If I close my eyes, really tight, sometimes I can imagine that I'm just like them, like all the people in the street. I would be wearing a coat, maybe yellow or pink, so that if I jumped in the puddles, I wouldn't get wet. Sometimes it rains, but I can pretend that I'm not getting wet, because I have an umbrella, a pink one, like the girls who walk by on Saturdays. I would rush by, just like they do, and pretend like I have somewhere important to go too. I can pretend to talk about grown up stuff, like schools and money, in a really posh voice, just like those grown up people do. If I try really hard, I can sometimes imagine that I'm like those school girls, in grey dresses and clean shirts. Some of them have blue hats, but the others have red ones. Sometimes I wish I had a hat, whatever colour. But I usually just have to pretend. It's not so bad really -pretending - not when you're as good at it as I am. It's gets easier with practice.
But then I open my eyes again, and I have to stop pretending. I have to stop pretending that I'm warm, because I'm cold, and it's raining, so my grey hoodie is getting wet. My jeans are wet too, but that's a good thing I guess, the rain might wash the dirt away. It's hard, the floor I mean. If I was Mayor, I would tell everyone to make the pavements softer, so more people can sit down on them. I would also say to the weather to be good more often, because I don't like it when it rains.
When it rains hard, I curl up into a ball. I can fit my legs into my hoodie now, didn't used to be able to, but maybe it's just my memory playing tricks. Sometimes it does that, plays tricks, I think it's a little game it plays. It's a bit like the game I play with the pigeons: I stay really still, like a statue, and they come closer and closer and closer. Then, when they're close enough, I try to catch some, just to keep as pets, but they're too fast, I don't think I'll ever catch one really.
Sometimes I get scared, just a little bit. It's when the day goes black, and people don't walk in the street so much, and the pigeons aren't here anymore, that I get scared. Sometimes I try to pretend, but that doesn't always work, the scared won't go away. So usually I lie down, and count all the cracks in the pavement. I go up to 7 and then have to start again, but I have to start again loads of times because there are loads of cracks. Sometimes that doesn't make the scared go away either, that's why I have red lines on my wrists that appear when the day isn't black anymore.
There are some good things, about living like I do I mean. People give you coins sometimes, when they're feeling kind I guess. And the coins are pretty. I have quite a collection now, I put them out in rows on the pavement in front of me, I can now count up to 7 three times with all the coins. But when people see the coins, they usually don't give me any more, so now I hide them in my pockets, or behind me, by the wall.
I like my coin collection, and I like pretending. But I don't like the rain. Maybe someday someone will give me one of those hats, red or blue - I don't mind, so that I don't feel the rain anymore. I wonder if that someone sometimes walks past me in the street, but then I think, if they were that someone, they would stop and give me that hat. If I were a person walking in the street, and I saw me on the floor, I would give me a hat, red or blue, I don't mind.
-----
There's a man coming towards me, he's one of those grown up ones. I haven't go the scared, but I haven't seen a lot of grown ups like him. Usually they're clean and walk different.
"Hello," He is saying.
"He-" It's hard to get the noises out of my mouth, I haven't practiced recently.
"Have you been here a while?" He is asking. I nod, I guess it has been a while.
"Mind if I sit?" He is sitting next to me. I haven't got the scared, but I have something else, I don't know what to call it.
"What's this?" He is asking, pointing at my coin collection, piled up neatly behind my back.
"My-" cough "My...coin collection" I stutter. I looked at his face, It was young, only just a little more aged than me, I don't think he's a grown up any more. He looked like it from far away, but from up close, I bet he could tuck his legs into his hoodie too. His eyes are suddenly widening, and he starts fumbling in his pockets.
"I...I have one too!" He says, and out pours a rush of little copper coins. He makes me laugh. It's a nice feeling - laughing. They are very beautiful, but I wouldn't want to take the coins from him.
"You... you can add them to yours if you want," he is suggesting, pushing the pile tentatively towards me.
"Tha- Thank you," I scoop up the coins, and add start adding them to my piles, I count five more times 7 when he interrupts me.
"I know 2 more numbers, if it helps?" he is asking. I cock my head to one side. 2 more numbers?
"After 7, its 8 and then 9." he says. Showing me with the coins.
We count some more coins, and then we count some more cracks in the pavement. I don't have the scared, but now I'm sure, I have this other thing, this thing that feels warm and soft inside my chest.
After that, he shows me how to count the stars. It's a weird word, but I like it. They're the bright things at the top of the darkness, and they're loads of them, that's why they're so hard to count. I can only get to 5 before I loose track.
After a while he leaves, but he promises to come back and count some more stars with me. He even promises to find me a hat, a red one for him and a blue one for me.
---
I wait. 1st night. 1st coin.
---
I wait. 2nd night. 2nd coin.
---
I wait. 3rd night. 3rd coin.
---
I wait. 4th night. 4th coin.
---
I wait. 5th night. 5th coin.
---
I wait. 6th night. 6th coin.
---
I wait. Last night. Last coin.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,735 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hi there ticktock123! Happy Review Day! I'm glad that it's brought me to your story.
I didn't really know what to expect when I started reading but I must admit that I was happily surprised. At first, I was a little bored but then I realized that there is, in fact, some sort of depth to your story. Unfortunately, I don't know if the other reviewer picked up on what you were really going for, but I hope I've hit the nail on the head for this one!
You've approached the idea of homelessness in a very unique way, but a different way. Rarely does one read a short story from the perspective of a homeless person and, not only are you exploring homelessness in general, but you've also smoothly and fluidly explored something that is related to the fact of being homeless: being mentally ill. At least, this is how I understood your short story and through this lens, you've got a lot of potential. If, however, you meant for the homeless protagonist to be a child, the concept makes less sense. I much prefer the idea of a a homeless person who is not quite there in the brain. It goes much deeper and holds a much more important and relevant message.
At first, I was a little annoyed with how you began the story. I felt that it rambled on for a bit and some things seemed a little far out of irrelevant. For example, the girls with pink umbrellas on Saturdays had me a little confused. Why on Saturdays specifically? I don't think it's something terribly crucial to the plot of your story, but it pops out just enough that the reader might be wondering about it. It might be good to alter this a bit so it's conceptually not as awkward. Either way, if the opening paragraph was more concise and less rambling, its initial impression might not be one of annoyance for the reader, but one of intrigue, because it is something that is crucial to your main character – the whole pretending facade.
About your character: you do an amazing job with the voice throughout this short story. I'm impressed. You've successfully personalized the first person narration so that it actually functions to also characterize the protagonist even more. Kudos to you!
One thing I would suggest you work on is verb tenses. Tense issues were especially noticeable when the MC and the man were talking. It would jump from present to past which is not fun. Furthermore, using dialogue tags like "He is asking" and "He is saying" really interrupts the flow of narration. I suggest you go with "He asks" and "He says" instead. You do write that later, but it's very important to be consistent.
I would finally suggest that you literally write out the numbers instead of the symbol. Generally, in prose, it is much better form to write "seven" instead of "7" because it is visually more appealing and visually does not upset flow. This also applies to "sixth" instead of "6th" and so on.
I didn't really understand the resolution to your story. Because it's all very short, I would have liked to have read more about the man and your MC interacting. I think that would have been fun and I really enjoyed the perspective you were giving us. Your resolution seemed very vague and rather abrupt! I didn't understand the meaning behind it. It would be nice if you fleshed things out a bit more and then maybe the reader would be able to read the meaning behind the ending a bit better.
Overall, an interesting read. I hope my comments helped and I'd totally be into reading a revised piece, if you get onto it.
Best,
Lav
Hi ticktock123, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.
Story: This story set up is a fairly new one for me, but interesting none the less. The way you keep the coins in the picture is a really lovely thing in the story and keeps me interested, well more interested. The ending was really sweet and sort of sad.
Characters: Man I really feel sorry for the little girl. She seems really sweet, but neglected. I have so many questions about her. Why is she one the street, does she have a home and if not how is she eating. The other character in the story was the young man, who's name I didn't catch. He seems like a really nice character and I wise I had gotten a bit more of a description about him, other than that though the characters are pretty good. Your dialogue is also really good and you present your characters emotions really well.
Description: I would say that description is your strongest point by far. Through out this story you kept giving me interesting descriptions with out over doing it or giving to little. The only thing I would recommend it to use some more vivid colours like you use the word red, why not use crimson or rose. Anyway that is the only thing I would change.
Small problems: (I haven't go the scared) You left out the (t) on the end of (go).
(I don't think he's a grown up any more.) (anymore) is one word.
Over all a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Greetings
This was an amazing story. The continual return to the coins is fantastic. And the way that you captured the mindset of a young child is perfect.
I have only one issue. I don't really know what is happening. Who is this main character? Why is he on the street? What brought him there? There is so much I don't know about the character and yet I find myself liking him all the same. I would love to know more.
The ending confused me too though. "Last night. Last coin." Did the character die? Or did he simply not have any more coins to count with? Did the person every come back? I really want to know. This ending drops off with a cliff hanger that is a little to much. While leaving things ambiguous can be perfect for an ending, I don't think you hit it quite right on this one.
You did a great job with your descriptions and the way that you showed a small amount of friendship blooming between the two as they talked about their coins.
Thank you for sharing. Looking forward to seeing more.
Happy Writing!
Hi! Thank you so much for your review! It was really useful. Yeah, completely agree with you about the ambiguity thing, I should have probably made it clearer and I also get what you said about the ending. Thanks for the feedback!
I think this is very intriguing and would love to keep reading more of it. The tone and style of writing is absolutely fascinating. I'm new to this website and this is a very good first impression of what it will entail. Keep writing excellent pieces like this; your audience will grow tenfold.
Thank you so much! I really really appreciate what you said.