I told you i wanted to be free, to sore high,
Now that i got it, now that my wings are the fastest,
Now that i am the highest, the greatest,
Im ashamed, of my wings,
I might cut them off,
I might cruise through the death traps.
Suddenly every moment with you,
That i destroyed, ruined,
Set fire on,
Your love that i had once crushed ‘neath my feet
Is all i look back to,
Free of the shackles,
I crave to be bound.
Oh, where is my edward rochester,
With his head down my doorstep,
His shelf life,
Where is his desperation,
His painstaking devotion
The once i plunged
Condemning to a horrendous death!
They’ll hoist the charts and chants,
This woman now a tale of infamy,
Not a poet, not a debutante,
Or a even a woman,
A defilement for eloquence.
And the lover,
The once most charming lover,
The once most desperate of lovers!
Slain for this woman,
Where does he end,
But as a comma, a punctuation
To a love poem?
‘We must never take love to be beautiful as ever,
Remember the greatest of love reduces to wrath,
The supreme of wrath to be the deepest of devotion,
The love that conquers world,
Is always unrelenting,
Despite the cruelest of daggers,
It lives on,
To the point that god himself,
Calls upon him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello theotherwoman! I'm syz and I'll be reviewing this piece here using the Review Monster! created by the lovely @/Avian! :)
The Glowing Eyes: First Impressions!
The first thing anyone sees of our silly little Review Monster is the glowing eyes, so let’s dive into my first impressions! Reading through the poem the first time, it felt a lot like longing and melancholy for a relationship/love gone bad. There is this sense of, hm, how do I explain it, like poisoned desperation through the whole poem. You’re loving someone and you’re loving them despite the fact they’re bad for you. I love it!
The Fluffy Fur: Things I Loved!
Everybody’s favorite part of any kind of furry creature, the super-super soft, fluffy fur! I loved this poem a lot. The extended metaphors I felt were really well executed, the imagery was solid, and the message is the kind that can be interpreted differently by everyone, which in my opinion, are some of the best kinds of poems. Also, I love a good brooding, mysterious character and I think you do a good job of hitting the darker aspects of romance that I feel like a lot of these types of stories don’t.
The Roar: Favorite Lines!
Ah, the roar. My personal favorites and one of my favorite sections to write about. So let’s shout about all the lovely lines this poem has to offer, shall we?
First one first, I was particular fond of
I really like this line. It does a good job of showcasing the nittigrittiness of being ashamed of yourself and just…wanting that piece of yourself gone. It’s not healthy, but neither is the love in this poem. It’s all-consuming, dark, and I think this line just adds to that overall feeling.
Oh, woe is me. The beauty in this, the way of just simplifying this all-consuming love by comparing it to punctuation is just *chef’s kiss* beautiful. I feel like, as the other reviewer said, it feels as if you are reducing the lover to something less insignificant. Unlike them though, I personally like the vagueness of the statement. It’s a very nice line. :3
The Sharp, Yellow Teeth: A Bit of Advice!
The scariest part has arrived, but fear not, he’s a vegetarian! These sharp teeth may be intimidating, but just remember that these are only opinions and obviously you as the author don’t have to take anything written here to heart. Let’s begin!
I think there’s a mild issue with the consistency. Your capitalization, spelling, and punctuation are sort of all over the place in multiple parts. I would just make sure that when you’re capitalizing words, make sure to remain consistent throughout the entire poem UNLESS It’s a stylistic choice. For example, you tend to have a lot of uncapitalized i’s in the poem, but a lot of capitalized ones too. I would recommend just sticking to one or the other so it looks more visually appealing. As for the spelling, there’s a few words here and there that are spelled wrong, like “sore” in the very first line which in this context, should most likely be ”soar”. And in the case of the punctuation, it feels very choppy in some places with the unnecessary commas and periods. Some of your lines have three or four commas when one would suffice and it just makes the poem feel almost cluttered and cramped.
Stomping Away: Closing Thoughts!
Overall this was a very lovely poem that I quite enjoyed reading! It had good imagery and other than the things I went over in the advice part, it was a pretty well thought out piece. Hope to see more from you in the future!
Have a happy review day/night!! Syz signing off with a yeehaw!!
Inconsistent Flow and Structure
While the poem contains powerful individual lines, the structure is somewhat uneven. Some phrases feel abrupt, while others are overly drawn out, making the pacing irregular. For example:
"They’ll hoist the charts and chants, This woman now a tale of infamy, Not a poet, not a debutante, Or even a woman, A defilement for eloquence."
This section introduces intriguing imagery but feels a little disconnected from the preceding thoughts. How does the speaker's downfall translate into becoming a "defilement for eloquence"? The connection could be clearer.
Clarity in Imagery and Metaphor
Some metaphors are beautifully crafted, while others feel somewhat abstract or vague. For instance:
"Where does he end, But as a comma, a punctuation To a love poem?"
The idea of a lover being reduced to a mere punctuation mark in a love poem is intriguing, but its meaning could be clearer. Is the speaker suggesting that their lover has become insignificant in their story? That he is merely a pause rather than an ending? A bit more precision here could enhance the effect.
I really loved this poem! You added in so much emotion into each line and reading line after line made the hairs of my neck stand. The first part sort of reminded me of the story of Icarus, which I absolutely love. I enjoyed reading this poem a lot!
thankyou so much!im super glad of it!