Losing

As people have taken care of the technical issues related to this poem, I'll go and say I find it interesting. It makes me think of the beating of a drum--tap, tap, tap. You might want to add a BANG in there somewhere, therefore. Shake things up. Make people wince, make them mad, make them cry, make them do something. Readers are your puppets, especially readers of poetry. Embrace it. They're like the viewers of modern art, they expect something. A line on a piece of paper in a museum makes them MAD. That was intentional in its own way, see?

...Yeah, I am a bit mad. But I believe that may be the best advice I can give for a poet. Oh, and if I seem stalker-y for finding an older post, I was/am looking you up for the Poetry Pairs Contest. Yes.

So, yeah. Just try and find the person you are speaking of's voice. If they're emotional, spit the words onto the page. Get them to show it. If they're cold, this works fine. But I see them as heated, tempered by a rage that could lead them to throwing a glass, shattering objects, ripping things apart. (Which is weird.) I don't know. I just think you should add something more. It would suit it better. (Here I am, speaking of character emotion when I'm not the author. Bah.)

Anyway, I did like it. Like I said, it had good rhythm. It just didn't hold my brain, or make me think in a new way. I enjoy having my "vision" bent into new forms it's not used to. *nods*

Well, I think that's about all. Off to the next poem!

Hi there

So, first of all, there were quite a few spelling errors/grammar mistakes. I'll catch those in bold in all the quoted pieces, but I would suggest using spellcheck or something in the future. They may seem very small, but they can be quite distracting, especially for a Grammar Nazi like me.

Second of all: this was nice. I really like your word choice, and you have some nice ideas. I think that you could probably work on the rhythm in some spots, and maybe toy with your lines breaks, but this was nice.

Third thing: There really isn't that much emotion in this. You have some good imagery in this, but we really don't know what's completely going on, and so we're left to read the words without being able to engage. Try to incorporate a little bit more person stuff, and try to make this feel really HUMAN. Rather than using nice words, make it strong.

As that last breath escaped your lips,
it's ashen smoke forming in swirling rings.

I bowed my head,
and waited with bated breath. I think that you could add these lines together-- take out the period, because you haven't finished the idea, and it kind of feels odd.
I listened for the simple sound of relief,
but the voice that I sought did not come.
A cloud of hate burst forth from your lips,
and took me by suprise. To fit the tone you've created with your elevated language, I think that you could rephrase this to make it more consistent.
My aching visions burned farther in my head,
your smile, your eyes.

In the scorching mid winter, hyphen after "mid"
I realized every bit of my hatred.
Out of listening to the cracked radio I thought the world I knew was fair,
and not the terrible death I felt then.

Again you persuaded me to let go,
and join you in the murderous crusade. Odd phrasing. You make it sound like you're going to separate from one another in the first line, and then join up together in the second. Also, this is really ambiguous.
I refused,
and my cruel hatred blossomed.

It grew within me,
and pulsed like a heart beat.
I was scared at first,
but then I embraced? it.
I let it grow,
and buried my longing.
But it was still there,
and it came upon me silently.
The tricky little emotion,
came back again.

Why am I on the losing side,
but without any sympathy?
Certainly I should oppressit,
and forget he existed.
But I won't,
I refuse to let go.
Because if I will, and if I might,
there's no doubt I'll get some sleep tonight.

Hello there Truth here for a review!

thestorygirl wrote:As that last breath escaped your lips,
#FF0000 ">its ashen smoke forming in swirling rings#FF0000 ">, comma Comma here, and not period because there has to be something happening 'as' the last breath is taken.
I bowed my head,
and waited with bated breath.
I listened for the simple sound of relief,
but the voice that I seeked did not come.
A cloud of hate burst#FF0000 ">ed forth from your lips,
and took me by suprise.
My aching visions burned farther in my head,
your smile, your eyes.

In the scorching #FF0000 ">midwinter,
I realized every bit of my hatred. This line here leaves me hanging.. like I'm waiting for something to follow (I realized every bit of my hatred.. what?) I think you meant it more as the character taking conscience of the hatred in him/her? Try rephrasing this a bit, i.e. '#0000BF ">I took conscience of every bit of my hatred
Out of listening to the cracked radio I thought the world I knew was fair,
and not the terrible death I felt then.

Again you persuaded me to let go,
and join you in the murderous crusade.
I refused,
and my cruel hatred blossomed.

It grew within me,
and pulsed like a heart beat.
I was scared at first,
but then I #FF0000 ">embraced it.
I let it grow,
and buried my longing.
But it was still there,
and it came upon me silently.
The tricky little emotion,
came back again.

Why#FF0000 "> was I on the losing side, Keep in the past tense
but #FF0000 ">without any sypathy?
Certainly#FF0000 ">, comma I should opress it,
and forget he #FF0000 ">even existed.
But I won't, Are you switching from past to present? If so, I'd suggest you split it here into a new stanza, or simply change the rest into past tense to it follows the rest of the poem.
I refuse to let go.
Because if I will, and if I might,
there's no #FF0000 ">doubt I'll get some sleep tonight. I'm pretty sure you meant doubt here