Published October 13, 2007
Done, done, onto the next one
Because this one's the same one as the last
A sad yearning for a different past
Scribble it up, discard it, it's done
Done, done, onto the next one
Throw it away, for lack of good words
Becdause the matters are more complicated than rainbows and birds
Stomach churns, all inside me burns
Can't find an adequate way
To describe all the things I need to say
Pour all your feeling into a notepad
Drains your mind, makes you feel sad
Ink stain with tears
All the forgotten years
Rush by like grains in an hourglass
Through it away
Just to come back again
Done, finished, just like the last
Keep on going, never knowing.
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Canary word: Present
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Ahh, I can't believe I wrote that long crit and it got deleted =(
Anyways, I'll write a shortened version of it. If you want the longer version, I'll rewrite it and send it to you by PM if you would like.
I really loved this! Although there are a few mistakes, it has great potential and only needs a little work.
One thing I noticed was the fact that you repeated "Done, done, on to the next one" twice, but then stopped. I have no idea why. I'm not saying you have to repeat, I'm just saying that the fact that you stopped might distract the reader. I know that made no sense there, but it did in my head
All in all, I really like this poem =) Like I said, I'll give you the longer crit if you need it.
Mel =)
You use the word "one" alot in the first few lines, and it gets tiresome; variety is the spice of life! See how else you can structure the sentence so that so many "one"s aren't as necessary. Some of the lines are rather long, and it seems more like you're writing to the rhyme than writing for the actual poem. My advice? Throw the rhymes out the window. Or read it aloud to yourself and see where you trip, where you run out of breath before you finish a phrase/line. Similarly, there are parts with alot of words, that seem just very stifling to me. For example:
^ the second line here is very long, and has alot of words to it. As such, it isn't a very strong conclusion to the previous line, and won't help in making your point.
You seem to have the basic ideas down, but now what to do with them? I think the biggest problem is wordiness. Look through and decide whether each word is absolutely necessary, whether each word really makes the point you want. I liked the internal rhyme in the last line ^_^
I see Suzanne recommended Anne Bradstreet. I'd highly encourage you to take that advice, if you haven't already; Anne Bradstreet is absolutely wonderful.
PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia
First of, don't forget to punctuate! This will help you: Poetry & Punctuation.
It wasn't a bad poem, but it was a bit too scattered and abstract for me. I understand what you're writing about but for me, poetry makes me feel, makes me think, and this didn't do that much. You have to include your reader in your poetry.
A good poem about an authors poetry is The Author to Her Book by Anne Bradstreet. That might give you some inspiration.
I can understand you thinking that. It's about my poems, but when put together my poems do read like a diary, writen at different stages in my life as I pour all my thought onto a bit of paper, then throw them away because they end up completely different to how I want them to be because I can't find the right words.
There's a song by the Foo Fighters called All My Life, which features the screamed line "It's done, done- and I 'm on to the next" which was the inspiration for this. I guess the Foo's songwriter Dave Grohl encounters the same frustrating problems sometimes.
And by the way, note the word INSPIRATION not PLAGARISM. It was a starting point, not a copy of the lyrics
I'm thinking through was meant to be throw right?
And that's really all I noticed in the was of mistakes. But I really liked the way it flowed so nicely. All in all a very nice little poem. I really see nothing wrong with it.
Keep it up!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
Nice. It's about a diary or journal, right? Moving onto the next entry, wanting a differnet past when you read it back and not being able to properly describe all the things going on in your life.
You should space it out a bit and add in some more puncuation. Also, you spelt because as becdause. Apart from those little mistakes it was good.