Masquerade parties have always been my favorite Halloween bashes.
Especially on the night of the big day itself. Everyone in our junior class was invited to go over to Cameron Hart’s house on Halloween to party all night long. It was a Masquerade party, and everyone was excited. The buzzing noise around our wing of the school never seemed to stop.
I, however, stayed quiet. I wasn’t a loner, I had friends -- quite a number at that -- but I was just quite naturally, shy even. My friends knew I didn’t want to talk when I first arrived at school and didn’t wave hello or anything, just walked over and hung out until the bell rang, signaling we could go inside.
And now, here I am, standing at my locker at the end of sixth period, grabbing my books for seventh, the last class of the day. Doing my usual routine, which included opening my locker and pretending to look at the mirror in the door, when I was actually staring at Landen Harvey, the school’s ‘hottie.’
I couldn’t argue there, considering I was probably not the only staring. The first bell sounded, saying there were two bells left. I quickly exchanged my books, sliding them into my shoulder bag and taking off down the hallway.
This was one of the four classes I happened to have with Landen, but we didn’t sit next to each other. The school’s queen bee, Kierston, who was actually nice, sat next to him, and they flirted a lot during class. Landen’s best mate, Will Hunter, sat next to me, about two rows ahead from them, meaning we were two rows from the back and just to tell you, one from the front.
I took my seat quickly, slinging my bag over the back of my chair. I crossed my ankles while getting out my binder and grabbing a pencil. The chair next to me shifted as the second bell rang, and I heard a small sigh.
Looking from under my eyelashes, I saw Will holding his head in his hands. Forgetting the fact I wanted to be left alone, I said, “Hey, are you okay?”
His head snapped up almost instantly, looking at me as I sat up, turning to face him. “Um, I’m sorry -- who are you?”
I grimaced, looking down. “I’m Kate Sanders.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you or anything -- I mean, I know who you are and all but -- I just wanted to make sure.” Will stuttered.
I shook my head, biting my lip. I had expected this. Most people know who I am, but they don’t talk to me. I’m more of a.. silent popular, I guess you could say. I’m well-known, but not many speak to or talk about me.
“It’s fine, Will.” I said quietly, turning forward.
He sighed again. “Look, I’m fine --”
“Stop kidding yourself,” I murmured, and he heard me, stopping mid-sentence.
Will tapped my shoulder, causing me to look at him. “What?”
“Nothing.” I hurriedly muttered, looking away.
Luckily enough, the third bell rang, signaling it was time for class. Our teacher started go on about adjectives again, ones like ‘ghoulish’, ‘darkly’, and a bunch more than could properly be used to describe Halloween.
“So, now that we’ve gone over that, I’m going to pair you up with someone and you’re going to spend the next week writing a spooky Halloween story. On the following Monday, we’ll be sharing them in class.” Mrs. Daniels smiled at us. It looked a bit creepy from her.
I chewed on my lower lip thoughtfully. Maybe I could make it about a Halloween house -- “I’ve already chosen your partners to make sure you’ll work hard.”
The class groaned in unison, including me. I hate when I’m paired up with someone because I don’t know how well they’ll work. I’ve worked with a couple people -- and found myself going back to be their partner for the next partner project.
Mrs. Daniels laughed. “Calm down guys, they’re good this time!” She smiled, as if remembering last time. My eyes widened. Those pairs were absolutely terrible. When we had to share, no one, and I’m serious -- not one person -- had finished.
“Krislyn and Jason. Mary and Ron. Harry and Jessica. Landen and Kierston.” She continued going down the list. “Will and Kate. Isabel and Rachel.”
Wait a minute. Will and I? “Mrs. Daniels, I can’t --” I rose my hand, staring bewildered at her. Mrs. Daniels held her hand up.
“No complaining.” With that, she returned to her desk, and a noise started next to me. I looked to see Will tapping his pencil.
“Stop that!” I ordered, frowning.
“What are you going to do about it?” Will smirked at me, wagging his eyebrows.
This is going to be a long week.
Hi, thesassqueen, I see you've got a bit of feedback, but I'm sure another review wouldn't hurt.
Right, first things first, your punctuation and organisation is good. You seem a competent writer, so I don't have to nitpick much about little grammatical problems. I only spotted one tiny error:
Instead of full stops, you need commas. Also, I think 'muttered hurriedly' would flow better than 'hurriedly muttered'.
Anyway, moving onto the slightly more important stuff, my issue is with the arrangement and content of the chapter. As Confictura said, I do agree that the dialogue is a little unrealistic.
This was the main bit that struck me as unlikely. When you barely know someone - even when you do know someone - its often difficult to contradict them when they insist they're 'fine'. Kate's quite - you've already mentioned that - so I find it hard to believe she'd have enough confidence to tell a person she barely knows that they're kidding themselves.
Also, Will's personality seems to change very quickly towards the end of the chapter. One minute he appears to be stressed, is tripping over his words, and comes across - to me - like he's a little awkward, but the next minute he's smirking and waggling eyebrows and generally acting like one of these super-confident cocky guys that irritate people for a bit of fun, a complete polar personality to his first impression. Try to have one or the other; it feels incongruous.
Anyway, moving on, my other issue was with the air surrounding the chapter. I think you need to introduce some form of hook to the story, because right now I feel as though I've wound up in the middle of the third chapter, at the point of the novel at which the character is explaining what their daily life entails. I think Kate needs a bit more mystery to her - by the third paragraph you've already got her explaining her status at school. Personally, I think that belongs later in the story.
This opening sentence held a lot of promise for me, like it was setting it up for a big, chaotic party event, but the rest of the chapter seems detached from it. You mention it about once and then it seems to be forgotten, replaced with talk of seating arrangements and unnecessary info. At present, it doesn't really compel me to read on. I don't really get where the story's going - all I can guess is that some kind of friendship is going to develop between Will and Kate in their partnered week.
So, there are my main points - work on the dialogue, and try to add a bit more interest to the chapter - throw in a hook that keeps us reading. But I have to say that your grammar and punctuation is generally great, and I think you've got some excellent potential as a writer. Just add a bit more pizzazz to the plot. ;D
The dialogue between characters seems... disconnected. I'd say unrealistic in a way. I've never met nor heard of a person who (after a few months of school) asked the person in the seat next to them who they were when it's immediately followed by a confession of already knowing. Most people would say "You're (name), right?" or something as such if they couldn't remember the person's name but had a strong suspicion or were just a bit unsure.
Also, grimacing and looking down doesn't signal (at least to me, but what do I know?) that someone's upset.
These are all minor issues, but when put together, it makes the dialogue seem stiff and robotic in a way. Other than that, it's a good start, can't wait for a sequel.