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E - Everyone

nowhere together, pt. 1

by theosnowing


Preface~

The Enlightenment began six months, twenty-four days ago. And since then, nothing has been the same. It brought a system. A system of 11 numbers, from 10 to 0, measuring one’s Happiness, and displaying it for the entire world to see. The system was enforced in order to keep out all pain and negativity, because Happiness is mandatory on Earth. And when it began, hundreds of millions of people vanished, just like that. And they were banished to Nowhere, because they were lost and depressed and unable to stay. No one here knows what Nowhere is like, but I would imagine that it’s exactly what it sounds like: nowhere. And Earth, Earth is a paradise. Because everyone who’s left is happy, and free of pain. Right?

~Part 1

you hear a knock on the door. you check your watch and realize that you’re late, and leave your cereal on your desk, take your backpack, and run to the door. when you open it, you’re met with quite a distraught face. “come on Light, it’s time to go.”

Snow says. you glance at the glowing “2” above her head, and then catch yourself. but she notices, and only sighs and takes your hand and drags you along the walk. you tell Snow that you’re worried about her, and that you’re always there if she needs anything. she only says “i’m just a bit tired today, is all.”

but you won’t have this today, because that statement is almost never true and it’s your responsibility to protect her. so you stop walking, and sharply ask her to tell you what’s wrong. “nothing’s wrong, i’m just tired.” she repeats. 

your voice quivers as you ask her to let you help, and you see tears begin to form in her eyes. she looks up at the number above your head, and says through her tears, “please… please don’t worry about me.” you stare deeply into her light blue eyes, and tell her that this isn’t possible.

you hear a child whispering a few steps away. his parents glance at you and Snow, and quickly proceed to cover his eyes. then Snow turns away, and starts walking again, and much faster. you run forward and grab her hand, and she pulls away. “leave me alone”, she cries.

so you stop, and you turn around, and stand there for another minute, even though you’re already late.

when you turn around again, Snow is out of sight, and you start walking to the school.

you arrive at class 15 minutes late and everyone makes sure to keep their heads down as you walk through the door, even mrs. summers. it’s as though you’re invisible. and you don’t want to be invisible; you just want to be understood. but they won’t understand that, so it’s okay. you can tell that this day won’t be difficult from any other, and that’s okay too. because after six months and twenty-four days you get used to it.

after school, you wait for Snow by her locker. number 210. you think that this is an interesting number. it’s strange how the world works.

it takes 10 minutes after class before you begin to worry.

you reach for your pocket before you realize that you left it at home in a rush. so you decide to go to her last period class, geometry. you ask mr. anderson when he last saw Snow. “she didn’t show up to class today.” he mumbles, not looking up from his desk. you begin to hear your heartbeat ringing in your ears. you run to her 8th period class, history. “she wasn’t at class today”, she says. biology. “i don’t think i saw Snow”. english. “i haven’t seen her today.”

your eyes start to swell, your mind consumed with the thought that something has happened, and it’s all your fault. you run, faster than you ever have, your sore legs throbbing under the weight of your backpack. you know you should take it off, but everything's so blurry and all you can think about is Snow.

you reach her house 10 minutes later, and start pounding on the white door. you shout for her, and receive no response. you try to open the door yourself, and, surprisingly, it swings open. the house was empty. you look down at the floor, and see her school books scattered across it.

you collapse on the cold floor, uncontrollably sobbing. you continue calling her name, though deep down, you know that there’s no point.

you hate it here. because they’re afraid of you, and they pretend not to notice. they pretend not to notice the glowing “1” above your head. they pretend not to notice that you’re hanging off the edge of a cliff, your hand wrapped around a thinning branch. and the only person who didn’t was the person you were trying to save.

you realize that hiding it all was so much easier, no matter how painful it was. because you could pretend to be strong. you could pretend to be happy. you could pretend to be yourself, whoever that is.

you pretend to be strong anymore, and you have no reason to without Snow.

you decide that you’ll give up. and you close your eyes, because giving up is the last step to letting go.

you open your eyes, and see an empty white space, and Snow standing right there beside you. 

to be continued...


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16 Reviews


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Wed Nov 04, 2020 4:14 am
RavenWillow wrote a review...



Hi! It's RavenWillow here for a review...
First of all welcome to YWS! I hope we get to know each other better. At first things might seem difficult but it's great here. All you have to do is publish and review and get to know others better. Go on and live your life at YWS. Again you'll love it here. Oh and feel free to PM me if you have any questions or anything.
Anyways nice work! The Article was amazing. However there are a few things you should work on and I'll point them out if you don't mind.
1.First of all I think you should use capital letters. All the while I noticed that because there were no capital letters my concentration from the story started to slip. You should add capital letters.
2. Then I would suggest that you should keep the tension high and make a few things clear. What did those numbers mean? Who is Snow exactly? Though the story was interesting I found the lack of emotion and tension in it. Everything was too smooth. I know the protagonist lost Snow but without the necessary information I find it hard to feel. But you could come back here later on and work on that which would be great.
Other than that I thought it was great! I especially liked the second person POV very much. It added an adventuristic effect which you could develop farther on in the future. Good luck and keep it up. I'd love to read more works by you.
Again, welcome to YWS. You'll love it here.
Without wax,
RavenWillow




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Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:15 pm
omer wrote a review...



Hey theosnowing!
That's a great story. I love the choice of using second person - I have always wanted to write like that! The plot is very intriguing and you present your universe fantastically. You've got a great skill as a suspense writer.
There are a few things I'd like to point out:

First, Capital Letters at the start of each sentence!!! :D
I corrected the grammar and punctuation mistakes I found, you can check it out here:
https://omer.writerfeedpad.com/2
The green text is what I thought would be better to change.

you reach for your pocket before you realize that you left it at home in a rush.

Did you mean to refer to the reader's cell phone? The object s/he's looking for isn't mentioned.

you reach for your pocket before you realize that you left it at home in a rush. so you decide to go to her last period class, geometry. you ask mr. anderson when he last saw Snow. “she didn’t show up to class today.” he mumbles, not looking up from his desk. you begin to hear your heartbeat ringing in your ears. you run to her 8th period class, history. “she wasn’t at class today”, shethe teacher says. biology. “i don’t think i saw Snow”. english. “i haven’t seen her today.”

I love that paragraph. Only one note - add "the teacher" after the history teacher's answers. I really like how this scene moves quickly, from room to room, from a person to another, from here to there, but I still think it would be better that way - it just makes it a bit more clear, in my opinion.

you realize that hiding it all was so much easier, no matter how painful it was. because you could pretend to be strong. you could pretend to be happy. you could pretend to be yourself, whoever that is.

I had a hard time understanding the meaning of this paragraph. According to what the character says, is it good or bad to pretend to be happy? The last sentence confused me a bit.

you don't pretend to be strong anymore, and you have no reason to without Snow.

I think you dropped a "don't" there, because the "anymore" seemed out of context. Correct me if I'm wrong!

they pretend not to notice the glowing “1” above your head. they pretend not to notice that you’re hanging off the edge of a cliff, your hand wrapped around a thinning branch.

Amazing and powerful.

That's it! I hope some of this helps.
I usually get bored reading fantasy-sceince-fiction (not sure about the defenition) storys, but this one really grabbed my attention. Looking forward part two, keep up the good work!
Omer.




theosnowing says...


thanks so much! I'll be sure to keep in mind those types of errors next time.



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Tue Nov 03, 2020 4:20 pm
theosnowing says...







We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway