"Yes Miss Audrey" I replied to the register, I was number 10 after Jack and Harry, the twins.
"Have you done the reading I set you?" She asked, leaning forward over her grey desk. Today she wore black nail polish, the same colour as her skirt, her glasses and her hair. I think she liked black.
"Yes Miss Audrey" I replied, I had read the entire book, although she had only set me 2 chapters, of course, I never told her that or she would call me a bad girl - again.
Mummy had plaited my hair this morning, she didn't usually, I think it was because it was one of her good mornings. I liked my hair in plats, because almost all the other girls had them like that, and if you wore them, you could play with them at break.
"Did you parents sign your reading diary?" She questioned, her nails going thud thud on the desk.
"Um...." I mumbled, fumbling in my bag. I had asked Mummy to sign it - I was sure! Thud thud. She was in the kitchen when I asked her to do the squiggly thing at the bottom of the page, thud thud, but she was drinking from the bottle of stuff that makes her go really tired or crazy. Thud thud. Maybe it made her forget to put it back in my bag as well, but no matter how quickly I sifted through my books, the reading diary wasn't there. Thud thud.
"I think I left it at home Miss Audrey" I mumbled, scrunching my plaid skirt underneath the table up in my hands.
"Amelie! I have told you time and time again to speak up! Girls who mumble end up on the streets!" She boomed, her sharp voice bounced off the walls of the classroom.
"I think I left it at home, Miss Audrey," I repeated.
" This is the third time this week you bad girl! I'm going to have to ring home because this is unacceptable."
-
I didn't really feel like joining in with the girls at play, so I stayed in and read a book. It was called "James and the Giant Peach". It was a bit stupid. Everyone knows centipedes don't talk, and giant peaches don't exist, even in fairy-tales. So when I finished reading it, I decided to go and tell Miss Audrey not to let people in the school read it, since it was such a confusing book. Maybe then she would see that I'm not a bad girl.
-
"What did you just say?" She spat in my face, leaning over the desk so far that I could smell the same thing that I smelt on mummy after she had put one of those long, brown sticks in her mouth where fog comes out of it.
"That this isn't a very good story, and that if people read it they'll get confused, because it isn't real, so people shouldn't read it" I said, showing her the book.
"You are a stupid and insolent child! Don't you ever, ever talk so impertinently again to me. You listen to me now girl, and you listen well. This book, is a perfectly good book, and if you get confused by it, it's because you can't read, and girls who can't read end up on the streets. Now go outside." She shouted.
-
I remember the long word she used, like "impertinent" and "insolent" because I'm good at remembering words, but when I got home, I also remembered what she said about my reading, so I didn't read that night. Or the next night. Or the next. Instead I wrote; sometimes stories, sometimes poems, but I made sure they weren't stupid, like James and the Giant Peach, so that people like me who couldn't read, didn't get confused by my stories. I left them hanging round, not a home of course, but at school, or on the roads, or on one of the desks at the library. I hoped some day, someone would read it and tell me my story wasn't stupid. But as I became older, I grew tired of copying out my stories by hand over and over again, so I stopped. And decided that I probably couldn't write either.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi.
I'm not an advocate of beginning stories with dialogue: dialogue is overused as an opening and it doesn't really establish a context for the reader to relate to. It works if it successfully establishes intrigue, but most of the time it's just entirely too vague and out-of-place to snag the reader's attention. We don't know who Miss Audrey is, we're not aware of the setting or the main character, and, overall, it just creates a lot of disinterest. Fiddle with this beginning, maybe? If you want to keep the dialogue, perhaps start with a situation that leads to immediate information--the prerequisites for a good story like setting and scene.
On setting: It took a while for me to realise that this was a school setting, mostly because the narrator appears to assume that the reader knows where the piece is set. Sometimes, it can be hard to interweave description and setting where first-person is concerned, but it's also kind of necessary if you don't want the entirety of your story to be up-in-air. If you don't allow for your character to interact with her surroundings and describe her situation, it's hard for your reader to understand her world. Bring in some sensory description. Colour your world.
Also, the narrator jumped from idea to idea and there was a lot of disconnect--how is the MC's being a 'bad girl' in any way connected to her mother putting her hair in braids? The pacing is too fast, the scenes flitting by too quickly for us to really understand the character--no matter how young she is, she is as much of a person as an adult may be, and her internal monologue should reflect this fact--that she is more than a 2D human being--too.
Right now, I really feel like the lack of a plot isn't helping this story. It doesn't have a clearly visible story arc, with a distinctive beginning, middle and end. All in all, it feels like a version of Matilda but with a terrible teacher and tons less character development--please excuse my bluntness here. Because the novel seems largely character-driven as opposed to plot-driven, I'd suggest working on bringing your characters more to life. I'm sure you can do this if you go a little slower with the story! The ending feels a little incomplete so maybe work on that, too? I'd really like the chance to get to know Amelie better.
In grammarstuff: dialogue. You need commas wherever dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag. (A dialogue tag is a phrase that establishes who the speaker is, like 'he said', 'she said/called/screamed', etc.) Also, whenever a certain person is being addressed, a comma needs to be placed before their name. That would mean 'Yes Miss Audrey' ought to be 'Yes, Miss Audrey'.
Also, dialogue tags do not require capitalisation, seeing as they are not sentences on their own.
Take a look at this.
Keep writing! Keep it up!
~Pomp c:
Hi there,
I was instantly intrigued by the title of this piece, and was not disappointed! There is a bitterness about the story which I really liked; the contrast between the innocence and unknowing of childhood, colliding with the darker, more cynical side of adulthood.
You got into the head of a younger child really well, and I feel that this increased the melancholy of the piece dramatically.
Improvements. As with nearly all pieces, there are some small errors. However, I wouldn't want anything changed about the story itself, or the character.
Overall, a very likeable piece. Keep on writing!
AsYetUntitled
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed reading it.
Tick tock
Hola ticktock123 =) FallWolf here with a short review for u!
First off, this is a really good story with a deeper meaning than what meets the eye. The title is great, and it caught my attention immediately. All in all, this is an intriguing story and a good read. Of course, like all stories, there are some places that could be a bit better =)
"Today she had black nail polish, it was the same colour as her skirt, her glasses and her hair." I think you meant to say, "Today she had on black nail polish, the same color as her skirt, her glasses and her hair."
"Platted" and "Plats" are misused, I think you meant plaited and plait?
"I didn't really feel like playing with the girls at play..." this sentence could use some revising. Instead of using "play" two times in the same sentence, maybe you could say "recess" or some other synonym instead of the second "play"
Other than that, this is a very good story =) Can't wait to read more works by you, don't stop writing!
Hi FallWolf!
)
Thank you so much for the great review - I really appreciate the feedback. Yes, I will change the nail polish bit and the plait bit (I did mean plaits...
Thank you!
Tick tock
Greetings stranger! Holographic Ladybuug here with a review for you!
~Good Bits~
The story you've told has a very good beginning, middle, and end. You've done the whole 'display character traits' thing very well. (Starts to clap) That amounts to a lot in a story and you've done it very well. Especially the naïve-ness of the main character.
~Other Bits~
'"Yes Miss Audrey"' (Both times)
There should be a comma after the line.
'"Did you parents sign your reading diary?" She questioned, her nails going thud thud on the desk. '
'She' should be a lower-case word.
'She was in the kitchen when I asked her to do the squiggly thing at the bottom of the page, thud thud, but she was drinking from the bottle of stuff that makes her go really tired or crazy.'
Is this liquor?! (Starts to laugh a little.)
'"I think I left it at home Miss Audrey" I mumbled, scrunching my plaid skirt underneath the table up in my hands.'
There should be a comma after the line.
'Girls who mumble end up on the streets!" She boomed, her sharp voice bounced off the walls of the classroom. '
'She' should be a lowercase word.
'"What did you just say?" she spat in my face,'
For exclamatory reasons, the teacher's line should also have a exclamation mark. Probably.
'"That this isn't a very good story, and that if people read it they'll get confused, because it isn't real, so people shouldn't read it" I said, showing her the book.'
There should be a comma after the person's line.
'...it's because you can't read, and girls who can't read, end up on the streets. Now go outside." She shouted.'
Three things here:
1. There probably shouldn't be a comma after 'girls who can't read'.
2. There should be a comma at the end of the line.
3. 'She' should be a lowercase word.
That's it from me!
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug~
Thank you so much for your review! It will help so much with the editing! Thank you and I'm glad you liked it!
Tick tock
Any time.