Published August 9, 2007
Jens leapt over Vader with agility, pushing the dust into the air and with a scream focused on his opponent. It was as if there was nothing else but he and the Sith Lord. Time froze as they clashed, blue and red sabers illuminating the rocks.
Tsudari skillfully duelled with Vader for the second time, spinning around, dodging and slashing, whilst his enemy stayed practically still except for his arm, biding his time to tire the Jedi out.
Jens jumped again, this time misjudging his landing; he tripped over a boulder and rolled straight into the path of a speeder. Vader walked down, saber now deactivated, and towered over Jens. He had the Jedi right where he wanted.
"So Jedi," he said, "Who are you? Where did you learn those skills? How can you heal?"
"I won't talk."
Darth Vader placed his foot over Jens' ribs, activating his saber and pointing it at Tsudari's neck.
"Talk," he said again firmly with menace
Quickly Jens slipped out from beneath Vader's foot and switched on his lightsaber, clashing with Vader. They headed towards the cliffside, past rebels and stormtroopers in fierce combat. As they battled onward it became clear that Jens Tsudari was becoming exhausted.
They soon reached the edge of the battlefield. Jens looked over down to see a massive drop, seeming infinite as it went down the side of the rocky canyon they were on top of. Small bits of rock fell down and disappeared from sight.
Vader hit again, this time making Jens wobble, and he tried to find his footing, a patch of land crumbled away into oblivion. Jens fell and grabbed on to the edge, his finger the only thing stopping him from plummenting to his peril.
"Talk, Jedi," repeated Vader.
Jens was about to say no, but one brief glance down was enough to change his mind.
"Okay.... I'll tell you."
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Canary word: Present
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I'm really not sure about this, but I'd say there's a "their" missing.
I'd go with either "over" or "down", not both.
And "out of" instead of "from"
I'd add "as", so that it reads "and as he tried to find his footing".
Also, I'd add "being" - "his finger being the only thing"
And a simple typo, there's no "n" in plummeting.
You really know how to create a interesting, intriguing scene, and ending it with this true cliffhanger is just perfect. I liked the way you made it feel like a torture scene or an interrogation, since it really suits Vader well. George Lucas would be proud. I'm looking forward to read more!
This was really good, and really went along with the style of Star Wars. I loved the action, and the duel was awesome. The jedi was cool, but I think the one thing you could've done was to describe a little bit more. But otherwise good job, and keep writing! I'd like to know what happens next, and who this guy really is. Oh, and good job ending with the cliffhangers!
Vet
Hi!
Well this next bit is good. A little to short to do a good crit, but I''ll do my best.
There's one point where you changed from saying "Jens" to "Tsudari".
I think Syd pointed out the other mistake I found.
Hope to read the next bit!
~Timea
Oooo nice. ^^ I liked it. I'm not into Star Wars, and I've never watched it in my life, but I don't need to see it in order to crit this I suppose. I don't think there's any description you need to work on, or dialogue, but one or two tiny mistakes in here:
This one, I'm not too sure about. I have a feeling that 'pointing' should be 'pointed', but I'm not entirely sure if that's correct.This next one I'm sure about. lol
Period at the end.
Overall, I enjoyed this. I wasn't really into it, though, only because I'm not a Star Wars fan. So yeah.