Published September 11, 2016
Everything hurts
even my very existence
burns
in the flames of fear
death
pain
passion
loss
love.
Why do I even
want to keep puttering
on
in the pain of this thing
we choose
to call
life?
It hurts so badly
why am I not strong
enough
to end it?
Why am I not
enough
to keep going?
I hurt
others
I am a creator
a distributer of the pain
that life produces.
I hurt
as others do the same.
It hurts
and I just want an end to this pain
to death and life and all of it.
But I am not
brave
enough.
If that is what you would call bravery.
I need someone else to end it before
it all falls apart
and I am nothing more than
my pain.
The day it overtakes me
drags me out to sea with its
pounding waves
and
unstoppable current
I will cease to exist with fear
death
passion
loss
love.
I will be debris,
carrying others away
destruction in my wake.
I will be gone.
Still there,
but my belief of
not-enoughness will
become truth.
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137,978 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello! Ripple here. Hopefully you're having a fantastic RevMo.
I really relate to the overall emotion of this poem. I've definitely been there, in that state of mind, and I think that you realistically captured the feeling of wanting to scream out to the world about all of the pain. It is quite blunt, but that excellently plays into the central message.
I do have a few minor critiques, however. The first is your use of punctuation. While you do not by any means have to follow regular punctuation rules, (in fact, this poem is made better by breaking them), line breaks do not denote pauses when read aloud. The shorter lines work wonderfully as text, but it is very confusing for someone trying to read it out loud. Dashes or commas between some of the lines might help make it less confusing.
Secondly, I love the debris metaphor, but I kinda wish that you incorporated it into the rest of the poem instead of introducing it at the end. This really is just a matter of personal taste, so if you think that it's important to have it only at the end, keep it like it is.
There are also some instances where you break grammatical regulations, but like punctuation, those are fairly lax where poetry is concerned.
It is on the whole a really impactful poem filled to the brim with emotion. The jolting flow of it matches the message well. Keep writing!
Hey there, themightierpen. I love your username!
This was an extremely emotional poem. I was able to relate to it, having felt some of those things, but I also think others (without similar experiences) would also be deeply touched by this piece. Your words are blunt and say it as it is, but you've also mixed in beautiful metaphors and descriptions which work together really well.
I'm not crazy about the way you've formatted this; I think the lines could definitely be longer. That said, at the length you currently have them, the poem was fast-paced and skipped between scenes like a camera constantly flashing. That's the effect you want, I think. It's just that in places, the sentences seemed disconnected and the poem didn't flow as well as it could. That's just something to experiment with.
I like your use of repetition with these words: fear, death, pain, passion, loss and love. It makes the feelings clear. Not that it's a problem, but did you intentionally leave out 'pain' the second time?
Overall, this was a very emotional, well-written piece. I'd just work on the way it's displayed.