Hey there, Tigeraye,
The narrative of this poem is really accessible, and I find that pleasing. It describes an emotional situation where the narrator has kind of been watching from a distance, and feels guilt at that essential fact. It's especially heart-wrenching because the narrator gives a reason for this failing, and it's so simple: they were "too scared". To be too scared to give any help to a narrative that is clearly heart breaking -- the reader is simultaneously disgusted by and disappointed in the narrator, but also understanding, because fear is a powerful thing.
In terms of the actual construction of the poem, I feel like I would maybe like to see what it would look like without so much use of the "I" -- is there another way this narrative could be described without me needing to be so aware of the narrator from within his/her head? The last paragraph really needs the emotion from the speaker, but would it be less powerful if it were described in third person?
Or maybe it's just the simplicity of the language that makes this feel like a journal/diary rather than a sufficiently sophisticated description of a terrible situation. Could spending more thought on the sentence structure and word choice clean up the language and make it clean enough to enjoy?
I'm really not quite sure which of these techniques would work, but if you're interested you might try both.
Other than that, I enjoy the images of cigarettes in the ashes, the quicksand, and the idea of just finding this hope in one's own failing -- to be sad and hopeful for the rest of one's life.
I hope these thoughts are somewhat helpful to you! If you have questions/comments about my review, please PM me or reply here. Thanks for sharing, and good luck!
Hannah
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