Published July 27, 2007
"What is it?"
Vader turned to see a rather nervous Commander Xeronium standing in front of him. His short figure seemed even smaller when compared to the Sith.
"The offensive on Planet Solari has... failed."
Darth Vader grew angry, his hand trembling with fury. He banged his fist against the table.
"I'm so sorry, my Lord."
"Your apology is unacceptable, Commander!" shouted Vader, making the lights flicker slightly.
The commander could not back away quickly enough. Vader used the force to swiftly dispatch of Xeronium by blasting him into a metal pillar. With a crash, the man landed at the foot of Admiral Karlian.
"What business have you here Admiral?" asked Darth Vader in his deep, intimidating tones.
"It's a Jedi!" exclaimed the Admiral.
"Where?" demanded Vader, who had grown considerably tense after Karlian's news. Vader stood up, his shadow darkening the floor and all around him. "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?"
Something caught Vader's eye. He pulled out his sabre from his belt, the red beam activated by the touch of a button. Without hesitation, he decapitated Karlian and walked as quickly as he could (despite his enormous figure) towards the blast doors. He could sense something.
"Prepare the ship for my assignment to Solari," he ordered. "There is much work to do as the attempt to quash the rebels has failed."
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141,439 Literary Works • 674,448 Reviews
"We lose more admirals that way..." Ha, the beginning reminds me of "The Empire Strikes Back," when Vader "replaces" the older officer. Very good.
Hey,
I know you wrote this like a year ago, but I wanted to check it out anyway Like everyone said, I think Vader is a little to... impatient. If you watch in the movie, he's usually a little more patient, but you did a good job describing him. Otherwise, the action was fast-paced (good if you want your readers to stay with you) and the entire piece was well written. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, so good job.
Vet
Hmmm...
Okay, a few things.
1) Vader...um..yeah, what Hunter said. (I really don't want to repeat.)
2) It's a little confusing. Why is Vader all mad? (This is the first part I've read). Somehow..i really didn't get a feel for the Imp officers, and Vader. It seems empty to me.
Anway, I think this story has a lot of potential!
May the Force be with you!
~Rogue Jedi Master Timea
PS. Star Wars rocks! You should check out my story. It's not in the SW galaxy, but they have had contact with it. It takes place in another galaxy..kinda resembling Star Wars.
This definitely filled in some info after reading part 2.
Let's see if I could help you out with some suggestions.
Hunter knows his Vader
Vader is a very complicated character. You want to do so much with him, but you can't go too far or you'll completely change the character. Vader's hand might curl into a fist, but I don't think it would tremble. He also wouldn't bang on the table. He's a very cold, calm character. If you read Harry Potter, he's like Voldemort. Evil, but his voice is steady and sends chills down anyone's spine << that kind of way. You know?
Vader wouldn't shout. "...Vader said coldly, his voice steady" or something to that effect might work. After that, consider the flickering lights...unless the force did that.
No corrections here. You're perfectly fine with this one. I just want to share one of my favorite Vader moves. I love his choke! maybe you could use his force choke sometime? My favorite move by Vader...or one of them.
Exclaimed? I didn't picture the Admiral so worked up. I pictured him calm, as if used to seeing a man flying across the room. Tell us what the Admiral looks like, as in his emotion. Is he nervous after seeing the Commander fly across the room? If he's calm, change "exclaimed" to "the Admiral said calmly..." then explain why he's calm or...yeah.
Avoid caps for Vader.
Very nice first sentence. I liked that. "Without hesitation..." lovely! Maybe, instead of Parentheses, you use commas? Also, the second sentence is alright. Possibly change it to "He sensed something" or something to the effect. (I'm using "something" a lot. Not good grammar XD )
Oops! "squash" not "quash"
Very nice, though. I like this story, and Part 2 works quite well with it. I look forward to more. Just remember, you picked a difficult character to use. Darth Vader is very unique and it's tough to keep the characters as they are. That's the one of the only difficulties of writing Fanfiction.
You're doing very well. Any questions, PM me. I'd be happy to help!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
As with my critique of part II, I think Vader is slightly out of character. A little too aggressive, too unforgiving. If every time the empire failed in a task, even if it wasn't their fault, Vader killed them, the Empire would have no officers.
Xeronium sounds too alien to be the name of a human in the Star Wars universe. For an Imperial Commander (speaking of which, Commander of what? Stormtrooper Squads? TIE Squadrons? Let us know. Details are a great way to flesh your story out), you might go with a French or German name. Something European.
Double Space paragraphs, yadayada...
Good stuff man.
--Hunter
Hi
, I don't usually check out Fanfiction... But as it's you I'll make an exception. You obviously know your Star Wars. Personally I think it was too short a part for me to give an opinion, but I'll be sure to look out for any more parts to come.
~Tempest