A trick,
a lovely little game,
a test.
It confused you at first
then suddenly, I think you grasped it.
That one idea
that everything you know isn't real.
That even as you squirm and shriek and gasp for air
none of this is happening
unless I say it is.
I laughed when you realized.
You figured out this riddle,
unlike most of your forefathers.
Another jolt,
another breath.
I jerk you out of your unassuming haze.
I'm transparent behind you,
a ghost
a whisper of what I once was.
That last breath before it hit you was almost nonexistent.
A crack.
A snap.
And it was gone.
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Canary word: Present
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,685 Reviews
Hah, this was interesting read! I like the mysterious little aura it holds... I have no idea what you're talking about but it was pretty cool that you let the reader for their own image of what experience leads to these kinds of emotions and happenings. Overall... my impression was just... This was KOOl and INTERESTING!
The structure was a bit choppy, maybe try form some kind of pattern to your stanzas and keep lines of similar length?... but I like the "one-worded" lines.
I'll give this 4/5 icky, sticky spiders!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I'm not sure how I feel about this poem. Reading it was definitely interesting, but, at the same time, I wasn't positive about exactly what I was reading. I'm a big fan of when writing causes you to think and leaves some of the story to be imagined, but this was on the edge of taking that concept too far.
That aside, I like the words you used and the style in which you used them.
Keep writing!
Ok, well I liked your emotion in this, very heartfelt. Unfortunately, that was about all I got from it. The paragraphs need to have a consistant technique, instead of having a different number of lines and a different rythym each time. Also, I think your poem was a good length, but I didn't understand what you were talking about. Poetry is often better when a bit cryptic, but you make it too hard to understand and the readers find it hard to understand and therefore empathise with the poet. But I liked the effort you have obviously put into this. Please keep writing
Eeh, what can I say, good job? - doesn't seem too appropriate... Great job? - closer to it. It was great, even though I had no idea what you tried to convey. It definitely had me mystified... a murder? A hunt? A hallucination? Please enlighten me. Great job.