Out in the night,
Came many bright lights.
They were as pretty as stars,
Although they were far.
It pulses in the sky,
Although it seems to lie.
As they traveled as fast as a blink,
They seemed to float in the sky, then sink.
Another came,
They were all the same.
It sounded like a pop that was very high
And also seems to plop and sigh
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi! Sarah here to review.
I like this rhyme, and I agree, it can be expanded into a full length poem. Your last two lines kind of break the flow, But I like what you are trying to say with it. I just think they could be worded better. To add some diversity to your writing, try to add some other poetic devices. Also, I would describe the shooting stars from all the senses, not just sight. Describe what they sound like. That way you could also work in onomatopoeia as you describe it.
Keep writing!
Hello and welcome to YWS! Sorry if my review sounds a little weird, it's just I'm new here.
I think that if you did come up with this on your own then you are very skilled at rhyme.
You should try using this style in a more expressive poem as I am sure it would sound nice and smooth. Also another thing that may not matter but each line starts with a capital letter and I think that it would be better if the lines of the same sentence were continuous although this may be your own personal preference.
Thanks for writing and I hope to hear more soon!
Welcome to YWS!!!! And thank-you for the comment.
BOOM *appears in a dramatic cascade of smoke*
Hi there! Welcome to YWS. I hope you like it, I know I do! So I like this little rhyme. It's very cute and could easily be expanded upon into a full-length poem, if you want. It seems like you could make it a lot more abstract and use some more symbolism and imagery in it, you know? I like how toward the end you started to take a little more of a negative view, which hints that maybe this could go somewhere. My only nitpick is that the last two lines seemed a bit... I dunno, out-of-place? Maybe it was just me. Anyway, good job, definitely a good start! If you end up taking this anywhere, feel free to PM me and I'll give that a review too.
... Woop, almost forgot my favorite bit: 'As always, keep writing!'
-ladcat13
Thanks! i will definitely think about that.