Published May 19, 2009
My heart shatters with three simple words.
My world breaks apart with three simple syllables.
My life falls before my eyes as he turns his back.
My dreams fall from the sky as he walks away.
Three simple words make me fall to my knees.
Three simple syllables make me see
“I hate you.”
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,726 Reviews
Hey Thunder! A (belated) welcome to YWS.
This poem is heartbreakingingly sweet, I think. I really like how when I saw the title, I figured the three words would be "I love you" and then was surprised; was that on purpose?
However, while the length itself is totally not a bad thing - actually, I like it short - I agree that it's a little too repetitive. Repetition can be a great tool, but in something this short, it's not so much a tool as it is slapping the readers in the face. Over and over again. It's all three simple words/syllables and my and that gets a bit boring. I'd rather see some variation or better, some nice images to wrap my head around.
Also - don't take offensive because I'm sure it wasn't meant this way - it seems a bit selfish. It's all my world and my dreams and...et cetera. What about this he? What must he be feeling? Especially as the speaker here cares for him. I think this would be fixed if there was less repetition of 'my' and more specificity (what happened?).
Anyway, there's my two cents: feel free to follow or ignore! And good luck!
-Mars
Hello!
Ok, there really isn’t that much to review, but I do have a few comments.
First of all, I think you used “three simple” too much. Try replacing some of them.
(You also use “fall” two times in a row.)
Also, this is a little bit cliché. We’ve all heard of it before. Why don’t you try telling us a little more? Why does the person hate her? What was their relationship?
Right now this is very short, so we don’t have a lot to sink our teeth into. I suggest you make it longer.
Anyway, that’s about it. I like the ending. Very nice.
So long,
-Y