Young Writers Society

Hi thundereagle!

I believe this will be a rather short review, considering this is a rather short piece, so without further ado, let's jump right in.

The first thing that catches my eye is the huge block of words. It's a bit of a turn off for any reviewer, and sometimes difficult to read through. I suggest you break it up in smaller paragraphs, for the sake of clarity and such.

The second note I made was lack of setting. Where is this at? What's 'the capital'? (As a quick note, I have no idea what ADFA is and how much it pertains to the story. Apologies if I get something horribly wrong here). :0

When I began reading this, I was in for a bit of a surprise. It's purely description. The whole thing. You're describing the house, the yard, the deck, the shed, etc. It's a lot of description thrown right at us, and I'll have to say it's too much. You're listing it all, without any room for the characters, plot, emotions, or anything. We don't have any clue what's going on, what's the point of this story, but we do know what everything looks like.

I'm actually currently reading a book on descriptions and setting, and the author states sensory description and details is a wonderful way to begin your novel. (Especially for beginner writers). And she gives wonderful examples, too. But in each case, the descriptions (which are very sensory) never drag on too long. They provide enough details to place us just where we need to be, feeling what the author is saying; tasting, smelling, and hearing our surroundings, but they are always quick to introduce the main character. Because too much description/details is tiring.

Some of your descriptions are just delicious, however. (Yes, I just said delicious). Like this:

Stale wood smoke and burnt oil make the place smell like a shady casino.

A felt poster of dragons colored in with highlighters hangs on the wall next to a fold out poster of a teenage Emma Watson as Hermione.

Long strands of hardened candle wax wind their way off the shelves and down the walls.

Hiya! I'm not great with introductions so let's jump right in.
I don't have a lot of time, and this passage is pretty short, so I'll just write a short review with, like, one or two pointers in it.
First off, I hope you do continue this story! The descriptions are great and there are a lot of ways I can think of where this setting would make an interesting base of operations for a story.
I only really have one complaint with this and that's the pacing of it. It's not a huge problem, just something that could use a little touching up. The sentences are super long for most of the passage, and it makes it a little awkward to read.
Pacing is a pretty easy fix though, just make your sentences a little shorter and add commas where they're needed.
Ok, I lied. There is another I'm just now realizing, again, not a big deal, but it was something. The fact that this whole passage is one huge block of text is a little intimidating to look at. It's not a hard fix, again, just a suggestion.
That's all the time I have, for now, hope I helped a little bit!
-Trashcan