The Good One- Chapter One

by thewriterinside

Published November 23, 2015

16+ Violence Mature Content

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Chapter One

“You’re staring again.” Will sighed.
“I can’t help it.” I muttered. “I just feel so…frumpy.” My stool from behind the desk at the bookstore had the perfect view to fuel my jealousy; I could see girls milling in and out of the salon across the street, carrying fat bags with tiny dogs in them. Everything they wore was name brand and everywhere they went sparkled with their presence. And I, well, I was less well manicured and put together than the Barbies and aspiring models that pranced through the salon. I was a shabby, awkward, unkempt bookstore clerk who spent more time reading than anything else. My nails were bitten and I had no idea how to keep up with fashion.
“Shelli, you’re not frumpy.” Will said, planting a kiss on my cheek. “I think you’re cute.”
“Cute? Just cute? That’s the best you can do?” I whined, sounding less sarcastic than I intended to. “I don’t just want to be cute. I want to be sexy. I want to turn heads when I walk in the door.”
“You turned my head when you walked into the ice cream shop.” He took my hands in both of his, closing them into a warm cocoon. “Tell me the story again.” Will always did this; whenever I was being overly-whiny, he would ask me to tell him a story.
“Well, I was in the ice cream shop down the road from my house…”
“Talking to Anna.” He interrupted.
“Talking to Anna, yes. She had just gone through a bad breakup and needed some girl time.” I let the memory wash over me, glad for the distraction.
“Jared had cheated on her.”
“Do you want to tell this story?” I teased, poking his nose. He scrunched up his face and then took my hand and pressed my fingers to his lips, kissing it sweetly. Will was always doing sweet things like that; it made it hard for me to be in a bad mood.
“My apologies, ma’am.” He playfully answered in a southern drawl, tipping his imaginary hat. I giggled.
“Cart is getting full in the mystery section.” Tiffany, my coworker said as she walked past me, her arms full of books. I knew that she was jealous of mine and Will’s relationship. She was struggling with a nasty divorce that left her in a shabby apartment with almost no money, as well as the right to see her children only twice a week. She had gone through her three different phases in the past two months: her eating phase, where she gained a ton of weight from all the low-fat chocolate chunk ice cream, her mopey phase, where she spent her days wallowing in self-pity and crying into the latest issue of Cosmo. Her latest phase was her self-help phase. Two days ago I saw her devouring a copy of Your Best You in the break room. I grabbed Will’s hand, dragging him into the mystery section. He spun me in a silly little circle, making me laugh.
“Tiffany’s gonna flip if I don’t get this done.” I whispered between giggles as we waltzed around the aisle. I hated to ruin the moment, but making her angry was not a good idea.
“Let her. She’s always upset, anyway. Continue our story.” I smoothed his hair back lovingly, resting my hand on his cheek. His lips brushed my palm. “So Jared cheated on Anna and then you two went out to drown your sorrows.” Anna had been my best friend since third grade. We had met when she was being bullied by some kid who thought her pigtails were weird, and I accidentally on purpose hit him in the head with a basketball.
“Right. And she wouldn’t stop sobbing.” I continued. “Like, she was a real mess. So, I go to the counter to get my ice cream. And I order my double chocolate fudge scoop with gummy bears on top.” I started to organize the cart alphabetically as I talked. The act of organizing was calming to me. Organizing books at this point was almost robotic.
“Because you’re a weirdo.” He snorted. He hated gummy bears.
“You mispronounced brilliant. Anyway, I order my ice cream and the lady hands it to me, and I turn around to go and console my hysterical friend. And guess who I bump into?”
Will tapped his chin thoughtfully.
“Harry Connick Jr?” He knew that I had had a crush on him since the beginning of time.
“No, I wish. Then he and I would’ve gotten married and lived happily ever after.” I pretended to swoon dreamily as I gathered a pile of books and began shelving.
“Yeah, sorry about that. I guess you’re stuck with me.”
“I can live with that. Anyway, I turn around and I bump right into you! And of course my ice cream gets all over your sweater, that nice blue one that your nana knitted for you.” I smiled at the memory. “And you were such a good sport; you just laughed it off and said…oh, what did you say?”
“I said, ‘If you didn’t like this sweater, you could’ve just said so.”
“That’s right. Luckily you were wearing a shirt underneath.”
“You just wanted to see my muscles.” He flexed his bicep, wiggling his eyebrows at me.
“Move. I need that section.” I rolled my eyes, swatting him in the stomach with a book. He moved out of my way, putting his hands up in mock surrender. “So then, after many awkward apologies, you offered to buy me another cone. Which I eventually accepted.” I didn’t really care to remember what had happened next. Will had sat down with Anna and I, and she assumed I had brought Will for her. So while he was so smitten with me, she was laying it on thick with him. Of course, she had been her usual friendly and charming self, but Anna was seriously disappointed when he asked me out instead of her.
“And the rest is history.” He smirked.
“And the rest is history.” I repeated as he swept me into another waltz.

Comments & reviews · 4
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hyperview
Review
hyperview wrote a review Review · Nov 29, 2015

Hey, thewriterinside!

This is a pretty cute story you got here. I'm usually not one for romance so I was hoping for some sort of fantasy element in this, but since this is only the first chapter, I'm assuming fantasy will come in a little later (though I'm not sure how, but that's the beauty of it, right?) You've got a good grip on your characters so far, but I honestly feel you had a lot of room to develop them more. This is a pretty short first chapter, so don't be afraid to use more space developing your characters so they seem more three-dimensional rather than static. Don't get me wrong; you're on the right track with it. But you could add so much more. :P

The story Shelli was talking about was cute, and I really liked the way you made Will interrupt her at times to show that he's heard this story a thousand times, but is still eager to hear it again. The only thing that threw me off from it is the little explanations you put after some of the dialogue, like "Anna had been my best friend since third grade" sort of thing. I feel like you having to explain things each time sort of pulls the reader out of the story rather than immersing them in it, you know?
I'd advise executing it a little differently. Maybe make the story sound like a fairytale, that way you can explain these things within the dialogue rather than out of it. For example, instead of telling me "Anna was my best friend," say, "there was a girl who had a best friend named Anna." (That sentence isn't that great, I know, but I hope you get the gist of it). This way, readers aren't pulled from the story each time you have to explain something but are rather immersed in it, and by the time you get to the end, they'll be able to infer that this story is about Shelli and Will.

Lastly, I'd keep watch of those dialogue tags you've got going on. Most of them are in proper format, which you've done well on, but some of them are incorrect. For example:

“Talking to Anna.” He interrupted.


Interrupted is your tag in here, and therefore actually needs to be tagged to the dialogue in order for it to be complete. It's incorrect right now since 'he interrupted' isn't a complete sentence. So, the sentence should really be like this:

"Talking to Anna," he interrupted.

And really, if we're going on with this sentence, you don't really need to say 'he interrupted' since we already know he interrupted her, you know? So you could just say "talking to Anna" and then continue with Shelli's dialogue.

(if you need me to explain this concept more, let me know. I don't think I did it justice here).

Other than that, I did enjoy the story even though I didn't get my fantasy part yet :P If you need me to clarify anything, please let me know. I wish you luck with the story, and have a good day/night!

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KimmyM Comment
KimmyM commented Comment · Nov 25, 2015

this was so cute! Makes me want a relationship more than I usual do. Keep up the great work!

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KimmyM Comment
KimmyM commented Comment · Nov 25, 2015

this was so cute! Makes me want a relationship more than I usual do. Keep up the great work!

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aaboo17
Review
aaboo17 wrote a review Review · Nov 24, 2015

I love stories like these. Cute couple romance, reminds me of my boyfriend. Anyways, the story paints a picture the your readers mind, which is what you want. I could picture Shelli hitting Will with the book or them talking about how they met. I honestly can't wait until you post more of the story!!!!
I don't see anything wrong with what you've got so far. No grammar mistakes. It's all spaced out correctly.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. Keep on writing!
-aaboo17 :)



I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief