I remember when we first discovered it. It was the last day of term - we were breaking up for our Christmas holidays, and Viv and I were taking the usual route back home. The snow had begun to fall thick and powdery; my shoes were already soaked through but I guess that’s why we wanted to chase the Red Robin in the first place. It was perched on Mrs Audrey’s letter box, a startling contrast to the white blanket all around, just a street before ours. But as we came near it hopped down and bounced away – leaving little footprints in the snow. So we followed him, down Blossom Hill and past the old Post Office. And that’s when we saw it: The Warehouse.
Nobody ever ventured this far downtown, because nobody lived here in the first place. It was the perfect hideout. Although abandoned, it wasn’t empty. The top of its rusty shelves were lined with thousands of broken blue bottles marked “brake fluid” that towered up, almost reaching the dilapidated ceiling that let in shafts of light from the patches that had crumbled to dust long ago. There were no windows left, if they had once existed, they were now boarded up with rotting wood. The floor consisted of dusty planks, roughly nailed together, in between of the piles of rubble dispersed around. But for three years, it was our palace. We came here every day after school. Sometimes bringing books, watching movies on our iPads or just talking for hours on end, in this dark, safe haven. We used tell each other our wildest dreams, and this one time, we both swore that one day, we would rebuild this warehouse into a giant mansion, we could both live in when we were older.
They were crazy dreams-that never happened. All because of one stupid mistake.
It was our last year of high school-we were both dropping out because we’d turned 16 so we’d agreed to meet in the warehouse after school for a little celebration. I arrived with a few cans of Coke, bags of crisps, and I’d even managed to sneak some of my brother’s Marlboro Lights past mum for us to try. But Viv had a slightly different idea of what a celebration consisted of. She arrived 2 minutes later, and I distinctly remember the casual way she was holding an old radio she’d found in one arm, and two bottles of vodka in the other. I winced – getting drunk hadn’t exactly been on that summer’s “to do” list.
“Come on Lizzy! What’s a celebration without something to get to our heads? Nice work with the cigarettes though, come on, I’ll show you how to light one,” she offered, and so we smoked a few of them (well, I took one puff and let her get through the rest of the packet) and we drank, and snacked, and drank some more-a lot more I guess. It was about 10:30 when it happened. I was slightly tipsy, but Viv was way gone.
“Hey Lizzy….. Let’s do something crazy… ‘coz I’m bored…sooooo bored…” She slurred, dancing around with the bottle of vodka sloshing in her hand.
“Viv you're drunk. Come on, let’s just go home.” I replied exasperated and tired, but getting up, I wasn’t so steady on my feet either.
“I know!” Viv suddenly exclaimed. “I know exactly what to do….”
And she began methodically emptying her school bag of books, and piling them up on the floor in 3 neat piles. Then she started unloading my bag, but I still hadn’t caught on.
“Viv! What on earth are you doing?” I questioned incredulously.
“This is our last day of school Lizzy! Our last day ever, let’s remember tonight. I want to go out with a bang! Here, hold this,” She asked-strangely focused for someone way past their alcohol intake. She handed me a lid-again I didn’t exactly register what lid it was, until my eyes fell on the lighter in her hands.
“Viv no!” I burst out, panic taking hold of me. But it was too late. As if in slow motion, I saw her hand deftly flick the lighter on, then the small red flame moving in the dark and suddenly spreading as it made contact with the pile of books. They went up in seconds. But it didn’t stop there, the flames spread to the wooden floorboards and if I hadn’t suddenly grabbed Viv and shoved her out of the way, her shoes would have been next.
“Lizzy, look!” She was completely transfixed. It was as if she had never seen a fire before. But I couldn’t watch-it was too dangerous, we had to get out of here.
“Viv let’s go! Come on!” I urged, grabbing her hand and trying to drag her out. But she stood rock still. I couldn’t stay-I had to go. Sprinting to the open door, the cold air was a rush of relief. But I couldn’t leave her there-not Viv. I turned back and suddenly, I noticed her eyes were not fixed to the floor anymore-but straight up. I froze. This couldn’t be happening. But I was wrong, and as I turned around, I saw the flames had engulfed the entire bottom half of the shelf. They were snaking their way up and up… 4th shelf, 5th shelf… 6th shelf… and to my horror, I realised the next shelf was loaded with the “Brake Fluid” bottles - the flammable ones. Up and up they went-until suddenly – boom. Everything exploded. Viv, the shelves, our warehouse. Everything.
I remember lying there, amid the ashes for hours that night. Murmuring the same sentence over and over again;
“She wanted to go out with a bang.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Opening
Good opening. Let the first line stand on it's own. The opening is like an appetizer. Let it stand on it's own and don't put it too close or too far from the main course or you will leave your readers starving or full. You want them to keep saying, "I'll just read one more word." That's how you make them read all night.
Formatting
You need to space out your paragraphs. Let each paragraph be it's own topic and story. The big blocks of text really scare me away from reading it all the way through. It's not just how well the writing is that matters, it's how it looks on the page as well.
Pacing
The pacing is good throughout the story. I would recommending adding two more paragraphs between the 2nd paragraph and the 3rd line. You need to develop these characters. There's a clear backstory to them that you're not giving us. Two girls who hide out in the abandoned part of town and plan to celebrate dropping out at 16 have a reason for doing so. You owe it to the reader to show us why. How you do so will maximize your ending making it pyrrhic or victorious.
You also need to show how they met to give a stronger ending. By showing how the two met and then showing this mid point you maximize the narrative of the story and its end.
Editing
"Although abandoned, it wasn’t empty. The top of its rusty shelves were lined with thousands of broken blue bottles marked “brake fluid” that towered up,
This line needs some work. I see what you're going for but it's not clear and as tasty to the mind as it could be. I recommend something opposite such as saying the building was empy yet full. It puzzles the mind but piques our interest. We want to know what it is full of give us more details. These girls have spent hours here. They probably seen every nook and cranny of the place. Even better that total knowledge of the place give the ending that much more "oomph" since only alcohol cause the ending to happen since they knew the place top to bottom.
Also you've got two maladjusted teens and yet neither of them say the F-word? It's just not believable. The F-word or what ever profanity you prefer is the symbol of dejected and misunderstood youth at this age. Throw it in their in a tasteful way to elevate your story(can't believe I just said that.)
Ending
I like the ending but you can improve it. No one would believe that she would be there for hours. A fire like would be responded to within 12-15 minutes. Either she hid or she was carried away by the emergency responders. Either way you need to make the ending more believable but keep that ending line. It's gold.
Loved the story. Take the review with a grain of salt as I known to go overboard when it comes to critiquing
Hi! So I might repeat on some of the errors, but I saw the description and I was hooked. Good job! So don't mind if repeat on anything.
"It was perched on Mrs Audrey's..." You forgot the period after 'Mrs'.
There might have been more, but I didn't see them, I was so into this story. Wow! I loved and it gave a really good message. The language that you used was well put in and it flowed with the sorry. Plus, I'm American, and it was interesting to see some vocabulary that I guessing is British, very interesting.
This is a great story and has a good theme that young people can definitely learn from. And it did have this quality that's made people incapable of putting it down.
Please follow me so that I can read more pieces of yours, and I would very much appreciate it if you would think about reading and reviewing any of my work. Thank you for this delightful story.
- B.E. Writer
Hi!
Thank you so much for your review! Yeah, you were right. I'm British so I guess the language is slightly different. What do you mean period? I don't exactly understand what you were trying to say...
I'm really glad you liked the story! The feedback helps a lot. Yeah I'll definitely review some of your works. Thank you so much for the review!!!
Tick tock
By period I meant the dot after Mrs. You just put Mrs
My, my; I didn't see this coming. O_O
What a wonderful work, ticktock123! I was stunned by the plot of this story, and the action-packed events that take place in it. It is vivid, it is incredible, and the ending, in particular, stuns and horrifies me. After all, here is the friendly, amicable student who has been such a character of focus throughout the story, and here she becomes drunk and decides that she wants to 'go out with a bang,' murdering herself by accident in a horrible fire and wounding the MC. What's not stunning about that? Beyond that, the rest story is equally fascinating, and you do a nice job of leading the reader from one event to next. The beginning is captivating and eye-catching, particularly when you describe the interior of the warehouse and the purpose that it serves for the couple who decides to reside, at least partly, within it over the course of three years. It was a fun introduction, and I came to appreciate and treasure the MC and her companion immensely. The same can be said for the rest of your story, such as their final meeting, Viv's getting drunk, and the fire, all of which are communicated wonderfully and leave the reader curious to read more. Therefore, when it comes the plot and flow of the story, I am impressed. Great job!
Furthermore, the same can be said for the emotions and of the story's ability to be related to. In the beginning of the story, we see two young people who manage to follow a robin through the town and find a large warehouse full of flammable brake fluid. And then they decide that they want to make the place their hangout, and visit it over the space of three years. It can be said, therefore, the emotions in this part of the short story are powerful, especially when relating to the feelings that the MC and her friend have for each other. They respect each other, care for each other, and make the place their area to chat and have fun in this little hangout, coming up with elaborate hopes and dreams and aspiring to stay together. Even the emotions later in the story, when they meet together, smoke and drink, the MC is concerned for the health of her friend, and when she even saves Viv's life the first time (although, tragically, is unable to do it again), are intense and leave a strong impression in the reader's mind. In all, this story is, overall, about the relationship between two friends. Many people can relate to this relationship, and they can understand the hangout and the way that they are friendly to each other, and so this story is relatable in the eyes of a lot of your readers, which is wonderful. They can appreciate the emotions in this story, relate to their plights, and learn to more treasure the story as a whole. The emotions, too, are powerful, and stun the reader at the end of the story. As such, it can also be said that this story is excellent when it comes to its emotions and its connection to its readers.
In conclusion, I like this story. It is detailed, it is thoughtful, and it is surprising. It was fun to read from start to finish, and, while I did notice a few grammar/spelling errors, they did not interfere with the flow of the story significantly. I would like to point out a small inconsistency - at the beginning of the story, when the narrator describes the warehouse, she highlights that there are tons of brake fluid bottles lined high up in the building. However, at the end of the story, the narrator states that only one of the shelves in the building - the 7th, actually contains any of the brake fluid bottles. It's a little contradictory, and, as a suggestion, I'd like you to be a little more specific on the location of the brake fluid bottles. Do they tower up? Are they at a specific location? For the sake of clarity and improving the reader's understanding of the story, I'd like this story to be a little more clear on the matter. Nonetheless, I loved this story. Great job!
Hi SilverFox!
Thank you so much for your review!!! I am so glad you liked my story-and it was great to hear your feedback! It helps so much. Its good to know that the beginning got you hooked - I didn't want it to get boring.
And I'm happy you found it relatable, I love writing scenes in which the complexity of the relationships between people comes through. Thank you!
Yes! I hadn't realised about the brake fluid thing but I completely agree with you. I've changed it so my description fits the plot. Thank you for pointing it out. Thanks!
Tick tock
Hello, steampowered here for a review! I really liked the story, your writing style and the concept, so I’m afraid this is going to be largely focused on the nitpicks…
I feel like these first two clauses shouldn’t be joined with a comma and that a full stop would be better after “The snow had begun to fall thick and powdery”.
Bounced, not bounce.
When writing fiction I advise writing numbers out as words, but that’s just me.
These two lines had a huge amount of impact, but I feel like they should have formed a separate paragraph to create more of an effect.
Since you mean Coca-Cola which is a brand name, I would capitalise this. Otherwise the reader might get confused and think you’re talking about a different kind of coke.
Speech tags shouldn’t be capitalised. The correct way to write this would be:
“Your” indicates possession, like “your car”. The correct word here is “you’re” because it’s a shortened form of “you are”.
This is just me, but I personally found the overload of exclamation marks a little grating. I’d probably replace some of these with full stops and leave the exclamation mark for the last sentence.
Don’t you mean brake fluid, rather than break fluid?
Other than that, I thought it was really good! I liked the characters – the reckless Viv and the more cautious Lizzy, and the ending was sad yet almost inevitable. I feel like the reader shouldn’t have been left hanging so much at the end – did Viv survive? (I’m assuming she didn’t but we don’t know…) Was Lizzy injured at all? Did those injuries shape the rest of her life? Keep writing, and I’d love to read more of your future work!
Hi!
Thank you so much for your review! The things you pointed out help so much when editing it so I really appreciate it. I think I agree with you on most of your points-so I have changed the story slightly accordingly.
I'm glad you liked the story! And that the character's personalities came through to you like that-its what I had intended them to be. About the ending-I guess I just wanted to leave it to the reader's interpretation. Although I have changed it slightly for it to read "Everything exploded. Viv, the shelves, the warehouse. Everything." Just to make it slightly more obvious that Viv didn't survive. Thank you so much!
Tick tock
I really like it, though it was kind of dark and made me sad. I would have added more characterisation and getting to know them, but otherwise it was good
Thank you!!!! I'm glad you liked it.
Tick tock