Published July 26, 2007
Hope you enjoy! And please comment, criticize, etc.!!!
~Revelations~
Walking through the cemetery, eyes closed. I don’t
want to see it. He
pushes, mom, make it stop. Who is he? His face, covered and hidden
from view. Where
are you, mom? Can’t you
hear me? I
fall to the ground. Please, don’t
let them do this to me, I’m too young, so
young! I open my eyes and see the
clear, crisp markings on it, cool and hard
beneath my fingers. Mom, why are you crying? I’m right
here, mom, can’t you see me, why don’t you look at me? I turn and read:
My name.
My birthday.
Today’s date.
My body.
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141,478 Literary Works • 674,502 Reviews
Alright, I am not really used to the whole "constructive criticism" thing. This is kind of vague, that is for sure. But at the same time, the idea is excellent! Your heart is definetly in the right place.
Hum.
I'm not sure what to say. I guess it interested me, but only with the fact that I guessed what was happening, because I didn't get it, and my guess interested me.
But otherwise the poem didn't do much for me. My suggestions over all? Read more poetry, study it. Brad suggested someone specific. I'd go with that, and everything else you could get your hands on.
Hi.
There is nothing in this short set of airy musings that will interest any experienced reader of poetry. For example, the first few lines of the poem are logically incongruent with the rest. The remainder of the lines are a set of doggerled abstractions that take the reader nowhere.
I think it's likely that you are over your head with this poetry business. You may want to check out Robert Pinsky, et. al. for some restructuring of your ideas.
Best of luck,
Brad
The double spacing and arbitrary line breaks doesn't really do it for me. It's choppy and hard to follow.
What's the focus of the poem? Who is "he" and how is he significant? At first I thought he was interacting (by way of pushing) the mother, but now I'm not so sure?
The two lines contradict each other. At one point, the mother's unable to be seen- then she suddenly is?
The poem is so vague that it's confusing.