Pretenses

by threm.
  • March 20, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Pretenses.

[A poetry]

Even if you kiss me, it won't feel so right.
Even if you hug me, it won't be too tight
Even if you hit me, I won't start a fight
I won't let the wound you caused me, damage my mind

Even if you pull me down,
I will still try to touch the sky
I won't be the one who wears a frown,
nor the one who heaves a sigh.

You always told me you love me,
yet your heart was never mine
I know you'll never look at me lovingly,
So whats the point if I try?

And when you said that bittersweet goodbye,
I told myself that I wouldn't let you see me cry.
Since I lost half of me because of this so-called 'you and I'
I promise myself that baby, I'll cry for the last time.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
KnightlyAngel09
Review
KnightlyAngel09 wrote a review · Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:00 pm

threm. wrote:Pretenses.

[A poetry]

Even if you kiss me, it won't feel so right. (This is just a suggestion but 'it wouldn't feel right' sounds better)
Even if you hug me, it won't be too tight(it won't be too tight isn't a very spectacular line here. this destroys the beginning of your poem)
Even if you hit me, I won't start a fight
I won't let the wound you caused me, damage my mind

Even if you pull me down,
I will still try to touch the sky
I won't be the one who wears a frown,
nor the one who heaves a sigh.

You always told me you love me, (LOVED me would be better unless your meant this in present tense)
yet your heart was never mine
I know you'll never look at me lovingly,
So whats the point if I try?

And when you said that bittersweet goodbye,
I told myself that I wouldn't let you see me cry.
Since I lost half of me because of this so-called 'you and I'
I promise myself that baby, I'll cry for the last time.


Rhyme and rhythm is off. There are some lines that aren't really working for the impact of this poem. Although, over all, this poem had a powerful voice to it.
Keep writing.:)

--Knightly

User avatar
darko.demark666
Review
darko.demark666 wrote a review · Sat Mar 21, 2009 12:19 pm

threm. wrote:Pretenses.

[A poetry]

Even if you kiss me, it won't feel so right.
Even if you hug me, it won't be too tight. How can you possibly know that?
Even if you hit me, I won't start a fight,
I won't let the wound you caused me TO damage my mind.

Even if you pull me down,
I will still try to touch the sky.
I won't be the one who wears a frown[s],[/s]
nor the one who heaves a sigh. Rhyme doesn't work.

You always told me you love me,
yet your heart was never mine.
I know you'll never look at me lovingly,
So whats the point if I try?

And when you said that bittersweet goodbye,
I told myself that I wouldn't let you see me cry.
Since I lost half of me because of this so-called 'you and I'
I promise myself that baby, I'll cry for the last time.


You really have issues with the rhyme here. I also corrected your punctuation. This was a quality read.

5/10



i could be a morning person if morning happened around noon.
— Fern