ordinary, nondescript cliff, then Cliffside should not be capitalized like it's a proper noun.

Syntax issue: "Those are the greatest kills." This sentence sounds awkward as it can refer to anything and not the specifics Daisel mentioned before: "beauty". I would recommend adding something like: "The beautiful ones make the best kills." It enhances the flow of your writing.

Wandering through the forest, Daisel drew his katana and swung it against the bark of a tree. The old oak tree crumbled with a loud crash that echoed throughout the entirety of Sanguinem.

Woah, woah! They have katanas along with pistols and rifles? Where in the world and what time period is this story in? Is the katana an actual katana or a katana-like sword? The reason I have so much outrage is because pistols and rifles are general weapons; you can find them in different models all over the world. Katanas were/are only made in Japan; it's a strictly Japanese weapon. If Japan existed in this world, then it would make a bit more sense, but I don't know a thing about this world other than the assassins here.

Suddenly, a thunderous rumbling sound went off as blood spewed from Daisel’s entire body, splattering all over the cave as he fell to the ground with a thud.

Where did he get shot? Do you literally mean Daisel was shot in every place in his body?


Overall Critiques:

You write "said" too much. Sure, you throw in an "asked" or "boasted" every once in a while, but try to use more dialogue tags, or try not to say "X said/asked/boasted" at all. Try putting in a sentence in between the dialogue more often.

You should put in more description. Right now this story is a very, very skinny person; it needs more meat. Try describing a person's facial expression, their actions, etc. in more detail.



I liked the stories you've written so far. I'll be sure to follow you more often to see what you're up to. :D




tigeraye says...


Thanks friend, and welcome. I wrote this in a few hours, so sorry it's not the most fleshed out story, haha. I'll try to describe the world of Sanguinem in a bit more detail in the next part.




cron
Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides