Published July 24, 2007
JK Rowling was definitely writing that epilogue so people would write fanfics!!! So now I'm just responding to that...it's really bad because I wrote it during class when I was bored but anyway...critiques are welcome and invited...enjoy!
Rosie watched as her parents disappeared from view in the leftover smoke of the Hogwarts Express. Although she felt rather lonely in the emptiness of her compartment and scared of being so far from her home, Rosie was excited for the magic and adventures awaiting her at Hogwarts.
“May I join you?”
Rosie jumped, having been lost in thought, her focus on the landscapes emerging out the window. She turned to see a pale boy her age, tall and thin, his fine light-brown hair almost covering his intense blue eyes.
“If you wish,” Rosie said casually, though inside her heart pounded wildly; she had always been strange and shy and had never found friends in her Muggle school who could accept her for her unique magical abilities. The boy sat down across from her and took his wand out from its hidden place within his newly-made robes, twirling it in his fingers. When he noticed Rosie watching him, he hastily shoved the stick back into his robes, blushed slightly, and looked away.
“What? Do I have somethin’ on my face?” the boy asked, rubbing around his face gingerly. Rosie rolled her eyes and looked away.
“Who are you anyway?” the boy asked, furrowing his brows.
“Rosie,” Rosie said, still not looking at him. “You’re the Malfoy boy, right? Smith or something?” the boy nodded, his eyes still on her face. “I’m not supposed to talk to you, so if you would please…”
“Why not?” the boy asked defensively, “I won’t hurt you! How can you know you don’t like me when you don’t even know my name?!” The boy ran his fingers through his hair, which quickly took its original neat form on top of his head after contact. “It’s Scorpio; does no one know my name?! I’m not my father, you now,” he added quickly, hoping to reassure her.
“Please, I shouldn’t be—”
“But you are, aren’t you?” Scorpio interjected quickly. “Come now, your dad may not like me because I’m a Malfoy, but your mum isn’t like that, is she? And besides, our dads aren’t here now, are they?”
“I guess not…”
“Good,” Scorpio said quickly, “Have you thought about which house you’ll be in? I’m guessing you want to be in Gryffindor like your mum and dad—”
“Cousin! There you are!” Albus exclaimed entering the cabin, happy at having discovered a friendly face, though freezing at the sight of Scorpio. “Who’re you?”
Scorpio looked up serenely at him, relief expressed in his eyes at not having been called “Draco Malfoy’s son” or “the Malfoy boy” as he usually was at the cost of his father’s celebrity at having been Harry Potter’s enemy in their Hogwarts years.
“Al, this is Scorpio Malfo, Draco’s son,” Rosie said before Scorpio could get a word in. Scorpio blushed furiously, looking out the window so as to hide his flushed face from Albus.
“Oh. Alright,” Albus said casually, sitting down beside Rosie. Rosie’s eyes widened at Albus in disbelief of her cousin’s ignorance that Scorpio was his father’s enemy, grandson of the hated Death Eater Lucius Malfoy. Scorpio composed himself and smiled over at Albus.
“D’you reckon we’ll be in the same House, erm…what’s your name?” Scorpio asked, his face still lightly blotched with color.
“Albus Severus Potter,” Albus said with a grin, “Dunno ‘bout you, mate, but I want to be in Gryffindor.” Scorpio just stared for a moment; Potter’s son, son of “The Boy Who Lived”, who defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort. He forced his eyes off this boy who so resembled his hero father except for, of course, the lightning-shaped scar Albus’ father Harry bore as a symbol of the loss he had experienced soon after his first birthday from Lord Voldemort as well as a symbol of he who had saved the wizarding world from the evil of Voldemort and his famous Death Eaters. Awkward silence passed through the compartment. Scorpio pulled out the new September edition of Quiddich Today and pretended to be reading.
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140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
heythere, this is the first time that i am seeing your work cause i am new. i love harry potter and doing this story with the epilogue was brilliant. please write what else happens. look for these though :
- firstly, scorpio is scorpious
- secondly, no offense but this chapter seems unfinished and toooo short to be a chapter.
- thirdly now, is supposed to be know
a few other mistakes but since you were writing it in the class you may have felt distracted. anyway keep writing i want to see where this story goes.
Err.
I'm not sure about this.
Whr's it going?
Careful, you repeat yourself.
And..
Rosie wouldn't show her magic to muggles, so she wouldnt be unaccpted for that reason..??
I like it so far, but there isn't much plot yet. You said that this wasn't even a whole chapter. Does that mean you are planning on writing more?
Hi,
Reading this made me feel sad, since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was the last book. No offense but I hate when people write other endings for stories. I do agree though that J.K didn't write a enough for the ending though. i think the reason being so other people can write endings but it makes me upset because we don't know what J.K would have written. Also a point on this...
“Cousin! There you are!” Albus exclaimed entering the cabin
I think it's kind of weird how he said "Cousin" instead of just saying her name. Not many people do that, and I'm sorry if that offends you, but this is just my personal view
I thought that was excellent..i loved how Albus seemed to calm about draco's son, and i thought the description of rose was really thoughful:), Are you going to continue with it?
It's quite good! JK Rowlibng finished Deathly Hallows far too quickly, so I'm suprised there isn't anymore fanfics...
It's good, except... more description would be quite nice
Maybe try finding random objects and write a long decription about them... that's what gets me into the descriptive mood.
I liked this very much, but i do not like the use of "Rosie" repeatedly in the beginning few paragraphs. The plot was original, but not bad in the way you described it, and i really can't wait to read more.
This would be a pretty good piece. You just need to get more descriptive words and get rid of all the grammer mistakes and voila! You suddenly have the next Harry Potter
just one thing more to say...
when do we get more?
it doesn't seem to have a plot, like a real story. i think your style of writing is still OK, but you need to use a wider range of emotions. Basically, I think is quite good. Keep up the work!
I like it. Everyone already said the things that needed doing. I would definatly keep up the good work. I think that if you just do some more work it would be awsome!
Well It's pretty good. Maybe if you made more of a finish.Good for standing up for yourself. I can't weight for more!
I think you guys are being a bit critical, I thought it was pretty good. Although I suppose reviews are supposed to critical so....
Ah. I interpreted that as more of a "you are Hermione's daughter" than "that is Draco Malfoy's son" sort of thing, if you know what I mean. I guess that works, though.
The thing is, Ron told Rosie to beat Scorpius (sorry!) in every test and such, so I figured he would basically hint that she shouldn't be friends with him...
Anyways, thanks for the comments, guys! I wrote another version of this-- it's called Ch.1: On the Hogwarts Express. Can't wait to hear more from y'all
~Deoris
His name isn't Scorpio. It's Scorpius.
Anyway, why would Rosie be told not to talk to Scorpius? I got the impression that, while Harry and Ron would never be friends with Draco, they'd at least no longer be enemies. I think Harry especially would try to break the chain of taking-things-out-on-your-enemies'-children.
I'm curious to see where you go with this. We don't have lots of information about the next generation, so it's fun to see where people take it.
This looks great! It deserves at least 4 stars.
Having just finished The Deathly Hallows myself, I really liked this fanfic. I realize you'r making a circle: Didn't the trio of the HP books met in the same way, in Hogwarts Express? I'm not saying these three will be friends too, but the narrative has a nostalgic feeling to it.
Keep up the good work!
This is ok. It's a great start to something. But, there's some un-needed information and then some stuff that seems to be missing. In short, it doesn't seem like a whole, it feels like there should be more. So maybe you sshould elaboreate a little, and expand the story.
I, also, don't think that Albus would've called Rosir 'Cousin'. It just doesn't seem Natural. I'm also not sure that when it talk about Albus's appearance, it should be "Albus' ". instead it shoulld be Alubus's.
Other than that it's a great start!
xoxo
-Caitlin
This is okay.
The one thing that really annoyed me is that it's Scorpius, not Scorpio. Also, I don't think Albus would have called Rosie 'cousin' if he took after his parents at all.
Other than that, this was great. I look forward to reading more.
Yeah...this is just what I wrote during a class, so it's not even a whole chapter...
I'm really hating how I depict Rosie though...I'll post another draft pretty soon (or at least ASAP) which will be the whole of the chapter...
Thanks for the criticism! Always happy for more!
~Deoris
This is definitely a great start to something. It's good to space out your paragraphs, though.
I agree with Amelia with the body language. To me, Scorpio seemed really twitchy, with the constant turning to face the window and stuff. Having Rosie doing something so that you can show her actions would be good. However you want to go about it, do it.
Is this the first part?
For it seems really unfinished. It also doesn't seem to have much of a plot, to be perfectly frank.
First and foremost, this story could greatly benefit from spacing between paragraphs. This makes it easier and more pleasant to read.
This is unnecessary. Are you a fan of anime? I know that this kind of stream of consciousness occurs often in that genre, but it should probably remain there [I'm not bashing anime; I'm just noticing something]. Same here:
And why does she show her magic to muggles?
I see parallels to the first generation. In a way, it reminds me of Wuthering Heights ^_^
In general, I think you could have done more with Rosie's thoughts. Not by telling them straight out, necessarily, but by showing where she hesitates, where she looks nervous. So far, all body language like this is coming from Scorpio.