Chapter one
Jacob stood on the street corner, hoping the bus would hurry. It was almost 8.30 am and he needed to get to school by 9. He shifted from one foot to the other, slinging his bag over his shoulder. He glanced around. This part of town was particularly nasty. Graffiti covered the old buildings and run-down houses, held up only by tin and crumbling bricks. The streets were practically deserted except for a few unoccupied youths.
Jacob lived in a house down the street. He was one considered as one of those unoccupied youths but today he had school, he was one of the few on his street that actually attended. Not that it mattered much. He wasn’t very good at it and he didn’t have a lot of friends.
He pulled at his old, plain grey shirt. It was too small for him, clinging to his torso. His jeans were too big and ripped, making him look like a want to be gangster. He had an unbuttoned checked shirt, which acted as jacket sort of thing.
Jacob Turner was an orphan, though why he had been adopted by the couple he was with now he would never know. Lilly and Grant Griffin were probably the most horrible people he had ever met in his life. When Grant wasn’t taking his depression out on Jacob, leaving him with humongous bruises, and a few times giving him broken bones, he was drunk, bringing home girls around Jacob’s age to muck around.
His wife, who stayed out of his way most of the time, was no better. She would come home from work and scream profanities at Jacob. Telling him he was the reason her life was the way it was.
Jacob had lived with it for 11 years, the 6 years at the orphanage seemed like heaven compared to where he was now. But he had not complained, knowing when he was able to move out he would. Where he lived it wasn’t legal to move out until you were 18-1 month to go. He couldn’t wait.
Suddenly he saw the bus putter down the road and he stepped closer to the kerb. The bus screeched to a halt, though it didn’t seem to be going fast enough to screech. The doors opened with a hiss and he stepped up, handing his dollar to the large driver who said nothing as he shoved his ticket at him. The bus driver quickly drove off and Jacob hobbled around, trying to reach an empty spot. Just before he was able to sit, someone else quickly sat down and smiled maliciously at him. He scowled, his dark brown eyes narrowing in irritation but he didn’t say anything.
Soon enough he reached his school. In the dark of the stormy sky the school looked even more depressing, its grey buildings looking lifeless and sad. He walked towards his class suddenly feeling horribly depressed. Nobody looked at him and he didn’t look at them. He walked into class and went to his locker. He bent down and grabbed the lock. Some idiot had put a lock on his locker and now he couldn’t use it. He groaned and threw his bag on top of the locker instead, pushing his hand through his dark brown hair.
Admittedly, Jacob was a handsome young boy, but nobody saw that. They didn’t look at him for more than a second. He had gotten a girl-friend once, the year before. But she left him when she had the misfortune of meeting Lilly one day. After that girls kept their distance from the good-looking boy with the unstable family.
Jacob got in trouble several times that day. Once for the lock which he tried to explain wasn’t his fault. The second time he got in trouble for accidently hitting a kid in the back of the head with a basketball. And the last time was for running into a teacher when he was late for class because one of the kids had thrown his books into the schools toilets and he had to retrieve them.
Other than those few hiccups, the day passed relatively quickly and when the bell rang he joyfully ran out of class. He walked to the bus stop but upon seeing Melvin McEwen there he decided against it. Melvin derived too much pleasure from teasing Jacob, making fun of him. Jacob thought about how cowardly he was being. He was 17 for goodness sake and he couldn’t even face up to a rich bully, but he didn’t think on it for long, because as soon as Melvin saw him he sped up, quickly turning the corner to be saved from his callous name calling.
He walked the streets aimlessly, not wanting to go to Lilly and Grant’s place just yet. He glanced around. He was in the upper part of town and it was a nice change, colourful and clean. He slowed, looking down the street in awe. There, just ahead of him was a line of at least 100 young people, an assortment of clean-cut and ragged, very young to mid-twenties, short and tall. They were all lined up under a sign that read: The Dream Machine Arcade.
“Hey,” he began, lightly touching the shoulder of a young Chinese girl with long black hair and large brown eyes. “What are you all waiting for?”
“The Dream Machine,” she responded.
“The-what is it exactly?”
“It’s like, a… well, they say it makes you dream whatever you want to free of charge! And it’s for disadvantaged youths and stuff.”
“Really?” he asked, mostly to himself. The line had begun to move and people were pushing in behind him and he was caught in the crowd. Suddenly there was a huge rush and he felt eager hands push at his back and call out in excitement.
He tried to manoeuvre his way out but the crowd was just too large and he had to follow to avoid being crushed. He noticed a few of the clean-cut youths being sent away, they looked very disappointed and angry and he pitied the younger brother or sister or parent that had to put up with their bad attitude when they arrived home, slighted by a group of disadvantaged youths.
When he and the young Chinese girl arrived at the door the bouncer glanced at them for a second before waving them through. Jacob tried to tell them he didn’t want to go, but over the noise of the crowd, no one could be heard. Finally he was inside and everyone spread out, all racing to get to a machine. Jacob stood dumbly, watching the kids scramble over each other to reach the machines.
The room was large, with machines on either side. Each machine had its own, thick red curtain surrounding it which could be drawn for privacy. It was sort of like having hospital beds side by side but with the more comfortable beds and more luxurious curtains to shield them from each other. The room was painted a deep purple and the carpet was a light cream colour. At the end of the room there was a counter with food and drinks available. To one side of the counter were the toilets, and on the other side a door, Jacob assumed, to the staff area. He was surprised to see that everyone had a machine that had entered and that there were still at least another twenty left empty.
He approached the closest one and ran his hand along the black leather. With only a slight pause he sat onto it and lay down. It reminded him slightly of a dentist’s chair because there was a light over his head and you could adjust the seat the way the dentists do. To his right there was a bedside table with a pair of glasses on it. Not like any glasses he had seen before. The lenses were tinted silver and the rims a sky blue. They covered your eyes completely so that if you put them on you could not see outside of them except of course through the lenses.
Jacob placed them on carefully and jumped when he heard a voice coming through a speaker somewhere.
“Hello children. I am Henry Simons,” the voice that emerged was quiet, almost feeble, “I am the creator of The Dream Machine and I am just here to tell you a few things about it. First, you are able to dream what you like, and you needn’t worry, we do not record your dreams.” He paused for a moment.
“In a second I will start the machines and your dream state will begin. Second, the glasses should stay on the whole time. If you do wake up at all, do not remove your glasses. Press the buzzer on the side of your chair and someone will come to you. Thirdly, you will not die here if you die in a dream. The dream state is just that, a state. If you get hurt it will not really happen in real life. Fourthly, I want to say, have fun and make the most out of your time. I will wake you up in two hours’ time, and unlike real dreams you will experience the full two hours. So, now that that is all said and done, good luck, sleep tight.”
Suddenly Jacob felt incredibly tired and his eyelids began to droop unwillingly. He tried to jerk himself awake, it felt as if he were being drugged, but he finally lost, his eyes closing, accepting this dream state.
Jacob awoke, or shall we say, fell asleep but dreamed he was awake, to find himself in a bedroom. Somehow he knew it was his bedroom. He stood in surprise, feeling his arms and legs. He felt real. It was quite unlike any dream he’d ever had because it was so real like.
Suddenly a woman entered. He grinned. It was his mum, the woman he’d never met. She was beautiful, with long brown hair, falling like a waterfall, straight over her graceful figure. Her hazel eyes shone kindly and she smiled gently, lovingly at him and he grinned wider, running over to hug her.
She laughed. “Well, this is unexpected!” she exclaimed as she also threw her slender arms around her son. “It’s time for school sweetheart!” she said as she detached herself from his grip, grinning.
“Oh… oh! Right.” He laughed joyfully. He was normal, with a normal family, going to school like a normal kid and he was home!
She glanced at him with a small smile, wondering absently at his odd behaviour. But she turned and left him to it.
Jacob looked out of the window. The street was like the one he had seen with the huge line of people coming to see the machine. The houses were colourful and neat and the people that exited the houses, going to work were happy. He stopped for a minute. He could dream whatever he wanted right? He concentrated for a minute, thinking of a beach house, looking out over a clear sea with beautiful white sand and warm weather. Suddenly the dream began to run, like water down the window-pane and the world turned, changing his dream to the beach. He grinned larger than ever. He ran down the stairs and outside, his bare feet touching the soft, warm sand.
He had only ever been to the beach once, for an excursion but because he had no bathers he had been made to sit on the sand with the teachers, but not this time. His mum and dad, a tall, handsome man with the same coloured hair and eyes as Jacob, were already resting side by side in the warm sun, smiling at him as he rushed past them to get to the water.
Running into the water, he was surprised to see his clothes, the same he had been wearing before, had changed into board shorts. He grinned and dived into the clear water and suddenly he was wearing a diving suit and he was swimming side by side to string rays, angel fish and clown fish. He stared in awe at the assortment of fish and coral, not believing his own eyes. For what seemed like hours he swum side by side, even braving touching their scaly bodies and watched as they sped off when he did.
Finally he surfaced, taking off his oxygen mask and then suddenly he was standing on the beach. He spun around and laughed as he ran to the house, his old clothes back on.
He could smell a wonderful aroma coming from the house and searched for the origin of it, coming to a stop in the dining room where a roast was laying on the table for lunch.
“Oh, here he is!” his mother exclaimed, placing the last plate on the table. She had one hand around her husband’s shoulders and smiled at Jacob, patting the seat next to her. “Look who’s here Jake.” She indicated to the other seats.
There, seated on the dark mahogany chair was his ex-girlfriend, Sally Picard. He felt a wave of memories flood as he looked at her and she smiled at him the way she used to, as if she had a secret and she didn’t want to tell him, her mouth curved into a playful smile. Her wavy blonde hair was held up in a neat bun and she smiled at him, her blue eyes looking at him in adoration. In the seat next to her was her mum. Sally was almost the spitting image of her mum, minus the largeness.
He smiled awkwardly. Why would he want to dream about stupid Sally Picard? Suddenly Sally frowned and right in front of him her image blurred and sitting in her place was a tall brunette. She was shorter then he, but only just. She had blue eyes but they were a much darker blue then Sally’s, a prettier blue. She was very athletic and had a quiet personality. Yes, that's much better.
Sally’s mum had also been replaced with another woman. A slightly older woman but of more elegant beauty then Sally’s mum.
His parents didn’t even notice. They just smiled.
“Say hello Jake!” his dad urged.
“Oh, right hi,” Jacob said brightly. Happy now he had gotten rid of Sally.
“So… ” he began. Suddenly he realised that they didn’t have names and he hurried to find a name that would suit his dream girl.
“So, Eleanor… ” his dad began.
Nope, that’s too boring. He thought before thinking again.
“So, Trixie… ” his mum started.
Ah! No way, too… far out! He thought to himself, racking his brain for another name.
“So, Chrissie… ” his dad began again.
“Yes?” Chrissie replied, always the oh-so demure girl-friend.
“What are you and Jacob planning to do after lunch?”
“Oh, well… ” She glanced at him for a moment then looked back to his dad. “Well, we were planning on going up stairs to talk for a bit then we were going to go down the street to maybe get some coffee. If that’s okay.” She finished glancing up at her mum, whom Jacob decided could be called Mary.
“Yes, that’s okay I guess,” Mary consented, smiling at them both.
“Well, that’s great!” his parents enthused.
Suddenly the plates cleared.
“Well, lunch was amazing!” his dad exclaimed, “Good-job honey!”
“Thanks.” His mum blushed, giving his dad a kiss.
“Well, off you go kids. We will be right here if you need us!” Mary urged them.
Jacob stood up, walking up the stairs perplexed. Maybe the dream tapped into his sub-conscious or something, as in it realised what you really wanted. He grinned when suddenly Chrissie was by his side, her warm hands in his. They walked up the stairs and went into his bedroom.
Seating himself on the bed, he shifted awkwardly as a silence descended and he spared a couple of glances at her. He wasn't very good at actually talking to girls and what was he meant to say? She was a figment of his imagination!
She stood quietly against the door for a minute then slowly approached him, an alluring smile on her lips. Without saying a word she bent down to him, both arms around his neck and lent in close, her soft lips lightly touching his. His eyes widened in surprise but he soon responded to her soft touch. They stayed like this for a moment but his enjoyment was cut short when he suddenly felt his eyelids begin to droop again. He fought harder against the urge this time, but it was too strong and he felt himself once again, unwillingly closing his eyes and falling asleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there! My name's Christina
I think it may be a tad long, maybe in the future you could put, for example Chapter 2, Part 1?
Things I liked:
-This idea is wildly creative and wonderful, I enjoyed reading the second half a lot! (the first half I'll get to later) Though the premise of an orphan adopted by intolerable parents very new, it blends very well into the great idea of the Dream Machine!
-You are really good with descriptions. The part where Jacob is in the ocean underwater is very easy to picture in my head, it was like I was there!
-I liked how this chapter ended, with a little mystery, definitely making me want to read the rest of the chapters. There are a lot of possibilities with this idea!
The things you could improve on (which I mean to say as kindly as possible):
-In the first half where Jacob is introduced is a tad wishy washy to me. You mention his abusive parents, but maybe by creating a scene where you demonstrate that we could really understand the situation better, and root more for Jacob's happiness. Show not tell is always a good rule
-I also feel that Jacob as a character is a bit under developed. The whole focus of your story is this terrific Dream Machine, right? So maybe before you jump right into the point of the story, we could know more about Jacob's personality, character, and what he thinks about his life a little more. I personally become more attached to a character the more I feel like I know him or her.
Overall I really adore the idea, and you for dreaming it up! Please let me know when Chapter 2 is up, okay? Best wishes!
Thanks! I'll have to go back over it. I'll keep in mind what you said
Although a little choppy and jumpy at times, I think you have a great idea! Good job!
Thank-you!