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Fateful, are the times; The journey of Lucas Manroe pt1

by thepages


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Fateful, are the times; The journey of Lucas Manroe

There comes a point in time when man must thrust away that which he holds closest to heart for the best of him and the possible good of those that surround him! Obviously no good to those he turns his back, the hatred and pitiful memories of the heart breaking moments, the later obviously obvious.

Lucas, a young man scaling the age of sixteen years woke up to the uncomfortable shaking of his transport means. A horse-fueled cart lodging barrels of ale had acted his home for the night, a rather bumpy one that is! He stood up, swiftly not to make notice of his presence to the driver as he peered through the shabby mackintosh that provided roofing to the cart and its contents. Here, he managed to catch glimpse of some kind of civilization, dim lights shimmering at a far, apparently the only ones he had seen in two days. “around twenty minutes to go!” he thought as he twisted a ladle he had picked at the sides of the cart to scoop out a measure of ale. He gulped in the lot, allowing its sweetness tickle his sensations.

Lucas later jumped off the carriage just meters to the civilization he had noticed earlier, a city high above the tallest of trees. He stepped in the brightening sun to expose his scruffy red hair. He was a fellow of well-build, visibly masculine, scaly chocolate brown skin, deep blue eyes and around eight heads tall. Taking his first step into the city, he inhaled a gulp of air, filled with that stinging stench of some dump morning local market place. A chilly breeze blew his deplorable attire, a rather bedraggled red cloak over laying his similarly out of place greyish trousers tucked in by a red straw shirt, probably weighing his chance of doing whatever he had to do having arrived in this, the city of Anker.

Law class as he appeared, Lucas happened to be a rather important person back in his state of residence, Kampel, as only son to one of the four war Lords that ruled the land Manoalides, a once magical, but parlous land. His father was the strongest of all the lords. Back in the days, when dragons hadn’t yet fled the land of Manoalides his father Gonzillus GaroeI a young king by then, had successfully slayed one of them, fed on its heart intern achieving longevity and immense strength. That was a hundred years ago, before Lucas’ birth. Since then the dragons that once soared the skies of manoalides fled the reign of Gonzillus to a land unknown. However, rumor had gone by that the divine beasts devised a way of concealing their power to themselves in that feeding on the heart alone wouldn’t give away the privilege of being such a fine beast. It was also prophesized, by the dragon Gonzillus slayed, that in a hundred, a thousand years or so, the beasts would choose a human to represent the entire human civilization and bless him with immense power. That person would be the one to unite the humans and the beasts once more.

Back at home, Gonzillus had dreamed of a destruction of the Manoalides. A hundred years had passed since his siege of power and this was the first time he found himself paranoid. “the time has come; I feel it” his paranoia kicked in as he hurriedly moved into the council room where the other lords waited.

“greetings fellow lords, today I’ve called this meeting and I am glad you turned up at such short notice. Three nights ago I dreamed the destruction of our land, and I am afraid I might not make it to the battle field. …”

“and why would you miss the battle” a slim fellow, chocolate brown skinned decorated by a scar across his face interrupted.

Gonzillus chuckled “dear Caragus, I attained longevity, not immortality. My long years are catching up with me, my longevity fading and health plummeting. Am afraid our enemies have learned of the situation and are acting up. We must devise means of saving our lands.”

“Lord!” Fergusus, the youngest of the lords called out. “our enemies stood down at your command a hundred years ago, who are these new enemies you talk of?”

“an old one, Cragean the vicious.” He said with a solemn sigh. The other lords grew restless. Each looking at the other scarily

Barnabus, who had proved reticent stood up to combat the matter “Cragean is dead, we were there when Mogarease made sure of it!!!”

“am afraid not!” Gonzillus jumped in, “his body died, but the spirit and consciousness loom the land.” he continued as the others looked on consideringly.

“so what are we to do with the matter?” Fergusus surfaced the question on every one’s mind.

“that’s the reason for this meeting,” he answered, “but at the apparent, my son, Lucas claims to have a connection with the dragons…”

“How’s that so?” Caragus interrupted

“I don’t know; he keeps on having visions of glimpses of the sacred land dragons fled to. And, he has envisioned Mogarease the conqueror!” yet again the members looked at each other questioningly.

Mogarease was the first war lord of the Manoalides. He was the last man to attain trophobiosis with the dragons and it is believed he attained immortality when he slayed Cragean, that devil prince. He exiled himself soon after his victory, leaving the saved lands of Manoalides in the hands of the strongest warriors that had survived the tragic battled, the four war lords. No one had set sight on him from that day


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550 Reviews


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Fri Jul 02, 2021 5:05 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi thepages,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

My first impression of your chapter is very positive. I like how it evolves from a certain uniqueness to a more open with history and background filled story. It´s good to start with a short presentation of the character Lucas and then go on to the past, which will probably be important for the coming chapter and the continuation of a plot.

Until now I enjoyed reading it, because it has an interesting style of telling that I like. The narrator isn´t neutral in the story but more of a sidekick in my opinion as one can see at the beginning with his description, which I find quite amusing and also neat.
I don´t know where the story will go from now on, but I find for the first chapter of a longer novel you create quite a lot of background and questions for the reader to stay with the story. As we haven´t seen much of Lucas yet, how his character is, and what his thoughts are, one can assume, that this will be written in more detail in the coming chapters or when there are more scenes like here in the final part of the chapter.

One thing I noticed while reading were some mistakes with the capitalisation of the words during dialogues. I would reread it after finishing a chapter and eliminate these mistakes since they are easy to find. With this on your mind, I would also recommend changing the train of thoughts of Lucas, so that they don´t look like dialogues, but putting them in for example italic, to give the reader the sign, that they aren´t spoken words. Since it´s revealed after reading the thought, one has to reread it, to understand, that he hasn´t said it.

Nonetheless, I like the story so far. It has a certain thrilling part and I extremely enjoyed reading through the history section for it, because I like the world-building of stories. This shows the eagerness of the writer but can also be a teaser for later chapters. Other points I saw while reading:

Your first paragraph is really great. I like how it seems like an introduction to a novel with a narrator and how it gives a little presentation of the future. I also like how you describe Lucas in the next paragraph in this cart and how he has to act calm, so the driver won´t notice him. There is also again this narrator voice, that gives the story its uniqueness, as it seems like an overseer in this part.

"around twenty minutes to go!" he thought as he twisted a ladle he had picked at the sides of the cart to scoop out a measure of ale.

Here I would change the quotation marks and mark the text as italic to show the reader that this is a thought. With the information from before, the reader could think that it´s a contradiction between that he can´t get caught in the cart and Lucas now speaking.
I like how you describe the things in the scene when he jumped off the cart and enters the city. It really give the reader the feeling to be there with him.

as only son to one of the four war Lords

I would capitalize "war", too since it´s a noun in connection with "Lords".
I like how during the end one can get to meet the other characters a bit more and see what they are thinking, which I believe, is a great beginning for the coming chapter.

Overall it was a solid story with a bit of some mistake, but right now with the plot, it evolves into an interesting novel. What I also like is the title of the story, as it gives a bit of vibes of being a song title. I also assumed that this would be why you have formatted the story like this, so it looked like lyrics. :D

Have fun writing!
Mailice




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Thu Jul 01, 2021 9:12 am
ImaginativeAlice wrote a review...



Hey, Alice is here to give a review!!!!!!!

MY THOUGHTS

The way you made all your text to the right side was kind of unique, I have never seen anyone do that. The story is interesting and I would like to see more of it. And your descriptions are amazing and you have lot of potential.


TINY-MINY NITPICKS


“and why would you miss the battle” a slim fellow, chocolate brown


“so what are we to do with the matter?” Fergusus surfaced the question


You must capitalize the first letters.

Gonzillus chuckled “dear Caragus, I attained longevity, not immortality. My
long years are catching up with me, my longevity fading and health
plummeting.


Even if the diologue is in the middle of a sentence, it still starts with a capital letter.
Just trying editing these and then everything will be fine.


Tip: I see there are lot's of grammatical errors, try going through your chapter one or two times. Or here is a tip that I use cause I too make a lot of spelling errors, you are not the only one making spelling mistakes in excitement to write fast and publish it XD.
When you have finished writing the chapter leave it for a while(maybe one or two hours) and than come back and try to to read the chapter and then you will notice the spelling mistakes or any other errors that you haven't noticed before.


I know seeing us making out your grammar mistakes, will seem a bit irritating but your story is really nice and interesting from the first chapter only. Grammar mistakes are common, we all make it. So don't give up! Keep writing!

Bye!




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Sun Jun 20, 2021 12:23 am
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ArctiWolf wrote a review...



ArctiWolf here for a review! I really enjoyed your story, I was pleasantly surprised to find it was fantasy. Your concepts are amazing. They are, unfortunately, hidden behind some bad grammar.

He stepped in the brightening sun to expose his scruffy red hair. He was a
fellow of well-build, visibly masculine, scaly chocolate brown skin,
deep blue eyes and around eight heads tall. Taking his first step
into the city, he inhaled a gulp of air, filled with that stinging
stench of some dump morning local market place.

There are several mistakes in this paragraph. First of all, in the first sentence, I would use 'into' instead of 'in'. The next sentence is a run-on and should be split into multiple sentences. For example:
He was a well-built fellow and visibly masculine. He also had scaly chocolate brown skin, deep blue eyes and stood around eight heads tall.


Am afraid our enemies have learned of the situation and
are acting up.

This sentence is incomplete because it lacks a subject simply add the word 'I' before 'Am' and the problem will be solved. This simple mistake can be found in many places.

“I don’t know; he keeps on having visions of glimpses of the sacred
land dragons fled to.

This sentence also has a simple solution, it is only missing the article 'the' before 'dragons'

All in all some great writing. I understood the point you were trying to get across. However, for other readers, you may want to try and improve your grammar. These were just some tips for you.

The only way to get better at something is to do it more. The more mistakes you make, the more you learn. I look forward to seeing more from you. Until then, happy writing!





"If fortis was here, we could have a teal party"
— Pompadour