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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Amen!!
Hi Preacher!
Cole dealt with all the things I would have dealt with, so just pretend that I am repeating Cole. He's right! This is as bare bones as it gets! Even the Gospels (which are admittedly short) are more comprehensive than this, which is a shame because you can (and should!) definitely do more with this.
Now, I was also wondering about who the narrator was. I mean. Presumably, a lot of people came to Calvary to watch the executions, so the narrator, if this is historical fiction, could be anyone in the very diverse group of people there were in Jerusalem at the time. With this said, there is also a chance that this might be a modern-day reimagining of being there at Calvary and watching Jesus Christ die. This is also perfectly legit. But, I think that you can emphasize (I am assuming you are Christian?) the whole personal relationship that we have with Jesus. So, we, as readers, want to know who this person is and how this person is a sinner (besides calling for the bloodshed) so we know who exactly Jesus reaches out to people.
Hope that helps!
Just some nitpicks, first:
"Calvary" should be capitalized.
Rephrase; the wording is a little awkward.
Ending Thoughts:
I love Christian literature. Don't get me wrong. But, this account isn't as powerful as it could be.
Give me imagery, description. Describe the the blood slipping down His arms, the cry of crows in the distance, the shouts of the Romans, the weeping of Mary Magdalene upon the hill, the trembling of the earth as Christ took His last breath.
I want to see the fear, the pain, the suffering, the passion. You're describing the death of God! I need to be weeping by the end of this. I'm not totally impacted by this story, it doesn't change me in the way I think you want it to. This needs to be compelling, thought-provoking. I want this account to rip my heart to shreds.
On another note, I like how you're describing it as if you're actually standing there watching it, being changed by what you're seeing. It's an angle of the crucifixion that isn't seen very often.
You can do it--you have a great base here, a great start. I want to see what you can do. There aren't a lot of Christian authors on here, so I'm excited of what you can accomplish.
Let me know if you have any questions. I'd love to help you out.
God bless and keep writing (I hope I wasn't being too hard on you!)
-H.
Thanks for the feedback I will try to fix it.