Hi thepages,
Mailice here with a short review!
My first impression of your chapter is very positive. I like how it evolves from a certain uniqueness to a more open with history and background filled story. It´s good to start with a short presentation of the character Lucas and then go on to the past, which will probably be important for the coming chapter and the continuation of a plot.
Until now I enjoyed reading it, because it has an interesting style of telling that I like. The narrator isn´t neutral in the story but more of a sidekick in my opinion as one can see at the beginning with his description, which I find quite amusing and also neat.
I don´t know where the story will go from now on, but I find for the first chapter of a longer novel you create quite a lot of background and questions for the reader to stay with the story. As we haven´t seen much of Lucas yet, how his character is, and what his thoughts are, one can assume, that this will be written in more detail in the coming chapters or when there are more scenes like here in the final part of the chapter.
One thing I noticed while reading were some mistakes with the capitalisation of the words during dialogues. I would reread it after finishing a chapter and eliminate these mistakes since they are easy to find. With this on your mind, I would also recommend changing the train of thoughts of Lucas, so that they don´t look like dialogues, but putting them in for example italic, to give the reader the sign, that they aren´t spoken words. Since it´s revealed after reading the thought, one has to reread it, to understand, that he hasn´t said it.
Nonetheless, I like the story so far. It has a certain thrilling part and I extremely enjoyed reading through the history section for it, because I like the world-building of stories. This shows the eagerness of the writer but can also be a teaser for later chapters. Other points I saw while reading:
Your first paragraph is really great. I like how it seems like an introduction to a novel with a narrator and how it gives a little presentation of the future. I also like how you describe Lucas in the next paragraph in this cart and how he has to act calm, so the driver won´t notice him. There is also again this narrator voice, that gives the story its uniqueness, as it seems like an overseer in this part.
"around twenty minutes to go!" he thought as he twisted a ladle he had picked at the sides of the cart to scoop out a measure of ale.
Here I would change the quotation marks and mark the text as italic to show the reader that this is a thought. With the information from before, the reader could think that it´s a contradiction between that he can´t get caught in the cart and Lucas now speaking.
I like how you describe the things in the scene when he jumped off the cart and enters the city. It really give the reader the feeling to be there with him.
as only son to one of the four war Lords
I would capitalize "war", too since it´s a noun in connection with "Lords".
I like how during the end one can get to meet the other characters a bit more and see what they are thinking, which I believe, is a great beginning for the coming chapter.
Overall it was a solid story with a bit of some mistake, but right now with the plot, it evolves into an interesting novel. What I also like is the title of the story, as it gives a bit of vibes of being a song title. I also assumed that this would be why you have formatted the story like this, so it looked like lyrics.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
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Reviews: 1232
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