Hey theosnowing!
That's a great story. I love the choice of using second person - I have always wanted to write like that! The plot is very intriguing and you present your universe fantastically. You've got a great skill as a suspense writer.
There are a few things I'd like to point out:
First, Capital Letters at the start of each sentence!!!
I corrected the grammar and punctuation mistakes I found, you can check it out here:
https://omer.writerfeedpad.com/2
The green text is what I thought would be better to change.
you reach for your pocket before you realize that you left it at home in a rush.
Did you mean to refer to the reader's cell phone? The object s/he's looking for isn't mentioned.
you reach for your pocket before you realize that you left it at home in a rush. so you decide to go to her last period class, geometry. you ask mr. anderson when he last saw Snow. “she didn’t show up to class today.” he mumbles, not looking up from his desk. you begin to hear your heartbeat ringing in your ears. you run to her 8th period class, history. “she wasn’t at class today”,shethe teacher says. biology. “i don’t think i saw Snow”. english. “i haven’t seen her today.”
I love that paragraph. Only one note - add "the teacher" after the history teacher's answers. I really like how this scene moves quickly, from room to room, from a person to another, from here to there, but I still think it would be better that way - it just makes it a bit more clear, in my opinion.
you realize that hiding it all was so much easier, no matter how painful it was. because you could pretend to be strong. you could pretend to be happy. you could pretend to be yourself, whoever that is.
I had a hard time understanding the meaning of this paragraph. According to what the character says, is it good or bad to pretend to be happy? The last sentence confused me a bit.
you don't pretend to be strong anymore, and you have no reason to without Snow.
I think you dropped a "don't" there, because the "anymore" seemed out of context. Correct me if I'm wrong!
they pretend not to notice the glowing “1” above your head. they pretend not to notice that you’re hanging off the edge of a cliff, your hand wrapped around a thinning branch.
Amazing and powerful.
That's it! I hope some of this helps.
I usually get bored reading fantasy-sceince-fiction (not sure about the defenition) storys, but this one really grabbed my attention. Looking forward part two, keep up the good work!
Omer.
Points: 1612
Reviews: 31
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